How do I cope with my difficult child's Personal attacks

[natalieoh]

Hi ladies, well my difficult child who dropped out of high school this year, his senior year decided in March he could not take living with us anymore. He had been so belligerent, defiant of all rules and was back to taking drugs. He had been in 3 month facilities for this twice and years of therapy and medications. To make a long story short, we funded his going into an apartment for six months and got him a car with money his grandmother willed to him for his future. He sold the car after wrecking it and is living off the money from that. He has no job and was living with a guy and my son's girlfriend.

He almost got evicted a month ago for the smell of pot from his apartment, being mean to the neighbors and not paying his utilities. Wednesday his roommate ticked off someone and they broke all the windows in the apartment in retaliation. His landlord called us to tell us he would be evicting our son this week. He had not paid his utilities and has continued to bring unsavory people to his place.

My husband and I decided not to warn our son since this is his issue. He turns 19 in a month and he does not want our involvement. Well after getting the notice from his landlord he is being evicted and that we knew of this and didn't tell him, he went off on me in the ugliest text I have ever gotten from him. Called me names that rhyme with punt, said I was dead to him forever and on and on.

Ladies I honestly cannot take his meanness and inappropriate rageful reactions when he doesn't get his way. How the &*^% do I live with this? I mean emotionally, how do I get passed the hurt and trauma I have endured with him. I do not plan to contact him until he ever decides to grow up and take charge of his life. I am so traumatized by the countless time he went off on bankers, doctors, school personnel and on and on that I cannot ever be with him in public again.

So I am staying far away and not engaging. No he hasn't contacted me nor will I hear from him unless he gets desperate. My plan is to not respond to him, but how does my heart ever heal from this? Do your hearts heal? What do you do with the ache inside?

Thank you so much

Natalie

 

[keista]

(((((HUGS))))) This is not my realm, but wanted to offer some virtual hugs until those with experience come along to offer advice and support. (Weekends can be slow on this forum)

Stick around. You've found a great place for support, guidance and insights.

 

[Star*]

Dear Natalie,

Welcome to the board, and welcome to your first ticket and boarding pass out of he//.

You know the times I've joked here about "If I wrote a book" are now "As I write a book about my life - I shall have to list it under Science Fiction" Gene Roddenberry couldn't write this junk and have anyone literally read it and think it was realistic. No one hears about our lives -the lives of a CD board parent and thinks to themselves WOW I want to be HER when I grow up. NOBODY. I got all my moxie from having to deal with the uneducated outside world whom my son went to bat at. Leaving me to pick up the pieces all on my onesies. Short version - He came, he saw, he destroyed...I picked up, I apologiesed, I was a wreck, I went to 15 years of therapy, I had a stroke, and then I threw him out . -----I'm much better now. But....in all honesty; so is he.

You want to know how you deal with them? You don't. And that's the big FAT hairy secret. You do NOT deal with them at all. You detach. They call? You get caller ID - and say "OH look jackass is phoning home again for a favor. I will not answer it. They text? You see the text and block it and/or change your number and don't give it to them. Nope not kidding at all. If you can move? Move. Belive me they'll find you. Okay maybe that's extreme, and should only be used for psycho ex husbands, but it's a back burner thought if ever.

If you want to know how you deal with the pain? You go to therapy. You talk out the hurt, and the betrayal, the pain, the grief, the loss, and the anger with a trained person who can rationalize things with you that a husband, a sister, a Mother, a bestie - CAN NOT and SHOULD NOT. Why? Because they (at this point) are Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo sick of hearing about Jr. that they probably are detaching from YOU! Yup - missing a few of YOUR calls are they? Notice that they havent' been as attentive to your requests to go to lunch or as close as you used to be? Not getting together for BBQ's and Bowling or movies anymore? Talk about your son much to them? No? Well if not then you are a pretty rare bird. Most do, and it costs them all of the above. If you have? And you notice you're starting to loose that loving feeling? Yeah - well that's probably why. And that's why I recommend a therapist - a non-interested Third party that is being PAID to help you - that cares but will give you non-partisan advice PROFESSIONAL advice that will teach you how to deal with all those emotions you can't figure out what to do with. Mostly anger - The death of your dreams? Sometimes worse than the death of an actual child - I know I've had both. The living one? I'm dealing with day to day and the loss suffered with him is in my face. The one that died would have been 21 on Monday. He's gone - it's over, and he's in a better place. The oldest one? He died over ten years ago, and that's all but a memory now. So yeah - the one that's here? Much harder to deal with and the language? OH brother, sister - I've heard words that would peel paint off the wall. BUT does he ever use those words when I need paint peeled off the wall? Nooooooooo he's never around to be handy. ugh.

