How Do You Get Your Kids To Tell You Whats Wrong?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Confused, Oct 23, 2014.

  1. Confused

    Confused Active Member

    My daughter will not tell us whats wrong with her, why she doesnt want to go to school. It started with shes sick now tired ( tired cuz shes staying up too late) I have brought up to her its either someone on the computer or she hates her school because of teachers, kids or homework.. She tells me to shutup and excepts us to just let her so as she pleases. No Drugs( she never leaves the house with out us, looked in her school bag,pockets etc nothing and we dont have alcohol in the home)She wasnt this bad until the new school.. yes, we have talked to the school counselor,principal and few teachers already. Reg pediatrician is soon for her. Her braces are bothering her to the point she complains all the time( shes over sensitive)

    How do you get them to talk to you? I tell her calmly and loving when all is calm how we love her and want to help her, she can tell us anything, gave her other people to talk to non family etc, I tell and show her/both of them how much I love them.

    When theres a big blowout like this morning I told her what is it? Renamed everything and told her shes going to the E.R because I cant take this anymore and she needs help....
  2. Confused

    Confused Active Member

    **expects sorry
  3. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    "possibility" of anxiety? that bugs me. Anxiety is there, or not, whether or not there are other dxes. And where there is anxiety, there is often depression. She's a teenager, I'm guessing new school is high school? In that case... school is probably toxic. Not THAT school in particular - I don't think it would matter what school. Teenagers are the most cruel people I know, and high school is full of them... and even the teachers support that "normal teenager" approach to life. There is no room for those who are different. JMO, of course, but... my two? we've ended up doing 100% on-line schooling - taken out the "peer interaction in a school setting" part of the equation. WAY less anxiety, for starters.
  4. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Getting them to talk to you is difficult depending on the child. I have one who worries things to death and drives me crazy talking about everything. The other one it is like pulling teeth and even then you don't know if you get anything real and truthful. The best I can tell you is to keep offering her calm and healthy ways to share and then be greatful when she does.

    As for the computer and tech issues you can monitor those through some simple programs. Unfortunately that may be the best way to find out things. Just be careful in how you approach them.
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    She may not know exactly what is wrong. Or it could be embarassing to her, such as her being badly bullied. A lot of kids won't tell their parents that. I think she'd be good in an online homeschool too. If they had had that option back in the day, I would have had no problem letting 36 do online schooling. He hated school too and did everything he could to go the absolute minimum he had to go to graduate. They have schools with teachers and everything you need nowadays. You don't have to be the teacher. If she is afraid of school to the degree that she is, she won't do much learning there anyway. She'll be too freaked out.
  6. Confused

    Confused Active Member

    InsaneCdn- I know the possibility thing uggh! You all mentioned Asbergers, NEVER her doctors, NEVER her schools, they said extremely shy and later on anxiety. So I will bring it up again to her Dr to get further tested,I agreed not to get further testing UNLESS she started having problems.Well, she is now. Your right, new kids, new school, they didnt grow up with her like her old friends did. Add high schooler I know :( The teachers said yesterday they are going to fail her because she wont participate in the labs and class groups. They all want her tested now...

    dstc_99- It depends what it is with her. School she really doesnt say anything, just all of sudden doesnt want to go which is odd because HER dreams of Honor Society, Student Council, Art, Clubs, etc that SHE wanted are out the window. Her braces or shots she can complain 24 hrs a day! Her dad had that tracker on and she new it, she refused to use the computer, gave it back and refuses to speak with him in over 2 years! She figured it out cuz it would block her from certain sites, even google and it showed the tracker info

    MidwestMom- I agree, I think she is embarrassed because she knows she is different then the other kids, quite wise anyway. She claims she has friends there but if she did I dont feel she would be this bad off. Her report card- if she actually stayed off the computer and did a little studying everyday each subject shes failing, she would have A & Bs again. Shes even failing Art, Art is or at least was her best and favorite subject.

    ***Heres the thing. I know I didnt go to High school all started 4th grade because of a teacher up till then loved school :) Anyways trouble no matter where I went and when my friends left the school I dropped out. Never went to High school and went to college and struggled so bad I regret not going to high school. I still cant do 8th/9th grade math and up.. .. when I was home, I still didnt want to study! I didnt have my daughters possible issue of aspie

    ** I know for a fact my daughter will only get worse socially if she stays at home being home schooled, she wanting out less and less now as is. She will have no one home with her daily and will be on the internet ALL day, she refuses tutors have had a few now she WILL NOT work with them, will not look at them, will not pay attention, will not answer them. She has a great "fear" of them, same as appts. She wont do her homework either, even if I get the internet shut off , all cable shut off, I just know she wont. Also I feel she wont go to College if I keep her home, she will fall deeper in her shell, she wont get a job etc. Im so shocked and feel as if I was hit by a train, I had hope for BOTH my kids to make it, but honestly really believed daughter had more of a chance because she had more will to, she has no violence like my son. She claims she will do the work, I promise you , she wont.

