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How do I let go?
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 751390" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Dear Julee</p><p></p><p>This was a brilliant post! You distill ALL of what I have been dealing with for years, in a short post. There are several threads now that are grappling with the same things you are, that are going on now. I will try to explain what I mean.</p><p></p><p>I think I will start with the concept "my side of the street." By that I mean a way to understand and to experience my son where I can be loving and feel loving without being engulfed by negative feelings and realities that are not my own to bear.</p><p></p><p>When I began to detach from my son, I experienced detachment as a largely physical process. He needed to be out of my house. He needed to stay away. I needed space. I needed to be protected from behaviors x, y and z.</p><p></p><p>I experienced detachment as: <em>make them go away.</em></p><p></p><p>Because my son's behaviors evoked emotional responses in me that made me feel bad and sad. I understood the concept of boundaries, to say no to behaviors and situations x, y and z, but I could not deal with the emotions that arose in me, when I did so.</p><p>Like this: And this: This kind of detachment, which you write about, was the part I struggled to do. Coming to grips with my own psychology, my own hopes, wishes, dreams, history...and how all of that plays out with my child. I came to see all of this as a gift. With the acceptance that struggle is the only way we learn in life. It is the vehicle to redeem ourselves and our own lives.</p><p></p><p>So now I see the essentially important part of detachment as the inner work I do in relationship with my son. I no longer (so much) see the necessity to be away from in order to feel good about myself or inside myself. I am seeing the emotions that come up in relationship to him, as potential, as food for thought, as messages in a bottle, about myself, and my life.</p><p></p><p>These are the questions that came up for me, in response to your wonderful post:</p><p></p><p>How to stay on our side of the street emotionally, and actually?</p><p></p><p>How to deal with our own feelings that are evoked when we are in relationship with them?</p><p></p><p>How to love them without being consumed by them?</p><p></p><p>How to give some but not all, and be at peace with this?</p><p></p><p>How to not be consumed by our own regret?</p><p></p><p>How to not be consumed by our own guilt?</p><p></p><p>How to understand and live with our own sense of responsibility, when our children are well beyond the years where we have any control?</p><p></p><p>How to accept "half a loaf?" When dreams, wishes, yearnings come up against "reality?"</p><p></p><p>How to live with our own regret about our lives that did not end up like we had wished or believe they should have?</p><p></p><p>I have come to the belief that for me most of these questions are spiritual in nature and have spiritual answers rather than psychological ones. That switch in me, from concepts of dysfunction or problems, to something deeper, has given me the potential for peace.</p><p></p><p>I welcome you to this forum and I am grateful to you for your deep and thoughtful post.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 751390, member: 18958"] Dear Julee This was a brilliant post! You distill ALL of what I have been dealing with for years, in a short post. There are several threads now that are grappling with the same things you are, that are going on now. I will try to explain what I mean. I think I will start with the concept "my side of the street." By that I mean a way to understand and to experience my son where I can be loving and feel loving without being engulfed by negative feelings and realities that are not my own to bear. When I began to detach from my son, I experienced detachment as a largely physical process. He needed to be out of my house. He needed to stay away. I needed space. I needed to be protected from behaviors x, y and z. I experienced detachment as: [I]make them go away.[/I] Because my son's behaviors evoked emotional responses in me that made me feel bad and sad. I understood the concept of boundaries, to say no to behaviors and situations x, y and z, but I could not deal with the emotions that arose in me, when I did so. Like this: And this: This kind of detachment, which you write about, was the part I struggled to do. Coming to grips with my own psychology, my own hopes, wishes, dreams, history...and how all of that plays out with my child. I came to see all of this as a gift. With the acceptance that struggle is the only way we learn in life. It is the vehicle to redeem ourselves and our own lives. So now I see the essentially important part of detachment as the inner work I do in relationship with my son. I no longer (so much) see the necessity to be away from in order to feel good about myself or inside myself. I am seeing the emotions that come up in relationship to him, as potential, as food for thought, as messages in a bottle, about myself, and my life. These are the questions that came up for me, in response to your wonderful post: How to stay on our side of the street emotionally, and actually? How to deal with our own feelings that are evoked when we are in relationship with them? How to love them without being consumed by them? How to give some but not all, and be at peace with this? How to not be consumed by our own regret? How to not be consumed by our own guilt? How to understand and live with our own sense of responsibility, when our children are well beyond the years where we have any control? How to accept "half a loaf?" When dreams, wishes, yearnings come up against "reality?" How to live with our own regret about our lives that did not end up like we had wished or believe they should have? I have come to the belief that for me most of these questions are spiritual in nature and have spiritual answers rather than psychological ones. That switch in me, from concepts of dysfunction or problems, to something deeper, has given me the potential for peace. I welcome you to this forum and I am grateful to you for your deep and thoughtful post. [/QUOTE]
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