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How do I let go?
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<blockquote data-quote="WiseChoices" data-source="post: 751394" data-attributes="member: 24254"><p>Welcome! </p><p>I have struggled with those same deep feelings of guilt, and the thibg with guilt is that it is not helpful in acting on our own behalf . The 12 steps in Al-Anon helped me A LOT in letting go of guilt over my parenting mistakes . When I drop that heavy rock, I can show up as my best self . Only then can I be of true service to others.</p><p></p><p>"Helping" an adult child out of guilt is not actually helping. It's diminishing his growth and hurting his self esteem. Now I have done all those things and still struggle, so I understand these coping mechanisms. </p><p></p><p>When we set boundaries with loved ones, we are helping in a true sense, because we model healthy behavior and how to take care of ourselves.</p><p></p><p>I don't think that you need to avoid having your son in your life unless you want to have it that way . You can define the relationship on your terms a little more . When he asks to borrow money, you can just politely decline and say that you don't want him to ask you for money anymore .That you would like your relationship today to be defined by mutual respect and healthy boundaries, and love and acceptance. And you can support him by cheering him on, not allowing limitations to stand in your way : "I believe in you", "I know you can do it", " I am sure you will find a solution to this problem", " every problem is an opportunity to live in a solution" etc pp</p><p></p><p>The pain and grief you are feeling has a lot to do with the guilt and blame you are heaping on yourself .It's important to work through those feelings for you . As adults we are responsible for our own lives and your son is responsible for making up any deficiencies he may have from childhood and raise up to his own life no matter what you did or didn't do. </p><p></p><p>Let yourself off the hook and step into your life with confidence.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="WiseChoices, post: 751394, member: 24254"] Welcome! I have struggled with those same deep feelings of guilt, and the thibg with guilt is that it is not helpful in acting on our own behalf . The 12 steps in Al-Anon helped me A LOT in letting go of guilt over my parenting mistakes . When I drop that heavy rock, I can show up as my best self . Only then can I be of true service to others. "Helping" an adult child out of guilt is not actually helping. It's diminishing his growth and hurting his self esteem. Now I have done all those things and still struggle, so I understand these coping mechanisms. When we set boundaries with loved ones, we are helping in a true sense, because we model healthy behavior and how to take care of ourselves. I don't think that you need to avoid having your son in your life unless you want to have it that way . You can define the relationship on your terms a little more . When he asks to borrow money, you can just politely decline and say that you don't want him to ask you for money anymore .That you would like your relationship today to be defined by mutual respect and healthy boundaries, and love and acceptance. And you can support him by cheering him on, not allowing limitations to stand in your way : "I believe in you", "I know you can do it", " I am sure you will find a solution to this problem", " every problem is an opportunity to live in a solution" etc pp The pain and grief you are feeling has a lot to do with the guilt and blame you are heaping on yourself .It's important to work through those feelings for you . As adults we are responsible for our own lives and your son is responsible for making up any deficiencies he may have from childhood and raise up to his own life no matter what you did or didn't do. Let yourself off the hook and step into your life with confidence. [/QUOTE]
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