    ***Add she told us this morning she is going to starve herself if we dont pull her out early today and wont get up in the mornings AND she didnt take her lunch and she said she wont do her h.w. She also is saying this because I took away all her electronics this morning- oh add she says this when she wants fast food and we say no.
  7. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    She will only go on a hunger strike for so long. If she refuses to eat for long enough then take her to the doctor. As for the grades they are hers if she choses not to do her work then she choses not to get the grades.

    Right now she has all the control. She is telling you what she will do. It's time to put your foot down and say fine you can starve today and see how you feel but you are going to school. If you have to call the police or school to get her there then do it.

    Or you homeschool and deal with the lack of socialization.
  8. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    For the non-typical kid, school does not include any form of positive socialization (at least in our experience). Positive socialization can be developed in other areas of life, with other ages of people. When school presents 100% negative socialization, it's worse than no socialization, in my opinion.

    We were really concerned about the "socialization" aspect... I wish we'd switched to on-line/home schooling years ago. School wasn't worth it.
  9. Confused

    Confused Active Member

    Insane, also a good point. But lets say I home school her, shes already not wanting study,to go places, not wanting a tutor/teacher/ My dad and I cant do the math, chemistry etc, then what comes next after that? How will she adjust to College or a job then? I know it ruined me not going to high school. Of course I feared and hated school and was happy I was home. But as an adult its made my life a living he$$ not having high school. High school is horrible on the one side of the socialization when you feel or dont fit in,. I get it. But at the same time, what will prepare her for College? Theres only so many online College course you can take and the rest must be done in a school setting/lab area. Will my child ever be able to handle college? A job? Life?

    My son I wonder too, although I know he will want to copy his sister and be home schooled, NO WAY!!!!!! Also, my daughter wanted to get her license and work at 16, if she homeschools, I dont plan on allowing this. I feel she has to be mentally ready to do so, staying home because of social issues/anxiety will not be safe for her to drive or work. Even when she used to Volunteer she would not talk to people. I don't know Im so lost. A public school will eat her alive, but if she leaves this school , theres no more privete school options. The school will not take her back either. Im sorry Im sick to my stomach, so confused, I just flat out feel sick.
  10. Confused

    Confused Active Member

    I know dstc, I see your point and I wonder how long she will hold out on food. Her school doesnt get her and the police her dont deal with that, only truant officers with the public school.
  11. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    If she IS an Aspie? the biggest thing she needs is TIME. She will be intellectually ahead in some areas... and emotionally behind, often significantly. Somehow, Aspies (and some other difficult child kids...) close some of that gap by the time they turn 25. Yikes. I know. 10 more years (me too...).

    What kind of volunteer work was she doing? What kinds of things does she find interesting?
  12. confuzzled

    confuzzled Member

    isn't she now in a public school or do I have you confused with someone else?

    if she is, and now the teachers are requesting testing....

    what are you waiting for? start the school testing and worry about a medical diagnosis as your appointments come up...clearly even the school is identifying a need, so there shouldn't be much of a stretch to begin the process.

    something is impacting her education and it would be worth figuring out what it is.

    as for your question, she may not actually know. I try not to ask (important) open ended questions where a one word answer suffices....i'd start every day with a different class and ask elaborate questions about it---like, "hey, in science today did you do labs or did the teacher lecture? oh, lab?? how was your group...did you all work well or did one person get stuck doing everything?? oh, you did owls and mice? do you need graph paper for that lab...yada, yada, yada....(pause in between for actual answers, lol).

    but how was science? will pretty much get you "fine".

    i'd keep teasing info out of her until the story comes out....if its a specific school issue eventually it will tumble out of her.

    in my experience, what doesn't work is threatening. or pressuring.

    i'd also be in touch with the guidance dept and ask her counsellor to check in regularly with her--maybe every week, maybe every day. sometimes an impartial person can get more insight into a teenager than a mom can.

    but breathe. worry about today--not 4 years from now. even typical kids at this age have issues.
  13. Confused

    Confused Active Member

    confuzzled- No, your right, she was suppose to go last time this issue came up but really had a fit and refused. I even started registration there. The private school wont set it up, its different from public. We go on our own to do it. I told her if shes fine we wont but now shes not so we are going to test her.She has a pediatrician appointment so I will get a referral from her Dr.

