Bran, you said it very well. As parents we tend to assume a controlling position almost instinctively, but for some kids that can make them worse. Their lives are so difficult anyway, feeling as if everybody else is in control of their lives and not them, that any control they can LEGITIMATELY have can reduce their resentment and stress, making it easier for them to cope when they DO have to toe the line.
I often use the analogy of treating the child as you would a flatmate, or housemate, someone you are friends with but not necessarily related to. With your kid (or maybe your sister) you might deal with a problem differently.
"Sis! You did it again, you left your undies soaking in the bathroom sink! That is so gross! Now get in here and clean it up! I've got to get ready for work!"
Compare that to "Janette, are these your undies in the sink? Could you possibly do that in the laundry in future? Maybe if we put a bucket in there for the purpose, it might help. That way you can just throw the lot into the washing machine when the undies have soaked long enough, it gets all the washing done in the same room. What do you think?"
Sometimes we need a template to help us (or help our recalcitrant partners!). It's hard to change our behaviour when we don't have a clear idea of what to change it TO.
Like your husband, mine also was a strong authority figure. We also have done our best to avoid undermining each other in front of the kids. So if we are out shopping, for example, and a kid says, "Can I have an ice cream?" and one or other of us snaps, "No, you can't!" the other will NOT say within earshot, "What harm can it do? I was about to say that an ice cream was a good idea, the kids have been good and earned a treat."
The trouble is, the snapped, "No, you can't!" is an automatic response, especially when we're feeling tired and frazzled. To respond unthinking like that actually undermines THE OTHER parent, because ANY such strong, immediate response immediately prevents any discussion, any possible consideration that a different opinion might exist. But THAT is a separate issue.
It's vital that even if you disagree, you do not publicly undermine your partner.
It IS OK to take your partner aside and quietly discuss the issue (if it's important enough). Then any change of direction should come from the person who said no, otherwise it looks like they have been undermined.
"On second thoughts, I think an ice cream is a good idea. Mummy thinks so too as well. But only a small one, you still need to eat your dinner this evening."
I found that even while reading "The Explosive Child" I could see difficult child 3's behaviour improving - for me. To a small extent this helped for husband as well, but as soon as he tried to control him or snapped at him as had become almost second nature for both of us, husband became an even stronger target for difficult child 3's hostility.
husband was willing, he was wanting to modify his techniques, but he just couldn't "get into" the book. I guess the easiest way of describing it is, his mind would "glaze over".
So I did my best to explain it to him. I also wrote a sort of book review, like a summary of the technique. This wasn't just for husband, it was for the other kids as well, plus teachers. I couldn't count on them all taking the time or making the effort to read the book.
Then I found that by taking the time to do this, I had developed my own grasp of the book even further. I'd had to really study the book in order to be able to accurately explain the techniques. So it helped me even more.
A good thing - because the more automatic you can be in your responses, the better your progress will be.
With your husband I suggest you sit him down and explain that you have been told of a new technique which has been developed by someone experienced and qualified in working with difficult, impulsive children and has also been tested in the field with generally very positive results. It is not a cure, merely a different way of approaching discipline and communication with your child(ren). It can be used on PCs as well as difficult children.
The underlying disorder will still exist, but the more you can reduce the stress and other problems, the easier life becomes for all concerned.
A great deal will depend on you and husband sitting down quietly and working on lists. First, observation of the child over time should help you draw up a list of triggers. What sets off the bad behaviour? what upsets him? What are the early warning signs? What, if anything, can we use to de-fuse a developing problem before it explodes?
Next step - what behaviours do we want to work on as a priority?
The aim is to put it into one of three baskets (note - I believe the newer editions do not refer to baskets. Well, the one I read did, so just put up with me!).
Basket A - for all the behaviours you will do ANYTHING to change, even if it will provoke a meltdown.
Basket B - behaviours you want to work on as a priority, but you will back off from a meltdown if you see signs developing.
Basket C - the "too hard" basket, we're not even going to go there. yet. Maybe some time in the future, something can be moved from Basket C to Basket B.
