How do I help my friend?

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by bran155, Feb 12, 2009.

  1. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    Hi all. Some of you might remember when my daughter was in jail an old friend who is BiPolar (BP) was going to visit her. She really wanted to help my daughter. Nice girl with lots and lots of problems. She was addicted to crack for many years, had about 12 CPS cases on her, prostituted herself for drugs, was in a very abusive relationship and her mom passed away. She has a 10 year old daughter who has ADHD and is developmentally delayed. She has a boyfriend who just got out of prison for selling drugs after 22 months. He just came home 2 weeks ago. Before he came home she was doing really well. My sister and I sort of took her under our wings, we were trying to keep her as stable as possible. She does take her medications and does go to therapy.

    Since the boyfriend came home her life has taken a downward spiral!!! She also found out that while on visitation with her father her daughter was drinking. Her father (the abuser) is an alchoholic and a recovering addict. (used to get high together) Her daughter came home from a visit and told her that she did not want to ever go back to her dads house again. She went on to tell my friend that her father was putting liquor and beer in her drinks. Making her drink. She said that she would drink it until she felt dizzy!!!! Sick right? So my friend was a mess over this. Called CPS on him and got an order of protection. After this she finds out that her boyfriend who has been home for only a few days (at that point) is talking to other girls and his ex. She took care of him, of course, while he was doing his time.

    Since she has had so many previous CPS cases brought against her they are now investigating her yet again. Because now CPS is involved with regards to the father and she has such a long history with them they are on her butt too.

    She started talking about suicide. She wanted to take her medications all at once and just go to sleep. My sister and I convinced her to sign herself into the hospital. She fought us tooth and nail but we finally got her to do it. She then signs herself right out!!! She only spent 2 nights there. No medication change, no nothing. All they did was add Klonopine to her list of medications. Only makes her worse. All she does now is sleep all day. She is a complete mess again. She was doing so well before her boyfriend came home. She was on top of the world. Feeling great, doing great. Upbeat and positive. Since he has been home she has made a total turn around for the worse!!! I want her to go back into the hospital but here is what she is telling me: She can't because CPS told her that if she did they would take her daughter away. They also told her if she stops her medications they will take her away. Okay, I can believe that if she stops taking her medications they will take her daughter away but I find it very hard to believe that if she seeks treatment she needs, like putting herself into the hospital that they will take her daughter???? If she has a stable responsible person to take care of her daughter then why on earth would they want to take her daughter away for getting help. I think she is lying about that because she doesn't want to go into the hospital. What do you think? I just don't think that makes sense. Would'nt CPS want her to get help so that she can be a better mother???

    I think she has a lot on her plate and just can't handle it. It is very frustrating to my sister and I because we know that the boyfriend is a huge trigger for her. He is a bum. In and out of prison, cheats on her and lives off of her. I know that she would be better off without him. She was doing so well before he came home. Now she is a mess. Too concerned with what he is doing. The second day he was home she had drama with the ex girlfriend. Childish phone stuff, ya know? She so needs to dump this guy. She has no self esteem so she just puts up with it to be loved. Of course we all know that what he is giving her is not love!!! And I know that I cannot make her leave him. But how on earth do I help her now? She won't go back into the hospital. She takes her medications and sleeps all day. The doctor told her to take the Klonopines as a prn but she takes them 3 times a day. I, of course told her not to as that is why she is sleeping all day. She does not need to take them, she wants to. She has an appointment with the psychiatrist tomorrow that I am trying to convince her to let me come to. I would love to talk with him. I don't think she really wants me to. I am afraid for her. I do not want that dreaded phone call that she really did kill herself!!!!

    What can I do to help her? Any advice would be much appreciated.

  2. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    My thoughts- which are worth what you're paying for them-LOL! This almost sounds hopeless since she has so many things going against her right now- 1) Can she take her daughter and move out of the area to get away from these people and get help somewhere else? 2) If she can find someone who does not have drug problems, a history with CPS, etc., to take care of her daughter while she goes inpatient somewhere for treatment, I would think that DSS would be staisfied with that arrangement and the friend would be more apt to stay in treatment if she knew that her daughter was taken care of by someone she knew. 3) Detach- if she isn't willing to help herself, there is nothing you can do. You could be a character witness if/when she's taken to court over her child custody/parental rights and tell them that she was doing ok before the boyfriend came home, but there might not be anything else you can do
  3. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    LOL, your cute klmno!!!

    I agree with you. I really feel as though I am banging my head against the wall. She was supposed to come over here an hour ago to talk, she didn't show up and is not taking my calls!!! I know she is busy following the boyfriend around like a lost puppy. I am angry with her at this point!!! I am more than willing to help her if she wants the help. However, I have enough on my plate, I am not going to be chasing her and babysitting her. She is 33, not a child!!!

  4. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    I KNEW IT!!! She just called. She is home with the boyfriend. Of course she is!!! UUURRGGHHH!!!! She just ticks me off. She reaches out for help but really doesn't want it. Sometimes I think she likes playing the victim.

