How do I go about getting my son to move out

[buddy]

Paradoxically, all that did (both with DS and with the ex) is reinforce that I made the right decision. Nobody but an abuser belittles you for refusing to take abuse.

I left a message with a friend to call me, because the shock is wearing off and the sadness and freaking out is setting in.

sounds like you have great insight along with natural human feelings. so great you can see the manipulation those comments really are. i think most of us with difficult child's in our lives learn to read the message beneath the message really well. it is hard to get others to read those messages sometimes, but as long as we can at least it reduces some of the craziness.

you did the right thing. my son has the same instinct. when i cut his pockets so he couldn't bring yucky stuff home in them he said he was going to ut up all my clothes. He didn't because I reminded him of what would happen if he did. More delay of things he is desperate to do like other kids his age. He has to show maturity before I will let him have a phone etc. Very hard to stick to these plans when they are emotionally blackmailing us! You did great. No, not awful to hope cops are called. It is his choice and he needs to see it is not you that is causing his issues (i suspect he knows that but maybe the husband abuse has brainwashed him too) and if society gives consequences he may see that.

 

[toughlovin]

You know you might want to call the cops yourself and have them do extra checks while you are at work.... also if the building manager is on board they may be able to do a no tresspass order so that if does show up he could be arrested for tresspassing. I know that sounds extreme but it might get the message to your son and that he really can't be there.

TL

 

[Elsieshaye]

You know you might want to call the cops yourself and have them do extra checks while you are at work.... also if the building manager is on board they may be able to do a no tresspass order so that if does show up he could be arrested for tresspassing. I know that sounds extreme but it might get the message to your son and that he really can't be there.TL

You know, the first thing that I thought of when you said this was worry that the police would belittle me for being afraid of my own child. And then I remembered that several of them have arrested him in the past, and may not be as derisive about it as I fear.

 

[keista]

Congratulations!

Is it bad that I'm hoping that the building manager calls the cops if he comes back?

No. The no trespass order is a good idea.

 

[toughlovin]

Police deal with this kind of situation ALL the time. I think they often get frustrated when parents don't do anything. I don't think they would belittle you for being afraid of your own child but instead would want to support you in taking the stand you are. I mean I don't know your police department but that has been my experience.

TL

 

[Elsieshaye]

So, I called the police, and they told me to call back when he actually does something. They won't do extra checks. Frustrating.

 

[Elsieshaye]

Why do you feel you must let him stay to the end of the year? It will be very cold then, and he will use that to play on your guilt.

Just wanted to let you know that he actually said this. "You do realize that you are kicking me to the curb in WINTER?" I actually kind of laughed, which was probably unhelpful, but I'd remembered that you'd raised that as a possibility, so hearing it allowed me to realize that he was working me. Thanks for that.

 

[toughlovin]

Thats ridiculous that they won't do extra checks!!! How much does the apartment manager know? Maybe they would respond if he called them. Grrrr that makes me mad at your police department!!

 

[Elsieshaye]

So. I packed up all his stuff and dismantled his room. He no longer has any place to sleep. I also rearranged the furniture in the rest of the apartment, including taking the loveseat out of my bedroom and putting it back in the living room (my bedroom had become my mini-apartment, and he had pretty much taken over the rest of the place). While I was emptying his drawers, I found some stuff, which is now swimming with the fishes. Very mellow fishes. That was a solid confirmation that I did the right thing, because not having that in the house was a major boundary of mine.

He came by, because apparently he lost his phone and thought it might still be in the apartment. I talked to him through the door, couldn't find the phone, and told him that he needed to figure out a way to call me next time, because I wouldn't answer the door again if he just showed up.

I anticipate that it's going to be a bumpy month.

 

[Nomad]

Congratulations!
Having drug items in your home AND then throwing something precious of yours out in retaliation are two totally inappropriate (to say the least) things.
Yep....signs of not only entitlement, but possibly much more going on as well.
Stick to your guns.
If you can and are willing, you might help him get to and pay for treatment of some kind if and when he is willing to go.
In the mean time, lock up your place like a fortress and get support from good friends.
If possible and appropriate, you might want to see your therapist for an extra visit during this extra turmoil.