When parents first put together a list of what MUST be dealt with, it's often far too big a list. You keep it brief, you keep it simple. Easier for the child to remember, easier for you to remember. When you're training a puppy, you work on one skill at a time. You do not try to teach the dog to sit, play dead, roll over, fetch, shake hands and bring in the paper from scratch all at the same time. You will end up teaching nothing and confusing the dog if you try. Instead - one skill at a time, at least to a stage where you can keep practising what has been learned while you begin to learn another skill. And if the creature cannot respond as expected (does not seem able to understand, or learn that skill just yet) you drop it and try a different one for now.
It's the same with kids. With people, really.
So, by the time you have finished you should have -
Basket A - the only things in here should be immediate safety and school attendance. In other words, if you see your kid about to dash out onto the road in front of a truck you WILL grab the child even if you know it will provoke a meltdown. Better a meltdown than a collision. But if your kid is swearing at you and storming off in a rage, this is NOT a Basket A problem.
Basket B - your choice, but keep it to no more than about three or four. For example, you might decide that keeping a tidy bedroom comes in here (your choice - we STILL have that as Basket C). Or eating meals using cutlery instead of hands would be a Basket B issue. So at meal time you would remind, gently correct but back off if he begins to get worked up.
Over time you find ways to make it work and avoid the meltdown. And surprisingly, the child generally picks up that your aim is to help him stay calm. But you will still try to modify his behaviour, within that frame.
Kids come to appreciate this, as a rule. They don't like raging either. And you find your relationship changing, as you respond to one another differently. Adversarial communication reduces and conversation comes back in.
I'll give you an example from our (home) school day.
difficult child: I hate doing English! I just can't work out what this teacher wants me to do! [throws book across the room].
My bad response: You get back here and pick that up NOW! You have to do your English, it is a compulsory subject. Stop trying to pick a fight just to get out of work!
A better way now happens.
difficult child: I hate doing English! I just can't work out what this teacher wants me to do! [throws book across the room].
My good response: Go get it for me and let me see. Because if I can't work it out either, then maybe something is wrong. We can always ring the teacher and ask her to explain it to us.
Another good response: I'm sorry you're finding it difficult today. Go get it and put it away for now, pick another subject to do for an hour, then after that we can both look at the English work and see if it makes any more sense.
Can you see the difference? And by the way, the possible good responses also got him to pick up what he had thrown. But the problem wasn't the temper tantrum that had him throw the work - the problems was, He was having trouble concentrating and finding the work frustrating. His response to frustration was immature, but that immaturity cannot be fixed with discipline. All we can do is model and teach better ways of expressing that frustration.
While talking about difficult child 3's schoolwork, let me point out a BIG advantage we've found to using "The Explosive Child" methods on difficult child 3. Because he's had much more control handed to him, he has learned to make better decisions. He gets practice. With his schoolwork he can choose what subject to work on when he wants to. But the work never goes away, until it's completed. Plus it's numbered. So if he only does his favourite Maths & Science until he's done up to no 24 in each, but still is stuck back at no 15 in English, then he has to work out for himself that he needs to put his favourites aside for a while and catch up on the other stuff. He's learned to do this for himself and to plan his weeks. So if we're having a busy distracting day (tradesman in the house for example, or we're planning to go shopping) then difficult child 3 chooses his better subjects. But if he knows it's going to be a quiet, undisturbed day, he will choose his more difficult subjects to work on because he knows he does better with fewer distractions.
Another example from just a few minutes ago -
difficult child 3: It's late, I'm tired, it's cold, I think I'll pass on a shower tonight.
Me: That's your choice. But if you skip tonight, you MUST shower tomorrow or you will be really stinky. And tomorrow night will be even colder than tonight.
difficult child 3: Hmm. Then I think I will shower tonight after all.
He made the choice. But remember, this is after we have used "The Explosive Child" for a couple of years now, he feels safe discussing this sort of thing because he feels confident that I'm not going to shout at him for suggesting he skip his shower.
Again - it's the same response you would make to a flatmate who said, "I think I'll skip a shower tonight, I'm tired, it's late and I'm cold."
If you can get your husband to lurk here or read posts here, would that help? Would he do it? My husband does. It has helped us enormously. He still snaps at difficult child 3 sometimes, almost out of habit, and difficult child 3 resents it. But despite this we are ALL making progress.
Marg
