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How do I let go?
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<blockquote data-quote="JayPee" data-source="post: 751506" data-attributes="member: 23405"><p>Welcome Metrim and Julee,</p><p></p><p>I have two sons that are homeless, one is 30 and the other 26. I have done what many on this forum have done in the past, buy cars, put them in hotels intermittently, buy food, pay for gas, pay for car repairs. You get the picture I'm sure. Each of my sons has been given opportunities by me and others, a spring board to success and they repeatedly fall flat on their faces.</p><p></p><p>They blame me for the rotten childhood they had growing up with an alcoholic father. I have been in Al anon for 2 1/2 yrs. and have learned that I too am sick from the disease of alcoholism. Not that I'm the alcoholic but from the 30 yr. affect of living with one. It has taken me a lot of serious work on myself to get better. For me I had to get healthier minded myself before I could set and keep boundaries. The sons would wear me down by their persistently asking for money and my guilt over what I wished I would have done, ate at my very core morning noon and night. I constantly felt their feelings. I took on their misery, their sadness, hunger, coldness, sorrow, failures, irresponsibility and so on. It was exhausting. </p><p></p><p>I have been in therapy also for two years, originally to get through the divorce but now it's really just to survive the two homeless sons. I have never let either of them into my apartment because I will no longer tolerate, verbal threats, verbal abuse, smoking pot, etc. I had to work through that and get stronger so I wouldn't feel guilty or selfish that I was living in comfort while they were freezing through a snow storm or 100 degree weather. I've also read every good book I could get my hands on and keep journals. When I'm feeling weak I pull out my emergency notes and read them like my life depended on it because it does. I don't want to slip back into my stinken' thinking.</p><p></p><p>With all these tools and this forum which I joined just a few months ago I have finally turned the corner very recently. Unfortunately, for me, for now, I have to complete detach from the 30 yr. old who physically threatened me due to his anger issues over my stance on not helping him gas his car or provide any other assistance to him anymore. This is difficult but the alternative would be to open the doors, reconcile and in 30 seconds when he starts telling me he doesn't have clean cloths, he's starving, he needs gas, his car isn't running good etc. etc. I'd lose my mind and have to block him again because neither of them understand the word "NO". I have to know that in the short time we've not spoken that he has not miraculously gotten better and turned his life around.</p><p></p><p>The less he and the younger son are in contact with me the stronger I get. I found that I could not detach, piece by piece. Meaning, I could just start with not providing food, or not providing gas...it really in my case, had to be all at once because they know how to manipulate and pull at my heart strings. I am taking this time to heal properly so that I am not so vulnerable to their tactics.</p><p></p><p>Like all of mothers I hope someday it will be a healthy relationship but I'm not making any bets. Their patterns of laziness, entitlement and blaming everyone else for their poor situation has been pretty long standing. Even if they don't have a haircut for a job interview it becomes my problem.</p><p></p><p>Once I relinquished all this it felt like a weight was off my shoulders. The minute I start to sink in the quicksand and circulate all those crummy thoughts, I try to push them away.</p><p></p><p>I will say that for me turning this over to God was and is the only way I've gotten through this. That has been my strength. No willpower will take care of this problem.</p><p></p><p>Keep posting, keep sharing, reading, praying, exercise and surround yourself with a good support system. Someone you can talk to that will listen and allow you to grow and heal and learn and not just crush you and tell you to "just stop doing what your doing". You need compassion and sometimes we have to just stop and give it to ourselves and stop beating ourselves up mentally.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="JayPee, post: 751506, member: 23405"] Welcome Metrim and Julee, I have two sons that are homeless, one is 30 and the other 26. I have done what many on this forum have done in the past, buy cars, put them in hotels intermittently, buy food, pay for gas, pay for car repairs. You get the picture I'm sure. Each of my sons has been given opportunities by me and others, a spring board to success and they repeatedly fall flat on their faces. They blame me for the rotten childhood they had growing up with an alcoholic father. I have been in Al anon for 2 1/2 yrs. and have learned that I too am sick from the disease of alcoholism. Not that I'm the alcoholic but from the 30 yr. affect of living with one. It has taken me a lot of serious work on myself to get better. For me I had to get healthier minded myself before I could set and keep boundaries. The sons would wear me down by their persistently asking for money and my guilt over what I wished I would have done, ate at my very core morning noon and night. I constantly felt their feelings. I took on their misery, their sadness, hunger, coldness, sorrow, failures, irresponsibility and so on. It was exhausting. I have been in therapy also for two years, originally to get through the divorce but now it's really just to survive the two homeless sons. I have never let either of them into my apartment because I will no longer tolerate, verbal threats, verbal abuse, smoking pot, etc. I had to work through that and get stronger so I wouldn't feel guilty or selfish that I was living in comfort while they were freezing through a snow storm or 100 degree weather. I've also read every good book I could get my hands on and keep journals. When I'm feeling weak I pull out my emergency notes and read them like my life depended on it because it does. I don't want to slip back into my stinken' thinking. With all these tools and this forum which I joined just a few months ago I have finally turned the corner very recently. Unfortunately, for me, for now, I have to complete detach from the 30 yr. old who physically threatened me due to his anger issues over my stance on not helping him gas his car or provide any other assistance to him anymore. This is difficult but the alternative would be to open the doors, reconcile and in 30 seconds when he starts telling me he doesn't have clean cloths, he's starving, he needs gas, his car isn't running good etc. etc. I'd lose my mind and have to block him again because neither of them understand the word "NO". I have to know that in the short time we've not spoken that he has not miraculously gotten better and turned his life around. The less he and the younger son are in contact with me the stronger I get. I found that I could not detach, piece by piece. Meaning, I could just start with not providing food, or not providing gas...it really in my case, had to be all at once because they know how to manipulate and pull at my heart strings. I am taking this time to heal properly so that I am not so vulnerable to their tactics. Like all of mothers I hope someday it will be a healthy relationship but I'm not making any bets. Their patterns of laziness, entitlement and blaming everyone else for their poor situation has been pretty long standing. Even if they don't have a haircut for a job interview it becomes my problem. Once I relinquished all this it felt like a weight was off my shoulders. The minute I start to sink in the quicksand and circulate all those crummy thoughts, I try to push them away. I will say that for me turning this over to God was and is the only way I've gotten through this. That has been my strength. No willpower will take care of this problem. Keep posting, keep sharing, reading, praying, exercise and surround yourself with a good support system. Someone you can talk to that will listen and allow you to grow and heal and learn and not just crush you and tell you to "just stop doing what your doing". You need compassion and sometimes we have to just stop and give it to ourselves and stop beating ourselves up mentally. [/QUOTE]
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