See mine is 2o and it took throwing him out and him coming back and throwing him out for good - and putting our foot down and nearly duct taping my mouth to not say "Oh you can come home I see it's tough, I hear you are eating out of dumpsters, and lviing in the park...homeless, and I know you are hungry, and dirty." All of it was like a freaking nightmare. After being gone 2 years? We now talk on the phone. He calls just to chat, hasn't asked for anything except some used clothes for interviews. And he's going to do it all on his own. He's starting to see he HAS to do it on his own, and how good it was here - but it took him LITERALLY doing it on his own to find that out. NO HELP FROM US at all - and nearly no conversation - because If I told you the names and things I was called? OH WOW - yeah - it was bad. The whole scene was bad. My neigbors? They still wont come near our place after the last knock down ------no where near.

Hope this helps you a little - others will be along with the detachment 101 rules to help. THey are phenominal.

Hugs & love
Welcome
Star

 

[natalieoh]

Geez, thanks ladies. Some of you may not remember me. I was on this site back in 2001 and stayed on it for years clinging to all the support and hope and direction. It has been a lifeline. I then went off because I was just drained. Star I've been in therapy for many years. I think though I need a female therapist. The one my husband and I go to is wonderful but he doesn't empathize about the Mom stuff. Your words so resonated with me. There is NOTHING more to do. I get that, it's living with it day to day that just plain hurts. Last week would have been his graduation and the weekend before his prom. None of it could he do. Then I run into the PTA moms I used to volunteer with who ask what he is going to do with his life. Ug!

All of you women on this site just bring so much support and wonderful ideas for us all. Even those years when I wasn't on the site, I knew you all were out there and I still held you all in my heart. I know we are linking cyber arms together and I have to say that it is such a comfort. Thanks so much

 

[Hound dog]

Welcome back Natalie

The hurt heals eventually. Detachment helps with that as it limits contact with difficult child, which limits their ability to get in more hurtful words and actions.

Focusing on yourself and the rest of the family also helps, learning to get on with life and let difficult child find his own way.

You've spent years doing all you could to help difficult child, now as an adult, it's up to him to help himself.

((hugs))

 

[HaoZi]

*hugs* Natalie. No advice to give, just sending my support.

 

[Nancy]

Natalie my friend,

Admit that those words hurt. Say it out loud to your husband, to us, to anyone who is supportive. It feels better by admitting it outloud. My difficult child called me the same name, (the one that rhymes with punt), the day we kicked her out of the house. She also texted me one day that she wanted me to jump off the 480 bridge and call her when I did so she could come and watch and laugh. I got pretty hardened that day. I decided then that I wasn't going to let her words hurt me anymore and that she was a really angry, sad, lonely person inside.

You were right to stay out of it and let him handle the eviction. It is not your responsibility to bail him out or run intereference. I would not respond to him at all. If and when you ever hear from him again tell him that his words hurt you very much and you are not going to allow him to abuse you verbally or otherwise any longer and that if he wants to have any relationship with you at all he first needs to apologize and then needs to treat you with respect.

I'm sorry you are hurting.

Nancy

 

[rejectedmom]

Hi Natalie, Yes their word cut your heart. And yes you will heal. I think each of us has our own way of healing but it boils down to finding our joy in other places and truly embracing it. It could be something as small as a bird's song or a pretty sunset or the laughter of a child. Some people find it in volunteer work some find it in creative endeavors. Wherever it springs forth it is important you welcome it and hold it to your heart. For only then can it do its magic healing. So, do not shut down from all joy and activities. Only steel yourself to the venom of your sons anger and rage. Embrace the good things that come your way and your heart will heal in time. -RM

 

[burnt out]

Hi Natalie my son did this only weeks ago all the name calling.... now he needs somewhere to sleep and is sucking up big time, ugh it's horrible. I've been to the stage where I didn't even like my child and the guilt that comes with that. you have done wonderful to not step in. take care.

 

[natalieoh]

Ladies thank you all for the wisdom and support. As always it has been a godsend. Our difficult child tells us through yet another horrific text that he is moving out of state. Honestly, I can only hope.We will cancel his cell, (six months left on the contract) if he does this again. Dear God, these kinds of kids are a sick bunch.