    Well, nothing I can do - hu?
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    There is NOTHING you can do if she doesn't want help. I'd keep calling CPS though. That child should be taken away from both of them and put in a safe home.
  6. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Here is the biggest misnomer in the world regarding bad relationships. She's actually USING this man as much as HE is using her. Sad but very very true. And everyone sits and says "Poor thing she had her life together UNTIL ....him, her dad, CPS." and you have to ask "WHO invited the trouble?" Until she starts taking responsibility for HER choices, I'm afraid her consequences will be state agencies making her CHOICES for her, and sadly for her daughters well being also.

    With Drughead in the picture she has an excuse to have childlike and irresponsible behaviors. "I'm so stressed out. I can't deal with him sleeping with other women when I am the one that supported him throughout his jail term." ACHHHHH PHOOEY. With her Dad? Okay admittedly she said he was an alcoholic while she was growing up. Why would you EVER take a chance and leave your daughter alone with him?

    I'm telling you kid - the RED FLAGS are just screaming in this picture. And once again she's trying to work things out on HER terms and make the world bend to HER wishes and it does NOT work that way. In the mean time she has you and your sister feeling sorry for her situation.

    Since you are MY friend and I care about you, I'm going to point out a few things that you may be too close to see.
    Red flag #1 - She has 12 CPS charges on her already.
    -Wouldn't YOU having that many charges and wanting to keep your child do EVERYTHING you were told to do to improve your life? Not allowing Drugheads back into your and your childs home when YOU had a crack addiction?
    Red flag #2 - She admits that stress is a trigger for her use. Not verbally perhaps but isn't she sitting around wallowing in the pity of her choices and trying to drag you and your sis into the pity pool?
    -If stupid decisions result in stress, and stress is a trigger for use? Would you really invite a drug dealer to come live again with you and your little girl - you know the one who is getting booze from her Grandpa. And while THAT is horrible - Gosh let's move no-job, drug-dealer boyfriend back in with her and the kid - yeah - NOT AS BAD AS BOOZE....and golly neither is the stress for that kid from what ANYONE knows is the arguing and fighting going on.
    Red flag #3 - She HAS a fantastic support system. (you and sis) but refuses to stay in a medical hospital and is making up lies about CPS to get everyone to feel sorry for her. (I feel sorry for the kid - she has no choice in this)
    -If you REALLY wanted to turn your life around and MAKE a life for you and your child - wouldn't you take the assistance and help that is being handed to you gratis? And would you CHECK yourself out of a place that would help you help yourself? OR would you make up a cockandbull story, and rush back to your stressful life with your drugdealer, no-job, non-supportive in any way that I can see boyfriend and basically pick him over your kids sanity?

    The USS Disaster is afloat once again. Don't go down with the ship.

    Gosh Star why don't you really tell us what you mean? Because Bran - this could have been my life with my x and this little girl could end up worse than my son. That's why.

    If she's willing to stay committed to getting help and making healthy choices for her and her daughter? Fine - help her. If not? I just can't see not allowing CPS to give this kid at the very least - counseling, and a stable day without arguing and yelling. IT HOOVERS totally and you and I both know CPS isn't always the best answer for a kid - being taken away from your Mom isn't fun - but neither is staying in a home, and watching your parent self destruct. Someone has to be a grown up for that kid.

    I'm sorry - passionate about children and it eeks out when things hit a nerve I've suffered through with my x. and - for 5 years allowed my beautiful, loving son to suffer through as well.

    Hugs - Star
  7. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    You go girl!!! You are so right. You are so much like my sister. She has a lot less tolerance for "J" than me. Although I totally agree that she is bringing a lot of this on herself, I tend to have more sympathy for her. But I will not play this game with her. I am not going to drop my life for her when she wants to play victim.

    Let me clear something up, either you misunderstood what I said or I said it wrong. Her father isn't the alcoholic, her daughter's father is. J had an amazing childhood, wonderful parents, minimal dysfunction. They were just a bit overprotective but that's it. Her daughter's father is the one who was giving her daughter the alcohol. This little girl is 10 with the mentality of a 6 year old. HER father was giving her liquor and beer. He was putting it in her drinks. Pretty sick!!!! This poor little girl has so much working against her. Her mom is a recovering crack addict, she was smoking it while her daughter was with her, she basically was running a crack house with the daughter there. Her father is also a recovering crack addict who used to beat the mom severely in front of her and now is an alcoholic.

    Oh and get this!!! The day before J's boyfriend came home from jail she and her daughter went shopping for sexy lingere!!! (SP?) She bought a playboy bunny costume, a french maids costume and some other kinky things right in front of this little girl. Then she says to her mom "Oh mom are those sexies for Mark" (the boyfriend) And J just thought that was so cute!!! What??? I told her that was not cute at all, more like extremely inappropriate!!!!

    This poor little one doesn't stand a chance!!!!
  8. janebrain

    janebrain New Member

    Wow, Star--great post! I think you hit every nail on the head! And Bran, remember you have your own life to live and your own problems--you don't need to take on someone else's. Sometimes that can be a diversion from working on your own stuff to throw yourself into someone else's drama. Why don't you go eat some salad?:)

  9. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    LMAO!!!! I just ate one!!!! Seriously I did, for lunch. :)
  10. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Oh, gosh, I have nothing to add ... there are some excellent responses here. Way more than I would have even thought of.