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Substance Abuse
How do parents deal with the pain?
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 677855" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Hi Tia,</p><p>This is such a hard road we are all on. I am so sorry for the pain of it.</p><p>It is difficult to see what is happening to our children, when they start to walk down this road, it is so up close and personal. It seems at first, like normal teenage rebellion, then the bottom drops out and things go haywire.</p><p>It is then, that we have all stepped back and put two and two together.</p><p>It is a nightmare, and I feel for anyone who goes through the intense pain of it.</p><p>All we want for our children is to grow up and live meaningful lives.</p><p>This does not mean there is no hope, there is always hope.</p><p>What it does mean, is that we have to learn a whole new way to respond to the choices of our d cs.</p><p></p><p>Please do not be hard on yourself and take the blame. Of course we try to "control" teenage years, <em>we are supposed</em> to put limits and boundaries on what our children can and cannot do. That is our job, as parents. You did the best job you could, under trying circumstances.</p><p>So at 16, she was charged and entered a program, that must have been a tough time for your family. Then the 3 months she was successful, must have given you folks hope that maybe her troubles were over. To have her relapse over the holidays, another unimaginable rough time of it. Especially over the holidays, when everyone wants that Norman Rockwell holiday dinner.</p><p>It is like being on an extreme emotional roller coaster ride that you didn't buy a ticket for, <em>and can't get off of</em>.</p><p>This is what is so darn confusing and hard for <em>anyone to figure out.</em> Our kids start to spin out of control and it takes a toll on <em>everyone.</em></p><p>The resulting drama and chaos is so hard to deal with.</p><p>It took awhile <em>for all of us</em> to see fully, what was going on with our kids and to even begin to know what to do about it.</p><p>This is good, I hope she will choose to go along with the intervention. Maybe she will, and maybe she won't. None of us can force our d cs to do anything they are not ready for. We have to prepare ourselves for that. I am glad you have found us. This is tough enough to deal with. Keep sharing, there is no judgement here. Just advice and more sharing from kind folks who do care, because we know how it feels to be where you are at with your daughter in this situation.We have been through it ourselves. You are not alone. Each step you take, is up to you, this is your journey.</p><p> This will be up to her sister. I hope she listens and realizes the importance of helping her sister,<em> by not helping her</em>. It probably will be difficult for her to say no, <em>this is a learning curve for everyone involved. </em>Most people don't fully understand detachment, and letting loved ones live the consequences of their choices. It takes time.</p><p> When everything hits the fan, we are forced to see or d cs addiction. It is shocking. A total shock to our hearts and heads. It sent me reeling. It felt like I had lost my adult children, but they were still here on earth. It took time and work to get to feeling like I was standing on somewhat solid ground.</p><p> It is like grieving, dear. There are many stages that I went through, feeling something terrible would happen to my two. I went from helping, to over helping, to being stolen from, taken advantage of, lied to. I was angry, sad, devastated, depressed, confused.</p><p>This was the result of years of enabling, not even realizing that by "helping", <em>I was contributing to the problem. </em></p><p>I went to a therapist, to try and get my head on straight. She listened to my story, looked me in the eye and said "You are an enabler." Oh, man, I was not ready to hear that one. It eventually sunk in.</p><p> This is not easy Tia. But, <em>you can do it</em>. It is good to get as much help as you can, posting here, reading, going to group meetings, <em>fill your toolbox</em>.</p><p>Take each day as it comes, and take baby steps.</p><p>Loving detachment has no perfect combo, or formula, it is up to you to set boundaries and limits that you are comfortable with.</p><p>Some days will be better than others.</p><p>Some days, not so good.</p><p>You can do this, Tia, we will be here to help as best we can.</p><p>Hugs and more hugs for your hurting heart.</p><p></p><p>(((HUGS)))</p><p>leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 677855, member: 19522"] Hi Tia, This is such a hard road we are all on. I am so sorry for the pain of it. It is difficult to see what is happening to our children, when they start to walk down this road, it is so up close and personal. It seems at first, like normal teenage rebellion, then the bottom drops out and things go haywire. It is then, that we have all stepped back and put two and two together. It is a nightmare, and I feel for anyone who goes through the intense pain of it. All we want for our children is to grow up and live meaningful lives. This does not mean there is no hope, there is always hope. What it does mean, is that we have to learn a whole new way to respond to the choices of our d cs. Please do not be hard on yourself and take the blame. Of course we try to "control" teenage years, [I]we are supposed[/I] to put limits and boundaries on what our children can and cannot do. That is our job, as parents. You did the best job you could, under trying circumstances. So at 16, she was charged and entered a program, that must have been a tough time for your family. Then the 3 months she was successful, must have given you folks hope that maybe her troubles were over. To have her relapse over the holidays, another unimaginable rough time of it. Especially over the holidays, when everyone wants that Norman Rockwell holiday dinner. It is like being on an extreme emotional roller coaster ride that you didn't buy a ticket for, [I]and can't get off of[/I]. This is what is so darn confusing and hard for [I]anyone to figure out.[/I] Our kids start to spin out of control and it takes a toll on [I]everyone.[/I] The resulting drama and chaos is so hard to deal with. It took awhile [I]for all of us[/I] to see fully, what was going on with our kids and to even begin to know what to do about it. This is good, I hope she will choose to go along with the intervention. Maybe she will, and maybe she won't. None of us can force our d cs to do anything they are not ready for. We have to prepare ourselves for that. I am glad you have found us. This is tough enough to deal with. Keep sharing, there is no judgement here. Just advice and more sharing from kind folks who do care, because we know how it feels to be where you are at with your daughter in this situation.We have been through it ourselves. You are not alone. Each step you take, is up to you, this is your journey. This will be up to her sister. I hope she listens and realizes the importance of helping her sister,[I] by not helping her[/I]. It probably will be difficult for her to say no, [I]this is a learning curve for everyone involved. [/I]Most people don't fully understand detachment, and letting loved ones live the consequences of their choices. It takes time. When everything hits the fan, we are forced to see or d cs addiction. It is shocking. A total shock to our hearts and heads. It sent me reeling. It felt like I had lost my adult children, but they were still here on earth. It took time and work to get to feeling like I was standing on somewhat solid ground. It is like grieving, dear. There are many stages that I went through, feeling something terrible would happen to my two. I went from helping, to over helping, to being stolen from, taken advantage of, lied to. I was angry, sad, devastated, depressed, confused. This was the result of years of enabling, not even realizing that by "helping", [I]I was contributing to the problem. [/I] I went to a therapist, to try and get my head on straight. She listened to my story, looked me in the eye and said "You are an enabler." Oh, man, I was not ready to hear that one. It eventually sunk in. This is not easy Tia. But, [I]you can do it[/I]. It is good to get as much help as you can, posting here, reading, going to group meetings, [I]fill your toolbox[/I]. Take each day as it comes, and take baby steps. Loving detachment has no perfect combo, or formula, it is up to you to set boundaries and limits that you are comfortable with. Some days will be better than others. Some days, not so good. You can do this, Tia, we will be here to help as best we can. Hugs and more hugs for your hurting heart. (((HUGS))) leafy [/QUOTE]
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