how do I do this?

[New Leaf]

Albie and RE you are so sweet. The truth is, I post to fortify myself too, because this is an ongoing battle to take back my life.
Acacia, I ask myself that question over and again "How do I do this"?
Sometimes I feel strong and resolute, other times I am questioning myself and each step I take. It is an enormous amount of energy focused on living despite what is happening with my two and especially my grandchildren.
They do not deserve to be in this situation, none of us do.
Sometimes the black ominous cloud of it all looms over me and I just have to have a good cry.
That's okay.
Other times I find myself slipping back to old ways of thinking and I have to stop and get a hold of myself.
Many times I get really fed up and just plain angry. Keep waiting for rock bottom, an epiphany, praying for a pivot point.
My two have gone way beyond rock bottom in my book, still the same ole, same ole.
We can't keep putting our own lives on hold, waiting for these adult kids to grow up, to get help, to make better choices.
That is two lives utterly wasted.
I'm 58 years old, looking at the back side of the hill, I have dreams and goals, a bucket list I would like to check off before I meet my maker.
Most of all, I would just like some moments of peace.
Try to have a great weekend sister warriors.
Rise up!
(((Hugs)))
Leafy

 

[Littleboylost]

When I feel myself over thinking, going down the "what if" path, I say a quick prayer.
I know by now that nothing I do or say will bring change.

Leafy you are indeed a treasure. I am fairly new here and I was given a few of your past posts as motivations to stay strong.
Thank you from the bottom of my tired broken but rebuilding heart.

 

[Littleboylost]

Albie and RE you are so sweet. The truth is, I post to fortify myself too, because this is an ongoing battle to take back my life.
Acacia, I ask myself that question over and again "How do I do this"?
Sometimes I feel strong and resolute, other times I am questioning myself and each step I take. It is an enormous amount of energy focused on living despite what is happening with my two and especially my grandchildren.
They do not deserve to be in this situation, none of us do.
Sometimes the black ominous cloud of it all looms over me and I just have to have a good cry.
That's okay.
Other times I find myself slipping back to old ways of thinking and I have to stop and get a hold of myself.
Many times I get really fed up and just plain angry. Keep waiting for rock bottom, an epiphany, praying for a pivot point.
My two have gone way beyond rock bottom in my book, still the same ole, same ole.
We can't keep putting our own lives on hold, waiting for these adult kids to grow up, to get help, to make better choices.
That is two lives utterly wasted.
I'm 58 years old, looking at the back side of the hill, I have dreams and goals, a bucket list I would like to check off before I meet my maker.
Most of all, I would just like some moments of peace.
Try to have a great weekend sister warriors.
Rise up!
(((Hugs)))
Leafy

ometimes I feel strong and resolute, other times I am questioning myself and each step I take. It is an enormous amount of energy focused on living despite what is happening with my two and especially my grandchildren.

it is good to know others feel this way. It makes it easier to manage.

 

[Littleboylost]

My two have gone way beyond rock bottom in my book, still the same ole, same ole.

I have learned that my bottom is not my sons bottom. It is indeed time to move on with life. The most difficult thing to come to terms with for me was knowing when I released my son is knowing he will either get better or he won't. I need to step out of his way.

 

[pigless in VA]

Leafy is our resident poet. She takes our pain and gives it words which are somehow beautiful. Leafy, to turn pain into something which is beautiful to behold is true art.

 

[Acacia]

To Leafy and all,
Thank you fellow warriors for your continued wise words and support. It's not a club (of those with difficult children) that anyone of us would choose to join, but I try to keep choosing to use the experiences I am handed to become a better, stronger, kinder person. It is hard work, but I choose to learn from my suffering rather than to give in or shut down.
I have thought, as others have expressed, that my children will change when they hit their bottom. Maybe, maybe not, and sadly, I realize that they may never change or that their bottom could be death. I pray not, but it is their choice not mine. As Little BL said, I have reached my bottom. It is painful but necessary to detach.

 

[wisernow]

what a wonderful post Leafy which I believe resonates with all of us! thank you