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How do you "Detatch"?
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<blockquote data-quote="Tanya M" data-source="post: 660493" data-attributes="member: 18516"><p>Welcome Joe Mama, I'm sorry you are going through this difficult time. You have found a good place to find support and advice.</p><p></p><p>Regardless of whether we have a good or bad relationship we have to let our adult children live their own lives. When our children live in a responsible manner, life is good but when they start behaving in ways that make us take pause we can become obsessed with going into "rescue mode"</p><p></p><p>For many of us here like myself, our adult children have been "difficult" since their teens.</p><p>It must be very painful for you to have had a good relationship with her and now to be fighting.</p><p></p><p>Detaching is not something that happens overnight, it takes time. Start with limiting contact. Does she call you daily? If so, you don't need to answer every time she calls, let it go to voice mail. For myself I only communicate with my son via private messages on Facebook. Detachment is accepting that your adult child is going to live a life that you don't approve of and there is nothing you can do to change it. It is what it is.</p><p></p><p>You need to make sure you are doing good things for yourself. As I said before, it's easy to become obsessed with our adult children and allow ourselves to get caught up in their chaos. It's like we've been sucked into some kind of vortex. We can get to where all our time, energy and sometimes money is going to our adult child and we stop living our own lives. An important part of detachment is taking your own life back.</p><p></p><p>You say you have a couple of grandkids. Detachment can be a little harder when there are grands involved. How old are your grandkids and do you have a good relationship with them? Sometimes when a parent starts to detach and pull back from their adult child they will try and use the grandkids as a pawn. They might say something like "if you want to see the kids then you better give me money" or some other type of "blackmail"</p><p></p><p>Something that works well when detaching is having prepared statements to use. For myself, when my son will try and "guilt" me into helping him I keep my responses simple and short.</p><p>Son: Mom, it's freezing out I have no where to go and I'm going to starve to death.</p><p>Me: I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time. I'm sure you will be able to figure it out. I love you.</p><p>Son: You don't care if I live or die.</p><p>Me: I'm sorry you feel that way. I love you.</p><p>Son: You are such a *&%#!!!</p><p>Me: I have to go now. I love you. (then I hang up)</p><p></p><p>I have learned over the years that if I allow him to draw me into a debate I will be left feeling completely depleted and confused. I will no longer allow my son to hold my emotions hostage.</p><p></p><p>I hope you will keep posting. This is a great place to vent your frustrations and concerns and no one will judge you.</p><p></p><p>I wish you well.</p><p></p><p>((HUGS)) to you...........................</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Tanya M, post: 660493, member: 18516"] Welcome Joe Mama, I'm sorry you are going through this difficult time. You have found a good place to find support and advice. Regardless of whether we have a good or bad relationship we have to let our adult children live their own lives. When our children live in a responsible manner, life is good but when they start behaving in ways that make us take pause we can become obsessed with going into "rescue mode" For many of us here like myself, our adult children have been "difficult" since their teens. It must be very painful for you to have had a good relationship with her and now to be fighting. Detaching is not something that happens overnight, it takes time. Start with limiting contact. Does she call you daily? If so, you don't need to answer every time she calls, let it go to voice mail. For myself I only communicate with my son via private messages on Facebook. Detachment is accepting that your adult child is going to live a life that you don't approve of and there is nothing you can do to change it. It is what it is. You need to make sure you are doing good things for yourself. As I said before, it's easy to become obsessed with our adult children and allow ourselves to get caught up in their chaos. It's like we've been sucked into some kind of vortex. We can get to where all our time, energy and sometimes money is going to our adult child and we stop living our own lives. An important part of detachment is taking your own life back. You say you have a couple of grandkids. Detachment can be a little harder when there are grands involved. How old are your grandkids and do you have a good relationship with them? Sometimes when a parent starts to detach and pull back from their adult child they will try and use the grandkids as a pawn. They might say something like "if you want to see the kids then you better give me money" or some other type of "blackmail" Something that works well when detaching is having prepared statements to use. For myself, when my son will try and "guilt" me into helping him I keep my responses simple and short. Son: Mom, it's freezing out I have no where to go and I'm going to starve to death. Me: I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time. I'm sure you will be able to figure it out. I love you. Son: You don't care if I live or die. Me: I'm sorry you feel that way. I love you. Son: You are such a *&%#!!! Me: I have to go now. I love you. (then I hang up) I have learned over the years that if I allow him to draw me into a debate I will be left feeling completely depleted and confused. I will no longer allow my son to hold my emotions hostage. I hope you will keep posting. This is a great place to vent your frustrations and concerns and no one will judge you. I wish you well. ((HUGS)) to you........................... [/QUOTE]
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