Again, you all are blessings in our lives and I will hold onto your support.
Love,
natalie

 

[rejectedmom]

Natalie, I think you can block texts and calls from indivituals why not try doing this so you are not bothered by his venom anymore. honestly I think I would just cancel the contract on the phone and get whatever is left on it in a refund. Hugs -RM

 

[Star*]

Natalie,

FWIW? If you don't feel like you are getting what you need from your therapist and have been seeing him for a while now? Absolutely find someone you can relate to and whom you feel realates to you. I have switched therapists several times trying to find the right fit and finally in the last seven years found a man that I felt very comfortable talking to. My entire family actually found him very trustworthy, empathetic and someone that while not quite in the trenches - still understood and had our backs with the outside forces when it came to telling them what it was like 'A day in the life with Dude.'

As far as healing and forgetting? Maybe I'm a different kind of person. I don't know that I've healed from anything that Dude said to me. The personal attacks are there still. The scars are really deep. The pain? I can recall it at a moments notice and I don't know that I care to forget it completely because the moment I do? I think I'm doomed to allow myself to be a doormat again. And while I won't throw these things up in his face? I did learn in therapy how to fight fairly, and how to not bring up the past but how to draw boundaries so that when the ugly words, and hateful venom did start? I knew I had the power to do things like hang up the phone, walk away from a conversation, shut the door, ignore the behavior, and remember that the person doing these things HAS a choice. That he CHOSE to be this way with me and ten minutes later was nicey nice with his buddies. Not acceptable. I also learned that his behaviors were not going to RULE my life, my day, my time. HE was the one having a miserable day - not me. Too bad. HE was the one out of control with his emotions and not able to get his proverbial mess together; not me - I feel for you when you get it together? Call me 'click'. HE was the one not able to maintain his composure in a mature and fitting attitude - which we ALL have from time to time - but how you control that anger and being angry is fine - but what you DO with that anger is what it's all about - lashing out at ME? Your problem - not mine. It took me until I was in my 40's to realize and have someone tell me that it was OKAY to be angry. All my life? I was told - Don't get angry. Don't be mad. No one every said "You know what? It's okay to be angry, just make sure your behavior is appropriate - here.....here is what you can do when you are angry. Before I realized I could tell my son the same. I think it was like a lightbulb went off in both our heads at the same time on hearing that. Someone gave us both permission to be mad as H......and then we learned what we could do INSTEAD of names, throwing, yelling, smashing.....acting out. Sometimes I think our sons need to know that. (the earlier the better) but it's like if they don't know that? They resort to the names, and throwing and feel if they don't destroy something or someone? The anger doesn't get out of their system. Still - somedays? It's good to go beat the snot out of a patch of ground with a ball bat - accomplishes nothing - but gets the rage out and it's not directed at Mom. Dude went through anger management and it was one of the best things he ever did....not at that time (OF COURSE he wouldn't listen) but now? He uses those tools to calm himself to a point and avoid getting into more trouble. Not that it's perfect - but it's better. And when we know it's gotten to that level of 'We agree to disagree"? We just say - Okay we'll talk later. and hang up.

As far as the wounds and scars? I'm not wearing them proudly - and I'm sure there is some cliche about time heals all wounds - I think time just warps my brain and makes me forget things and hopefully ----Things progress, and the work we did when he was younger finally kicks in and he grows up a bit, the work sinks in a bit, I grow older a bit (hehe), and in some way - the scars are replaced with laughter as we all age. To forget the bad times completely? No.....Forgive yes.....forget? Never. Replace with better? My new dream.

Hope you get that new therapist you hope for. If you have better feelings about a female - then by all means talk to a woman.

Hugs
Star

 

[natalieoh]

Star you really know how to say it all. I am so done. Thank you for the words of wisdom. I do love my therapist as he has been a wonderful guide in helping my husband and I stay strong. But the emotional support of the loss for me as a Mom just isn't there. I will find someone else. You have been baptized by fire my friend. Your suffering has made you a very strong and determined woman. Thank you for sharing that strength with me. I really needed that today.

 

[Star*]

Natalieoh -

I've never been told I was baptized by fire. THAT would explain SOooooooooooooooooo much. lol. All this time I thought they dribbled water on my forhead.......tch tch tch.