 

[buddy]

is your apartment a security apartment? Can you put even those stick on alarms so if he breaks into a window or door he will get a big big surprise? I lied to my young difficult child when he was sneaking out early mornings that they were hooked to the police dept. He was too young to know. but in any event the sound is loud and would get his and the neighbors' attention. Very easy to install and very inexpensive (an alarm company is better but it is not cheap of course, so depending on your situation....some are reasonable if you can afford 90ish a month around here anyway)

 

[susiestar]

I am PROUD of you!!!!!!! I know this was HARD and that the freaking out will not be easy. If you haven't looked up alanon meetings in your area, tonight or tomorrow morning would be a great time to do that - and tomorrow would be a great day to go to a meeting.

As for derisive police, if someone IS derisive of you, report them to the chief of police. I don't care how big the town/city is, there is NO excuse for derision of a parent who is forcing a child to leave because they are stealing from her.

Throwing his bong away was NOT stealing. In some states they are not legal to have (not that it stops someone) and the contents sure are not legal in most areas. If it isn't legal to have it, you can't be held responsible for stealing it.

It IS illegal to throw somethng that doesn't belong to you away. Was it valuable in a financial sense? I would probably tell son that you will press charges for the item he threw away if he is in your home with-o permission, if ANY of your belonging disappear, if he harrasses you in any way, and if he is abusive to you. Chances are he won't care, or will threaten to press charges because you "stole" his bond and the other drugs. Let him try. It will amuse the police most likely. At least it would here anyway!

Go to walmart and/or radio shack and find some door and window alarms. They are fairly inexpensive. Make sure EVERY door and window has one. If your windows are the type that lift up, get some dowel rods or broomstick handles and cut them so taht they fit upright on top of the window so that the window can't be opened. MANY window locks are very easy to open from the outside. Be sure you have a dowel or broomstick handle that fits in the track of the sliding door if you have one. These will help protect your home. If you have renter's insurance, ask the agent to do a security audit and give you advice to keep your home secure. You can get an audit from a security company, but it mostly will be about selling you a security system. Without the added expense of difficult child in the home you might be able to afford a security system, and it might be an idea, but it wouldn't hurt to check out less expensive alternatives.

I know you may freak out soon. He is your son and you want to know that he is safe, not living on the streets, healthy, and happy. Throwing him out may feel unnatural to you at some point, and even just wrong. But you did the right thing and this is in his best interest in the long run - and in YOURS!

Be especially NICE to yourself in the coming days/weeks. You deserve it. ((((((((((hugs))))))))))

 

[DammitJanet]

I was told by the domestic violence center here that I could get a protective order against my son to keep him from coming back to my home. At one point I was seriously considering it but a medical illness happened and once that cleared up for me, I didnt remember anything that went on for the prior several months which was probably a good thing and I didnt realize I was mad at him anymore. LOL. So the order of protection never got filed, he ended up moving out anyway and all actually went well for a long time.

 

[Elsieshaye]

Thanks, everyone, for the advice and support.

I spoke to the building manager today, and she will initiate a no trespass order. She apparently went through something like this with one of her kids, and understands, which is immensely helpful.

Doing laundry now, trying to get some normalcy into my day, but will leave in a little while to get window and door alarms/dowels. There's an Al-anon meeting tonight at 7 that I will go to. I'm kind of scared to be away from the apartment, but I know it'll do me good. I really want to get the place sealed up before I have to go back to work tomorrow. I figure it'll take a couple of days for his righteous indignation to wear down and the reality of his situation to set in, and that's the point at which he'll start trying to get back into the apartment. I kept waking up every hour or so to check the balcony and make sure he wasn't sleeping there.

 

[Elsieshaye]

So. I installed the window and door alarms. Here's hoping I don't set them off myself, lol. Those suckers are LOUD.

I texted DS this morning to find out if he'd ever found his cell phone. If he hadn't, I was going to cancel the service. He called me back about 4 hours later to let me know that he had it, and that he had left the thing of my mother's that he had thrown away on the front mat. (Apparently, he dug it out of the trash when I threw him out, and was giving it back to me as a peace offering. It's an electronic device, so I'm pretty sure it won't be there when I get back from work, but anyway.)

