How do you handle...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Jungleland, Jul 19, 2009.

  1. Jungleland

    Jungleland Welcome to my jungle!

    difficult child's outgrageous fabrications on the truth?

    Hi family, I really need some advice here.

    difficult child is known to stretch the truth and even tell right out lies. She does the everyday stuff of not owning up to her behaviors, alot of it is typical pre-teen ****.

    I am talking about BIG stuff: horse died on our proprty, she had to bury it in our pasture. Digging a huge hole because she needed to show a friend H**L. Telling counselor she was scared of me because I was beating easy child 3. And so many more stories that I could go on for days.

    Latest is last week. We started having a behaviorist here 3 hours weekly. She told him that when husband took her, a friend, easy child 2 and grandson to the races that when they were entering the track, that the rest of the group went in, she dropped her ticket, she was alone and a creepy guy dressed up like a clown told her if she didn't give him her ticket, he would take her away. She told this behaviorist that she was nearly kidnapped. She went on and on about it, was very convincing. She actually had me getting mad at husband because he left her alone. Behaviorist looked at me and was writting notes like crazy. I told him I had never heard of this before and I would need to check with husband because I couldn't imagine he would ever have left her alone.

    Checked with husband when he got home and his side is: They all entered track at same time. Fairgrounds was setting up for the fair and there was a Carny leaning on the entrance gate asking for tickets. Guy at gate told Carny to leave the area. husband and group all entered races together. difficult child was never left alone. End of story. This happened about a month ago. husband didn't even think to tell me about it because it was such a non-thing.

    I cannot tell you how many times difficult child has done this, told teachers, tdocs, psychiatrists, neighbors, family, friends...outrageous stories that have small bits of truth but HUGE amounts of fabrications. When she was younger, we used to say there is reality and there is difficult child's reality.

    Problem with her reality is that it brings CPS into our lives, and many other professionals questioning us.

    It is being documented, so usually just takes a few days for "authorities" to figure out she is lying.

    I am so sick of it. I have behaviorist thinking about a way to reach her but I just don't know how. The way she perceives the world and situations is so off the charts.

    I am also very scared that if something really does happen to her, no one will believe her. Behaviorist asked me how many times a day does she lie, I said if her lips are moving...

    I am sorry this is such a long post. We are really troubled by this behavior and have no idea how to get ahold of it. Usually her fabrications happen when husband and I are not around, so by the time we hear about it, Teachers, CPS, or whomever are calling or knocking on the door.

    Any suggestions would be wonderful!!

    Hug, Vickie

    P.S. difficult child actually believes her stories. She cries and says these things really, truly happen. How do you correct a behavior that is so out of reality??
    Last edited: Jul 19, 2009
  2. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I wish I could tell you how to make it stop. We went through a fair amount of that with Wiz. In 2nd grade he told the teacher and the principal that I made him stand outside in just his underwear all night long the night before. It was Feb and had snowed 5 inches the night before. The idiot teacher (who had already been stung by some of his lies already) bought it hook line and sinker. I was the room mother and I also spent 2 mornings a week in the classroom helping out! He was totally consistent when he repeated this to the principal. She had enough common sense to check him for signs of frostbite and exposure. Of course there were no signs.

    Wiz learned not to lie that way the hard way. He kept telling me things like the teacher takes away recess if he doesn't catch all the spelling errors she makes on notes to parents. Or that he had to pay with his "caught being good" tickets AND sign the "Bad Behavior Book" if he wanted to go to the restroom before lunch - which was at 12:30 (school started at 7:55). I didn't believe him because he told so many lies. But it was all true. And he was on medications that made him have to urinate frequently. Teacher did NOT like it when I gave her a copy of the state statute that banned pay toilets. The superintendent was upset also because the bad behavior book was something any kid could look through. It didn't even have a separate page each day, every offense was written down on a line in a notebook and anyone who needed to sign it could read what everyone else got in trouble for.

    When Wiz learned that if he told the truth I would take action to help him, but with lies like this I was not inclined to step in because I had no idea what was true.

    Wiz knew these were lies. At no time did he actually believe that I made him stand outside all night. He also knew that we did not have him exorcised to get demons out of him. But he told quite a few people that we did.

    Does she know that these are lies? Are they things that she hallucinates or dreams and then thinks are real? If she keeps telling these things then you may have to let her go through the natural consequences of pretending your parents abuse you. If you and the therapists can work together to make her think she is going into a foster home because you are abusive, and make it a bare bones, no frills "foster home" - say one with-o tv, computers, games, etc.... ? Maybe she will see that it isn't such a great idea. That may be too drastic, and may not be appropriate. It is just all I can think of.

    These seem so outrageous. What does the psychiatrist suggest? Can psychiatrist and therapist send letters to CPS stating that she has a history of elaborate lies, especially about being abused? That might help cut off some of these investigations before they even get started. Maybe have copies of the letters sent to the principal and all of her teachers?

    Would it be wise to install cameras throughout the home so that any allegations of child abuse can be refuted? Esp as she gets older - she may accuse husband of sexual abuse. Once that allegation has been made there is NO turning back. It could ruin his life. He could lose his job, his reputation, and everything else that matters. CPS could even threaten to take your other children away unless you make him move out of your home. And all it would take to destroy the entire life you and husband have built is for her to make ONE allegation. No proof needed. It is guilty even after proven innocent for cases of sexual abuse of a child.

    Make sure he doesn't go into her room unless you are there also. He needs to be aware that this could happen. All of this should apply to your son also. As a fireman his job would be gone. I would not ever have him be at your home if there isn't another adult there. NOT because he is untrustworthy, because she lies like it is going out of style. At the very least you should make him aware of the situation and the possible danger to him.

    How are you doing? Haven't seen you around lately. What else is going on? How are the kids and the pets?
  3. Jungleland

    Jungleland Welcome to my jungle!

    Great idea about the letters from psychiatrist and therapist to CPS etc.

    I will have another talk with husband and son, and son-in-law for that matter. Very good warnings.

    Things are ok. I still have my arm in a cast, so I am not posting very much, hate typing with 1 hand. lol

    Thanks very much for your post!
  4. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Sorry about your arm.

    I am a little touchy on the situation with allegations of sexual abuse. A friend of my dad's was falsely accused by a student he expelled for drug possession. Before the trial she admitted she lied but his reputation is still irreparably harmed. Even now, over a decade later he cannot get promoted. He can't quit his job either because he cannot get another one.

    It broke my heart when I learned about it, and I don't want to see any other good men falsely accused.
  5. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    I read an article recently, that sometimes those suffering from Bipolar illness, particularly children or those who are untreated, are prone to these exaggerations or fabrications. to handle it? I would let important people "in" on this possibility. Key teachers, her physician, etc. Is she receiving regularly psychotherapy? This might be a good topic for discussion...although it is possibly that she is not fully aware of what she is doing. I'm very sorry...we've experienced some of this off and on with- our daughter (difficult child) and it is very concerning and stressful.