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How do I let go?
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<blockquote data-quote="Nomad" data-source="post: 751507" data-attributes="member: 4152"><p>I was thinking of creating a similar post today, Julee. I too grieve. It's better in recent years...but I think I understand what you say when you say you "grieve." </p><p></p><p>Also...this is not your fault. I think it is VERY rare that this is the fault of anybody. It is what it is.</p><p></p><p>Busnmember... You said: "She is 33 and floundering. Badly. And she is not at all nice to us unless we are handing out money. We feel used and sad." I can totally relate to this. I don't know if there is an adoption correlation, sometimes I suspect there is, but then again...unsure. And as you mentioned, this situation seems to happen in many types of families with a variety of backgrounds.</p><p></p><p>We have been fortunate in a way, as our adult daughter lives in another city. This has allowed us a separation, that has been very helpful. We find her constant need for attention, drama, money...and her perpetual state of neediness and chaos...draining!!!!</p><p></p><p>And I loathe the fact that she is usually only nice to us if we are giving her money. Horrid. I hate this. <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite3" alt=":(" title="Frown :(" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":(" /></p><p></p><p>She is disabled as she has a mental health diagnosis. We help her a little with managing her money, as she is disabled and COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY unable to manage money to the point that it is scary.</p><p></p><p>AFter a ton of work, she is in a tiny condo in a nice area, but that didn't last long as she is arguing with folks and unappreciative. She has some legit complaints, but you can count on her to make a difficult situation hideous.</p><p></p><p>But...I can tell you it has been helpful to put boundaries all over the place. We have boundaries when she can call. She can text in an emergency situation. If it truly is an emergency (rarely) we will call back even if it isn't in the normal hours. 9 a.m. to 10 p.m. If she abuses the phone and calls ten times (this is NOT an exaggeration) we tell her that we will not answer the phone until after 5 pm and if she calls before 5 pm, we will not answer the phone until 5 pm, the next day. This usually works...not always...but usually.</p><p></p><p>She is CONSTANTLY asking for money. And at times, has created some pretty elaborate and crazy stories to get money. We have given her money electronically at 9 a.m. and she is begging for money by 11 a.m. Not forethought whatsoever. On the rare occasion, she has an legit need, we might help her. But, we have to give it a lot of thought and investigate where we can.</p><p></p><p>Bottom line...we set up boundaries. She just called and I let the phone ring. She has called too much the last day or two. I'm just not going to engage her. I'm tired and don't wish to participate in the drama trauma. And it's always drama trauma. No guilt on my part. I have a life too. I chose to set a boundary here. </p><p></p><p>As Wise Choices mentioned...I try to be polite when I speak to her. She described some hideous choice she made the other day that resulted in the HOA president getting upset. I was in shock. She felt she was in the right. OMG. NOOOOOO way was her behavior ok. I calmly (and as politely as possible) told her that her behavior, in my humble opinion, was not ok and I hope she would reconsider such behavior in the future. Then I told her I needed to get off the phone to take care of something. Often times, she gets "snippy" with me when I do that (excuse myself to get off the phone), but too bad so sad. If she is very snippy or rude or uses bad language, I will absolutely not speak with her for several days. My prerogative. There are consequences for inappropriate behaviors. I suppose I do give her a little leeway for having a mental illness. A LITTLE. I hope that is not confusing for her. BUT, if it is outrageous, noooooo way. I will not allow her to use the phone as some sort of weapon.</p><p></p><p>A few things I incorporate: 1. Boundaries 2. Meet me half way. If she is not willing to do anything on her part...so be it. No guilt on my part whatsoever when I decide not to help her out.</p><p></p><p> Just food for thought.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Nomad, post: 751507, member: 4152"] I was thinking of creating a similar post today, Julee. I too grieve. It's better in recent years...but I think I understand what you say when you say you "grieve." Also...this is not your fault. I think it is VERY rare that this is the fault of anybody. It is what it is. Busnmember... You said: "She is 33 and floundering. Badly. And she is not at all nice to us unless we are handing out money. We feel used and sad." I can totally relate to this. I don't know if there is an adoption correlation, sometimes I suspect there is, but then again...unsure. And as you mentioned, this situation seems to happen in many types of families with a variety of backgrounds. We have been fortunate in a way, as our adult daughter lives in another city. This has allowed us a separation, that has been very helpful. We find her constant need for attention, drama, money...and her perpetual state of neediness and chaos...draining!!!! And I loathe the fact that she is usually only nice to us if we are giving her money. Horrid. I hate this. :( She is disabled as she has a mental health diagnosis. We help her a little with managing her money, as she is disabled and COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY unable to manage money to the point that it is scary. AFter a ton of work, she is in a tiny condo in a nice area, but that didn't last long as she is arguing with folks and unappreciative. She has some legit complaints, but you can count on her to make a difficult situation hideous. But...I can tell you it has been helpful to put boundaries all over the place. We have boundaries when she can call. She can text in an emergency situation. If it truly is an emergency (rarely) we will call back even if it isn't in the normal hours. 9 a.m. to 10 p.m. If she abuses the phone and calls ten times (this is NOT an exaggeration) we tell her that we will not answer the phone until after 5 pm and if she calls before 5 pm, we will not answer the phone until 5 pm, the next day. This usually works...not always...but usually. She is CONSTANTLY asking for money. And at times, has created some pretty elaborate and crazy stories to get money. We have given her money electronically at 9 a.m. and she is begging for money by 11 a.m. Not forethought whatsoever. On the rare occasion, she has an legit need, we might help her. But, we have to give it a lot of thought and investigate where we can. Bottom line...we set up boundaries. She just called and I let the phone ring. She has called too much the last day or two. I'm just not going to engage her. I'm tired and don't wish to participate in the drama trauma. And it's always drama trauma. No guilt on my part. I have a life too. I chose to set a boundary here. As Wise Choices mentioned...I try to be polite when I speak to her. She described some hideous choice she made the other day that resulted in the HOA president getting upset. I was in shock. She felt she was in the right. OMG. NOOOOOO way was her behavior ok. I calmly (and as politely as possible) told her that her behavior, in my humble opinion, was not ok and I hope she would reconsider such behavior in the future. Then I told her I needed to get off the phone to take care of something. Often times, she gets "snippy" with me when I do that (excuse myself to get off the phone), but too bad so sad. If she is very snippy or rude or uses bad language, I will absolutely not speak with her for several days. My prerogative. There are consequences for inappropriate behaviors. I suppose I do give her a little leeway for having a mental illness. A LITTLE. I hope that is not confusing for her. BUT, if it is outrageous, noooooo way. I will not allow her to use the phone as some sort of weapon. A few things I incorporate: 1. Boundaries 2. Meet me half way. If she is not willing to do anything on her part...so be it. No guilt on my part whatsoever when I decide not to help her out. Just food for thought. [/QUOTE]
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