How do I go about getting my son to move out

buddy

New Member
Oh wow, you are so smart. Not having done this myself, you are being an amazing teacher. That would have sucked me in and it would have been wrong on my part. He is probably feeling like sh*t but it is because he got caught and he is not comfortable, I doubt he is truly sincerely sorry for how you feel. And certainly he can't just stop the behavior even IF he is sorry. So there would be no point in talking, right? Only more of his wanting you to feel badly for him and for him to get his emotional (and physical) needs met by you. Just what it seems like to me... you have great instincts and strength.
 

Elsieshaye

Member
This is iteration nine million of the same song and dance. He feels entitled and contemptuous right up until he gets some unavoidable consequence, and then he is sorry and feels bad. The minute things get better, he reverts right back to entitlement and contempt. At the time, he feels genuinely horrible and sad, and will do just about anything to "fix" the situation. But it never lasts. I'm worried about him, but as it turns out he didn't even check the shelter, which is four blocks from here, so if he's been sleeping rough it's because he hasn't exhausted all his resources. It's a little frustrating that he admits to using drugs but denies having a problem with drugs or alcohol (the reason he gave for not going to the local 12-step place, which is open very late, has meetings hourly on Sundays, and could maybe find him a place to crash). I'm just so tired of being lied to.

ETA: And, yes, you're absolutely right - the whole point of this exercise for him is to get his needs met, by whatever means possible. Right now, the path of least resistance has traditionally been making me feel bad for him and wearing me down. That's not working for him anymore, and he's like the rat that keeps pushing the button frantically although no treats are being dispensed.
 

keista

New Member
Way To Go being strong! I'm with buddy, that exchange would have sucked me in as well, BUT I also know that is wrong. I've learned the hard way with difficult ppl that I just should NOT allow any communication with myself because I WILL get sucked right back in and that is absolutely NOT a good thing. My mom heart aches for yours because I'm sure it is WAY more difficult to do with your own child. Keep on keeping strong.
 

Elsieshaye

Member
I've learned the hard way with difficult ppl that I just should NOT allow any communication with myself because I WILL get sucked right back in and that is absolutely NOT a good thing.

Keista, that's exactly why I'm trying to get him to stop talking to me. Every exchange is dangerous for me, because getting sucked in would be a disaster for both of us. He needs to not lean on me, and I need to not be a place for him to land right now. It won't work any other way.

But, yes, it's really, really hard. I can't let myself think about it too much, otherwise I get pulled into the worry-vortex.
 

Elsieshaye

Member
So, I get an email last night that he's been living in his father's town 300 miles away since Tuesday morning. He has other friends there, so I asked him who he was with, and he said his father. I'm really glad he's safe, but I'm pretty sure his father will focus on how the whole thing is my fault and will enjoy his role as "rescuer" of our son. All of DS's life, the ex has blamed everyone else for both his own and DS's behaviors. DS has always been angry with me for not "sticking up for him" more, and demanding that he have consequences for his actions. (I stood in court more than once and told the judge that, since he had been threatening DS repeatedly with juvenile detention if he didn't stop committing probation violations, we'd better follow through at some point or stop saying it. I was scared my son would have worse problems if he didn't get consequences. DS and his father both accused me of not loving DS, and DS has told me in the past that, even though he acknowledges that his behaviors were wrong, he wanted me to be more like his father and "back him no matter what.") The emails are superficially polite but fairly cutting. I think I am just going to have to accept that DS and I aren't going to have a relationship for quite a while. On the up side, he's going to be picking up his belongings sometime in the next month, and I can walk down the street in my own neighborhood without worrying about aggressive confrontations. Still sucks, and I'm very sad, although I'm glad he's physically safe and hope this helps him get straightened out.
 

Elsieshaye

Member
We've set up a date/time for him and his father to pick up the rest of his stuff. Apparently, XH is getting money from a relative to fund the trip up here, because DS asked me to send the relative an email confirming the date. (With good reason, nobody in XH's family trusts him with money. I'm glad though, because I assumed he'd try to hit me up for gas money or even a hotel room.) I sent the email, and have not gotten any kind of response back from the relative, which is not like her. I suspect I'm the bad guy as far as they are concerned. I'm both sad about that and relieved, if that makes any sense. Relieved, because that means I no longer have to make any sort of effort to stay in touch. I don't particularly feel compelled to make sure they understand my side, but I do feel a bit hurt that she didn't ask what happened. I have no idea what DS and XH told her, but I can't imagine that it was the actual truth.

I've got a friend coming over the day of the stuff pickup, and I'm going to have as much stuff out on the lawn as possible so they don't need to come into my home. I'm probably going to be sad about DS being out of the area at some point, but for right now, it's pure relief.
 

majaca

New Member
Elsie
I seem to be in the same type situation as you. My son is 19 with ADD and substance abuse issues. He is currently in jail since last Tues...he turned himself in as he violated his probation, in mild way, I must add. Probation officer is trying to get him committed to a 60 day program and then 6 months in a halfway house. The dad and paternal grandma has come to his rescue (again) and hired a lawyer....so he's in jail for now with no bail and his next court appearance is on Jan. 4 with the goal of trying to get the 60 day rehab stint reversed. I am the bad guy....again. They actually think I am in cahoots with the Probation officer! (she is evil in my opinion!) But, all I want is for my son to change paths! He is a gifted and intelligent person who is on the road to nowhere!

Anyways, that's part of my story. I am new here....your original post caught my eye. Merry Christmas everyone.
 

Elsieshaye

Member
Majaca, I can really relate to what you're saying - I was the bad guy too as far as difficult child's dad is concerned. Hang in there...
 
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