I reminded him that it wasn't safe for him to come back to the property because they were going to get him for trespassing, and then said goodbye. A couple of hours later, I get this weird voice mail from him. Apparently, he wants to participate in a study on Conduct Disorder being done by a local medical group, and he's going to text me their number so that I can participate too and give them his medical history. Honestly, I think he was high when he called me.

I think the plan for the next few weeks is to just let all calls go to voice mail, and to pretty much say no to anything he asks of me, unless it involves him wanting to get the rest of his stuff. I'm predicting that there will be some more oblique attempts at contact before the demands to come home start (which will be met with a no). I've only had one full day of living on my own, without anyone criticising, mocking, harassing or demanding anything of me, and already I'm digging my heels in and not wanting to let go of it. I can't express how wonderful the peace has been.

Any more predictions on what his next approaches might be? I'm trying to build a stock of scenarios and responses in my head so that I don't feel quite so broad-sided by things.

 

[Elsieshaye]

It IS illegal to throw somethng that doesn't belong to you away. Was it valuable in a financial sense? I would probably tell son that you will press charges for the item he threw away if he is in your home with-o permission, if ANY of your belonging disappear, if he harrasses you in any way, and if he is abusive to you. Chances are he won't care, or will threaten to press charges because you "stole" his bond and the other drugs. Let him try. It will amuse the police most likely. At least it would here anyway!<snip>

I know you may freak out soon. He is your son and you want to know that he is safe, not living on the streets, healthy, and happy. Throwing him out may feel unnatural to you at some point, and even just wrong. But you did the right thing and this is in his best interest in the long run - and in YOURS!

Be especially NICE to yourself in the coming days/weeks. You deserve it. ((((((((((hugs))))))))))

Thanks. What I told him when he said he threw it away was that I was witholding his next installment of cash. He was apparently ok with that, but I have a feeling that his returning the item to me today was an attempt to be able to say "see, you got it back, now give me my money." Now that I know that he's actively doing drugs again (he says he smokes "once a month," which probably really means it's more like several times a week), I'm really not comfortable giving him money.

 

[DammitJanet]

I cant remember where the money comes from? Is it from a family trust? If so, no way he gets the money. If it was money he earned before he was 18...also nope, he earned it before he was 18 and you were entitled to that money. Yeah I know that is splitting hairs and feels really bad. before 18 he isnt allowed to own anything. If its the money from financial aid, well, I guess he gets it. its his and if he blows it, then he wont get it next year if he doesnt pay for what he is supposed to pay for.

 

[Elsieshaye]

Janet, this is allowance money (I know, I know). This morning, I've already had one text, two voice mails, and 10 minutes of knocking on the door (none of which I responded to) because he's out of money and is hungry. Every single mom-cell in my brain is screaming that I have to give him money, can't let my baby starve, etc. The more rational parts are reminding me this is a slippery slope, and that I need to be consistent, even if it's hard. I set his ringtone to silent (oh, great, another call). He's actually standing in the hallway outside my apartment talking to someone on his phone now. I'm essentially pretending to not be home (which I actually wouldn't be, if I weren't sick - I leave for work a lot earlier than this usually, but have a sinus infection and stayed home today.

ETA: I just texted him back that I wasn't going to give him any money. His response "why?"

 

[Elsieshaye]

He's standing outside my door crying because he has no food (I also don't see his backpack), but simultaneously telling me "why should I respect you - you keep on giving up on me?" This is ripping my heart out. I asked him to leave.

 

[Elsieshaye]

He wouldn't leave, so I called the police. Waiting for them now. I feel like the world's worst person.

ETA: They came (there were four of them, good grief!) but he had left. They told me to call right away the next time he shows up, and said they would look out for him. I burst into tears. They were very nice, and told me (when I said "I just can't have him living here any more") "you don't have to, he's 18." I let them know about the pocket knife, and what drugs I thought he might be taking. Now I'm kind of scared to leave the house, but I have to go to Urgent Care at some point to get antibiotics (sinus infection).