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How do I let go?
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<blockquote data-quote="Tanya M" data-source="post: 751393" data-attributes="member: 18516"><p>Hi Julee,</p><p></p><p>Welcome to the group.</p><p></p><p></p><p>You did the best you could and that is good enough. There are many stories within these pages of people who had plenty of money, plenty of time, plenty of love, they gave their child everything and their child still does not function well. </p><p>I have also read stories of people who came from complete dysfunction and have ended up extremely successful. </p><p>Your son ending up the way he has, has more to do with HIM, not you.</p><p></p><p></p><p>You are not a horrible mother. You have obviously been there for your son and have helped him many times over the years. He is a 44 year old man, he is not a child that needs to be taken care of.</p><p></p><p></p><p>I would say this is more of a pattern of behavior for both of you. You have enabled him over the years and he has come to expect that.</p><p>This is where you have control. You need to change your behavior. I think it's wonderful that you reach out to him and want to keep communication open. When he asks for money or help is your opportunity to change they dynamics of your relationship. It's your opportunity to start setting some clear and defined boundaries. It's okay to just simply tell him "I'm not able to help you". You do not owe him any type of explanation as to why.</p><p>You do not owe your son anything!!! </p><p></p><p></p><p>Honey, you are giving yourself more power than you have. You do not have the power to ruin another persons life.</p><p>My bio father sexually abused me but I made a choice to not let that define who I am or how I will live my life. </p><p>We each only have control over our own lives. Your son's life is no different. He gets to choose each day how he will live his life. The choices he makes our his alone. You did not ruin him and are not responsible for him.</p><p></p><p>You are stuck in what we call the FOG - Fear, Obligation, Guilt. I used to be stuck in the FOG and did not think I would ever be able to find my way out of it. I and many others here are proof that you can detach with love and move on to live your own life.</p><p></p><p>I'm so glad you found us here. You will find much need support on these pages.</p><p></p><p>Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Tanya M, post: 751393, member: 18516"] Hi Julee, Welcome to the group. You did the best you could and that is good enough. There are many stories within these pages of people who had plenty of money, plenty of time, plenty of love, they gave their child everything and their child still does not function well. I have also read stories of people who came from complete dysfunction and have ended up extremely successful. Your son ending up the way he has, has more to do with HIM, not you. You are not a horrible mother. You have obviously been there for your son and have helped him many times over the years. He is a 44 year old man, he is not a child that needs to be taken care of. I would say this is more of a pattern of behavior for both of you. You have enabled him over the years and he has come to expect that. This is where you have control. You need to change your behavior. I think it's wonderful that you reach out to him and want to keep communication open. When he asks for money or help is your opportunity to change they dynamics of your relationship. It's your opportunity to start setting some clear and defined boundaries. It's okay to just simply tell him "I'm not able to help you". You do not owe him any type of explanation as to why. You do not owe your son anything!!! Honey, you are giving yourself more power than you have. You do not have the power to ruin another persons life. My bio father sexually abused me but I made a choice to not let that define who I am or how I will live my life. We each only have control over our own lives. Your son's life is no different. He gets to choose each day how he will live his life. The choices he makes our his alone. You did not ruin him and are not responsible for him. You are stuck in what we call the FOG - Fear, Obligation, Guilt. I used to be stuck in the FOG and did not think I would ever be able to find my way out of it. I and many others here are proof that you can detach with love and move on to live your own life. I'm so glad you found us here. You will find much need support on these pages. Keep posting and let us know how you are doing. [/QUOTE]
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