How do they do it?????????????????

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by dashcat, Aug 23, 2012.

  1. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    difficult child has her co-dependent friend, S, over. S is a mess. I'm pretty sure she's an alcoholic, complete drama queen, a train wreck. BUTTTTTTT, she has a job and parents with money. Here's the co-dependent contract: She pays for things. difficult child listens to her nonsense. She pays for more things. difficult child stays up all night on FB messaging her to "stop her from killing herself". She pays. difficult child goes places with her..

    difficult child has been without a cell phone for a month. She was on the ex-boyfriend's plan and was totally floored when he he cut her phone off. (she had no job, in addition to being an ex girlfriend,s o she wasn't paying). THE NERVE!!! Anyway, I refused to bail her out and - shock of shock - so did DEX. Her phone still dials 911 and enough people have phones she could reach us in an emergency.

    She just strolls upstairs with .....A PHONE! S has given it to her. It's an older one but she freaking had it activiated. Unlimited texting but, sadly, not very many voice minutes.

    If difficult child's put the skills they use in getting what they want to work for the greater good, they could rule the world.

    I am flabbergasted.

  2. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    They are very adept at getting what they want. If u were to put her out, she would survive.
  3. Bean

    Bean Member

    Could you imagine?!

    If only mine would put all that energy into a 60 hour a week job (about how much time she spends scheming, lying, trying to get what she wants).
  4. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Ahh it sounds SO familiar. Yup, they figure out ways to get what THEY want, when THEY want it. That's why frequently the only way to get them to do things, is to give them no other choice but to take care of themselves. They almost always figure something out when they have to.
  5. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    I agree with you - it is INFURIATING that these kids can manipulate their way into "free" stuff and endless opportunities. But I think they are also working with a different set of rules than you and I and most other people have.

    This is not meant to make you feel badly in the least...I just wanted to share because I feel as if I know exactly where you are coming from.

    We, Moms, want SO BADLY for our children to do well. And we really don't want to fight all the time or create ugliness by nagging or anything - so we bite our tongues and put on a happy face and wait patiently for our children to have a realization. And we KNOW that once they have that realization - they will do the right thing and they will be all right. So we set up situations to help them figure it out. We say things like - "Gee, there's a big sale coming up over Labor Day Weekend. Do you have any shopping money? We could go to the mall." or "You know, if you had your own _______, you wouldn't need to use mine." And we think that our kids will pick up on these hints and *ding* the lightbulb will come on and they will think - Wow! If I had a job, I could do x, y, and z! But it doesn't we keep waiting.

    And then every time they go out and get themselves something without working for it or earning it or being responsible in any way - it feels like we've been banging our head into a brick wall this whole time. And in a way....we have been. We've been hurting ourselves trying to help our kids.

    I finally figured out that the things *I* was doing, (and saying and hinting) were not even a blip on my daughter's radar. My concerns and feelings had absolutely no relevance to her. If she were to write an entire book about her life - I *might* be mentioned in a footnote somewhere, if I was lucky. I sure wouldn't get a whole Chapter about "What My Mother has Done for Me".

    And once I realized that, it was easier for me to put aside some of my feelings (I say some because don't get me wrong, it still makes me hurt and crazy and angry) and see difficult child on her own terms. I don't agree with a lot - but at least I can look at it a little more objectively and a little less emotionally-vested.

    And this makes it easier for me to give difficult child advice that is more aligned with the way that she views the world and less upset about some of the typical difficult child-solutions to everyday problems.

  6. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    You are right. I'm in the process of a slow dawning with this very concept right now with my difficult child. I'm really learning that I have to take myself (meaning how I would handle any given situation) out of the equation and to realize that she looks at/goes about things/ quite differently say the least.

    There's an expressionthat is bandied about on a board I used to frequent for people dealing with infidelity: broken attracts broken. This is certainly the case with our difficult children and their friends. S is more than happy to provide difficult child with a cell phone in exchange for a little enabling. difficult child is more than happy to stay mired in a dramatic, crazy friendship in exhange for a phone, admission to a club and trips to sonic. It works for them.

  7. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    It's sad and with my difficult child just turning 34 I don't try to figure him out anymore. All of his relationships turn sour fast and all are ultimate difficult child drama queens.

    My blessing is that he has no children. I have been told I was selfish for saying that BUT they are not walking in my shoes.

    My hubby says they just think differently than we do, and I try to remind myself. But the part that I can never wrap my head around is the lies and the conns to get money. He does work but spends it just as fast as he earns it with nothing to show for it.

    Have a good weekend everyone!
  8. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    They each fill each other's needs for now.

    Sad that the friend feels the need to "buy friends"......and that is exactly what she is doing, subconsciously or not.

    Sad that difficult child is so dependent on others that she needs to hook up with someone like that.

    Nichole had a friend that felt the need to buy friendship, and yes, she was a difficult child drama queen to the max and still is. I think it only took Nichole a month or so to get sick of it. The friend always buy or actually buying her stuff made her uncomfortable.....the drama and juvenile behavior of the same friend nearly drove Nichole to strangling her. lol

    difficult children usually find ways to survive when forced to. If only they could learn to put those skills to better use.........