    She gets so mad at us when we ask her questions even just to make her conversations. But hopefully your right, it will come out whats up. Hopefully sooner then later. Your right, I have been pushy but I have tried being her mom, her bestie, casual, its been a little too long now. So, thats why I got pushy. I know, all kids have had some sort of issues ( teenage stuff) I just dont want to make the wrong decision of either keeping her home or making her go to school. Thank you
  14. Confused

    Confused Active Member

    Oh Insane-She used to volunteer at a thrift store but they ( older women and a man) kept commenting on how quite and shy she was, how she looked a year younger then she was etc and even though I asked them not to say that, she felt uncomfortable wouldnt go back. Also she used to volunteer at the animal shelter but quit .. I have that story here why somewhere floating in the millions of vents and questions I have. She used to love shopping and going to the movies, pizza game places, etc ( never talked but still) but she wont go any more.)
  15. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    I completely agree that public school has mostly negatives to provide.

    I honestly don't think homeschool can hurt at this point. If you have a local coop they often have events and socialization.

    Getting her evaluated is a wonderful idea. Try explaining it to her like this.....
    If you had a stomach ache that kept you home sick I would take you to the doctor. That stomach ache could be a something easy to fix or something else. I would be stupid not to make sure my child was ok. Your issues with school are the same they just don't include a stomach ache.
  16. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Ps she's a teen or preteen girl so don't expect her to agree easily.
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  17. Confused

    Confused Active Member

    But home school is a problem as well,she wont due her work as is or see a tutor as is. Now shes not going again- left, dad called told me hes coming home with her I have now grounded her no electronics for 2 weeks maybe up to 30 days, yes 30 days. To long? No, Im thinking its going to be a REHAB for her, her electronics are her drug it seems and shes done. I cant watch her with all this while Im gone, so Im going to have cable shut off. Its the only way. I mean, she will have local channels and her movies on DVD but thats it. She claims shes sick- shes not. 6 out of 10 days, we are pulling her out I dont know where she can go.

    I did think about homeschooling... but again, no one will be home with her and at this point I have lost all trust in her to stay home alone. Again she will not work with tutors/teacher even friends. Friends? Only online she speaks she refuses to go hang out with them as I have tried over and over to get her to spend the night with a friend, go to the movies, park, their house , store out to eat etc with them.

    Im so scared for her. Her Dr appointment is this week with reg pediatrician. But I don't know if Im going to wait. She is done with her school, over to Public is all I can do for now, when shes truant she will get that wonderful experience of them forcibly dragging her and strapping her into the seat dragging her in the school. She will be traumatized and she thinks her life is bad now? She doesnt believe me how the new school will be , the courts we will have to show up at, she didnt want to be "labeled" guess what? Now she will be.
  18. Confused

    Confused Active Member

    well she did come back home in the car said shes not going to the hospital/dr and I let go. I told her she is grounded, she is going to get mentally tested she does have asbergers or similar, she thinks public is better? I told her what they will do. But psychiatric ward first.Also I told her she is not mature or well enough to stay home even during the day alone anymore she will require a babysitter or go with us. I refuse to get arrested because she wont go to school but yet no one can be with her all the time for home school. Mentally she has reversed.. I can see her future as no job, no school ever again she will become worse and worse.. She now has lost all the tuition money and school money my grandpa has left her. All she can say over and over is Shutup and I hate you.

    Of course to my son rarely calls me mom,95% its always hey bi%^& or hey dumbo or hey stupid, etc. to end our lives ( it was the ki** word but it censored thank goodness sorry all) all he says. He very rarely listens would not let me put the patch on or take morning medications and when I do get the patch on while hes asleep he will rip it off anyways if he doesn't want it on. He physically got out of the car when they left this morning and started hitting his sister ans she hit back all because she was 30 seconds late getting in the car. Also he kept opening the door while dad tried to drive ( son used to do that but quit now i see started again) because she was eating in the car. ( but he can)

    Sometimes I think how my life is its a made up horror show from hollywood.. that I cant even believe some of the stuff that goes on and whats said. I have some on recorder and when I look at it I think: if i didnt have this proof ( which isnt even half of what goes on) i wouldnt believe it myself.
  19. Confused

    Confused Active Member

    sorry about the cuss words.. i do know better.. thanks for the automatic sensor!!
  20. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Hugs. I know how hard it is with TWO of them. Yes, they have to be labeled, or they will get worse labels - ones that are not accurate but which will stick for life. They have issues and challenges. No diagnosis = no help anywhere, usually. (even with diagnosis, hard to get help!)