How do you avoid questions about Difficult Child?

[Kathy813]

I am open about it with people I know well. I used to hide my daughter's problems but found it was very freeing to be open about her situation. To my surprise, almost everyone that I told immediately starting telling me about their son, daughter, sibling, or parent that also struggled with mental illness/substance abuse. I think many people hold it in which isn't healthy and they are glad to have a chance to talk about it.

With people that are just acquaintances or business associates, I just make a joke like "my daughter is finding herself and if she doesn't do it soon it is going to kill me." Then I laugh and change the subject.

Kathy

 

[ColleenB]

So I haven't called my son, and according to the last convo my husband had with him he has lost his phone again.

I made the mistake of checking his email again this am.... Two transactions this weekend of money... Looks like he is dealing still.

I'm thinking of not even calling his land line to check on him. I think I would say something mean, or just get into an argument. I'm so disappointed in him, so mad right now still.

I've been adding up the money I wasted on him just since Xmas, and it's staggering... Tuition, drug dealer payoff (almost 3000) parking tickets, car repairs, money, clothes, the list goes on.... I'm just sick. We are trying to pay some debt off and I think about how much of it is him... Makes me mad.

I think it took this long for me to get mad. And now that i am I don't want to become bitter. I want to love him but not let him take advantage of us anymore.

It's not easy. I miss my sweet boy. We were so close and I miss his presence. It really makes me cry when I think about him. I just am trying to keep busy.

 

[Gershbunny]

My few friends, know the situation, when they ask and it is a particularly hard time, I answer with "don't ask" when I am able to talk about it with out breaking down I tell them.The shame is the worst part.

 

[ColleenB]

You are right, the shame is the worst part....

 

[so ready to live]

Hi Collean. We all need to jump off the shame train, don't we?
We were with friends this wkend who do not have children but have always loved ours well. In explaining a funny story of how hubby accidently washed my purse (yes, in the machine), my friend asked how it got in the laundry hamper. I had to briefly explain that we thought Difficult Child might be coming over and I always hide my purse. Seemed like the most natural thing to me. Then I spent about 20 min. privately thinking about what their conversation would be on the way home about how they had no idea it was this bad. We have only ever said to them that he's alcoholic and wasting his life. We all know that some people can't possibly understand our chaos or don't want to hear our story.
.
Shame by definition: a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior.

Who's wrong or foolish behavior was this all?
Yes, I'm humiliated and distressed due to current and past actions of my son. I have a long memory.
But, I know that my behavior has not been wrong or foolish. Unless you can count enabling....done out of warped love and my need to control. That fits. But to feel shame over what is totally out of my control?
It's like feeling shame over famine, mass shootings, homelessness.
Or, more like feeling shame that the sun came up today and shined so hot, a plant was scorched and died. No control, no control, no control.
Love yourself today-shame is a feeling, feel it, but get over it. Make it momentary pain, don't let it define you. Your story is so much more than that.

After I wasted 20 min thinking about our friends' response, it was somewhat freeing to feel I had finally let them in a little on how bad it has been.
We know a little about how bad it's been for you...feel good about letting us in...you are a good mom in a bad situation that you have no control over. Prayers.

 

[ColleenB]

I'm sitting at the airport waiting to board a flight to my sisters.

It was the last time I was visiting that I posted my first post in this board. It was Xmas time and I just found out son was dealing. I was so devestated I couldn't stop crying even in the airport. The memory of that week is seared in my brain forever, the pain, the shame, the fear....

How different this time. I'm not staying his situation is all that much better, but mine is. He no longer lives with us, we have taken the car, and are giving no financial support or tuition. I think our relationship has actually slightly improved.

I feel more sane most days. I still feel sad and ashamed but it isn't crippling. I am trying so hard to be me, and not just his mom.

When I get home in ten days younger son will have moved out too, for university. It will be just my husband and I. Will it be lonely? I hope not, I hope this is our time to connect and be good to each other, we sure do deserve it.

 

[RN0441]

Colleen

I think you will love being empty nesters!! We are loving it so much and have been able to reconnect as husband and wife which is what we both needed so much. I feel so much happier than I have in many years. We sometimes cry for our son but then we pull ourselves together and move forward in the hopes that he will too.

Hugs and be good to yourself on this trip!

 

[RN0441]

So I haven't called my son, and according to the last convo my husband had with him he has lost his phone again.

I made the mistake of checking his email again this am.... Two transactions this weekend of money... Looks like he is dealing still.

I'm thinking of not even calling his land line to check on him. I think I would say something mean, or just get into an argument. I'm so disappointed in him, so mad right now still.

I've been adding up the money I wasted on him just since Xmas, and it's staggering... Tuition, drug dealer payoff (almost 3000) parking tickets, car repairs, money, clothes, the list goes on.... I'm just sick. We are trying to pay some debt off and I think about how much of it is him... Makes me mad.

I think it took this long for me to get mad. And now that i am I don't want to become bitter. I want to love him but not let him take advantage of us anymore.

It's not easy. I miss my sweet boy. We were so close and I miss his presence. It really makes me cry when I think about him. I just am trying to keep busy.

My therapist told me last week that I am in mourning for my son. For our relationship that is so damaged. If you think about all the stages of mourning, she is right. I am very angry too right now. We are also paying off hospital bills from when he was high and went to the ER (probably for more pills). Also a $600 ambulance bill from Florida when he overdosed and that is just what we are paying now.

We have paid thousands. Guess what? He's still the same.

My son is not ready to change yet. I will know when he is like others here have said. I'm waiting for that.

 

[ColleenB]

Some days I think it will happen, he will find his way, but more often I think he will never be ok... We will always have this stress and he will never really find peace. It makes my heart stop when I really think about it.

I'm trying not to. Being stuck in airports with delayed and cancelled flights isn't helping! Going into hour fourteen of my journey We should be boarding soon and hopefully I get there in the next few hours.... I'm tired!

 

[RN0441]

Colleen:

I find it's best for me to try to not get too happy (if I think I see progress) or too sad (if I know there isn't any progress). I try to remain neutral and am working on finding peace for ME. I can't find his peace for him. He has to.

Hugs and hope you have a restful vacation with your sister.

 

[mof]

Colleen,

Enjoy the pleasures life can give us. You deserve it.

Safe travels,
Mof

 

[ColleenB]

Thanks.... I'm here now, we have been busy, but it's great. Lots of hugs and kisses from my sweet nieces and nephew. Nothing like young kids to soothe a hurting heart.

I was looking through an album of theirs from a trip we all did to Disney the year my oldest was in grade twelve. It hurt my heart to see how healthy he was, how sweet.

It was six months after that trip that things starting changing.

Do I wish I knew then what I know now? In some ways.... But would it make any difference? Probably not.

I feel like that was longer than four years ago, it honestly feels like ten years...

I am trying to even remember who I was then, full of optimism for my boys future, for university, for life.

Now I just pray he finds honest work, and can support himself, I have no big dreams. I just want him to be alive and not using or selling drugs.... How things have changed since that innocent trip to Disney.... Sigh....