How do i get my 22 year old daughter to take responsibility and move out!

[Tessiepie]

I am at my wits end on the means to get my 22 year old to move out! Unfortunately she has a 5 year old son which she uses if I move he goes too. I don't want to kick him out I just want her out. She doesn't have a job ... she didn't finish high school She pays nothing and she doesn't do anything around the house. What are the steps to getting her to leave? I am at my wits end.
Mom

 

[recoveringenabler]

Welcome Tessie, I'm sorry you find yourself in this predicament. It's a tough call. There are steps to take to evict your daughter, however, unless you have guardianship or custody or some rights, your grandson may be caught in the middle. You may want to first read the article at the bottom of my post to clarify what detachment is. Then you may want to do some research into a couple of things, what the eviction laws are in your state........for instance in CA. where I live you have to get a court order and give them time, I think it may be 30-60 days at which time you can have a sheriff escort them out. You have to do this formally even if the person is your adult child. Each state is different,so you'll have to find out the rules in your state. Then I would find out what my rights as a grandparent are and if I am willing to take on that role. You may want to consult an attorney as to exactly what your rights in this particular situation are as far as your grandson is concerned.

Once you are clear on what your willingness is, what your legal rights are, if it were me, I would proceed by sitting your daughter down and saying on this date (you pick it) if these guidelines are not followed, insert whatever rules you make about her, (she can stay if she gets a job, helps with these particular chores, goes to therapy, whatever YOUR rules are) changes will follow. If she does not comply, at that point eviction proceedings kick in. There are women's shelters in most counties which provide housing for mothers and their kids. You are the only one who can decide if you're willing to put your grandson into that environment. You are certainly in a very tough spot, your daughter in essence is using your love for your grandson to hold you hostage and to keep you being the enabler. If you can afford it, it may be prudent to talk to an attorney to find out exactly what your rights are. In addition, to keep your stress levels down and for comfort as well as having someone to support you to help make a plan of action, it may be a good idea to seek out professional help, a therapist or counselor, someone for YOU.

Before any action is taken, in my opinion, you have to be clear about what it is you are willing to do, and what you are unwilling to do. I would do all the research to get all the ducks in order including getting myself a therapist. Once you figure out what your options are and what your willingness is, you can make choices based on facts and what it is you really want. You may have limited options, you may have many options, I don't know, but you have to find out what they are. Good luck with all of that. Get yourself some support so you can find answers, you don't deserve to live like this, your daughter, unless impaired by mental issues or substance abuse, or some disability should be out in the world taking care of herself.

 

[Tessiepie]

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply.. sometimes you just feel overwhelmed by everything. I will do the sit down talk and maybe I need to do some changing.. cause I read your detachment... that's me.. not detaching.. wow.. need to do some changing make rules and stick to them.
Thanks for advising and listening..
Mom

 

[helpangel]

When my son & I lived with my parents they charged me $200 a month rent, if didn't have money they had a list of chores with $ amounts worth. It helped my mom by me not laying around expecting her to clean up after me & me because I was contributing to the household. It was like whether money or work nobody rides for free; but guess I did because my dad gave me back all the rent I paid him when got my own place. Good luck and welcome.

Nancy

 

[BusynMember]

In most states, grandmothers don't have any visitation rights in a divorce. I don't know about how it goes if it's not a divorce situation, but your grandson has lived with you for a long time. I really think it's a longshot that they would take custody from his mother and give it to you because she is lazy...and I also think this is unfortunate because it gives her a way to sit on her buttocks and make you keep her with you, if you are unwilling to part with your grandson too.

I'm not sure about what advice to give you. I'd be fuming if a daughter that age sat around without working. One thing you can do is not give her a dime. You can buy things for your grandson, but de-fund her cell phone, her car insurance, any use of the internet, junk food that she doesn't need or any other luxuries that she should be paying for herself. You don't need to cook for her either. She should be learning to cook for herself. As for clothes, same thing. Whatever you are buying her, stop. And once she gets a job charge her rent, even if it's only $100 month. She'll never find an apartment that cheap.

She may get tired of not having anything and actually go to work.

 

[witzend]

It sounds as though you need to start by moving her towards participating in the household, like Nancy said. You don't say what state you live in, but here is a link to a place to start looking into grandparental rights in your state. The grandbaby having lived with you all of this time will be a HUGE factor in your rights.

http://grandparents.about.com/od/grandparentsrights/a/VisitationRightsByState.htm

Before I'd start setting up a chores for rent scheme to present to her - which you should - I'd know your rights to your grandchild, and perhaps consult an attorney as to what your rights are. Some consultations are free, and you might be charged for an hour of time, which will be about $200 - $300, well worth the cost. I'd also be sure that she understands that if you find that she moves on and mistreats or neglects the grandchild you won't hesitate to turn her in to CPS. She's old enough to take care of herself and can choose not to if she wants. Her child is not old enough, and you will be his advocate if she won't be.

 

[DammitJanet]

I tend to agree with everyone here. My kids arent allowed to live here without some sort of help or compensation. I have one son that I think will never move out. He does work, though it took him quite a while for him to get a steady job. Before that he went to school. I did have to teach him (and still do on some chores) how to do most things around the house because when he lived with my mom she didnt teach him a thing. Now my youngest son has moved back in due to some health problems. He is trying to help out with all the chores to the best of his ability.

My kids also contribute some funds to the house. My oldest pays our power bill and I will most likely charge my youngest a small amount because he doesnt get much money each month and he has two kids to attempt to support.

I was scared to death about my kids...especially youngest one and the baby's mom...using my granddaughter as a hostage with us so they could force our hands. I told them both the day she came home from the hospital that would never happen. I loved her dearly but I would not be blackmailed. It sounds like your daughter is blackmailing you with your grandson. I would flat tell her that as much as you adore that child, you will not be held hostage.