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How do you help a homeless and suicidal son?
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 739001" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Hi Elsi and welcome, I am sorry for your troubles in the past with your ex, the sacrifices you made to stay and care for the children show what a loving and compassionate person you are. It is hard to have a dysfunctional relationship, raise and love children as your own, then see them struggle as adults. You did the best you could under extremely stressful and difficult circumstances. The part about feeling guilty, my goodness, what else could you have done?</p><p>28 and 32. Old enough to be on ones own two feet, no matter what the issues, it is really all about <em>choices</em>. Even with diagnosis and mental challenges our wayward adult kids still have to learn to make better choices.</p><p>Partying, that is my twos focus. Along with that, comes all kinds of drama and troubles and homelessness. It is not so dire that they give up partying and try to live a conventional life. I have seen both of my daughters down and out, worried about depression and suicide, but ultimately, they must learn to choose better. I will not be around forever to rescue them, or cushion the consequences of their lifestyles.</p><p>I have come to the realization like many folks here, that they don’t get better living with me, they just cycle in and out, take for granted my home, feel entitled, help themselves to food and the comforts that I work hard for, and bring their drama and chaos to boot.</p><p>It is a recipe for misery.</p><p>The questions you ask about trying to save your son, <em>many of us have faced that.</em> If our love could save them, none of us would need to be here. Many parents here, including myself, have pulled out all the stops, rearranged our lives, brought our floundering adult children back into our homes in hopes that they would change. What I found, was that my two didn’t want to change. I wanted them to wake up and smell the coffee, more than they did.</p><p>Your son has to really want change, and if he does, will find a way. That sounds harsh, but it is true. I think Kalahou’s suggestion is an excellent one and hope there are places available in your sons area.</p><p>I think you are on the right track thinking it is unfair to your partner to bring your son home. Most of all though, it is unfair to you. You have a life to live, you matter. The sanctity of your home matters. Your peace matters.</p><p>In standing your ground for this, you are modeling the importance of good choices and self care for all of your adult children. Taking care of ourselves and setting boundaries is not selfish, it is what we wish our struggling kids would learn to do. As their first and closest mentors, I think that is the best thing we can do for them, set the example, walk the walk.</p><p>Keep posting and let us know how you are doing. There are parents here who have been in similar situations, including me. I gave my two over to God, and pray for them to find their true potential.</p><p>If that is not your way, there is also meditation and websites and books to help us. It is definitely a work in progress, learning to cope with the reality that we have no control over what our beloveds choose. They are adults, it is their path to walk.</p><p> There is help out there, if they choose it. For mine, they don’t want to follow rules, adhere to curfews, stop drugging. I cannot allow that in my home. Been there, done that.</p><p>Welcome to our little corner. You are not alone.</p><p>(((Hugs)))</p><p>Leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 739001, member: 19522"] Hi Elsi and welcome, I am sorry for your troubles in the past with your ex, the sacrifices you made to stay and care for the children show what a loving and compassionate person you are. It is hard to have a dysfunctional relationship, raise and love children as your own, then see them struggle as adults. You did the best you could under extremely stressful and difficult circumstances. The part about feeling guilty, my goodness, what else could you have done? 28 and 32. Old enough to be on ones own two feet, no matter what the issues, it is really all about [I]choices[/I]. Even with diagnosis and mental challenges our wayward adult kids still have to learn to make better choices. Partying, that is my twos focus. Along with that, comes all kinds of drama and troubles and homelessness. It is not so dire that they give up partying and try to live a conventional life. I have seen both of my daughters down and out, worried about depression and suicide, but ultimately, they must learn to choose better. I will not be around forever to rescue them, or cushion the consequences of their lifestyles. I have come to the realization like many folks here, that they don’t get better living with me, they just cycle in and out, take for granted my home, feel entitled, help themselves to food and the comforts that I work hard for, and bring their drama and chaos to boot. It is a recipe for misery. The questions you ask about trying to save your son, [I]many of us have faced that.[/I] If our love could save them, none of us would need to be here. Many parents here, including myself, have pulled out all the stops, rearranged our lives, brought our floundering adult children back into our homes in hopes that they would change. What I found, was that my two didn’t want to change. I wanted them to wake up and smell the coffee, more than they did. Your son has to really want change, and if he does, will find a way. That sounds harsh, but it is true. I think Kalahou’s suggestion is an excellent one and hope there are places available in your sons area. I think you are on the right track thinking it is unfair to your partner to bring your son home. Most of all though, it is unfair to you. You have a life to live, you matter. The sanctity of your home matters. Your peace matters. In standing your ground for this, you are modeling the importance of good choices and self care for all of your adult children. Taking care of ourselves and setting boundaries is not selfish, it is what we wish our struggling kids would learn to do. As their first and closest mentors, I think that is the best thing we can do for them, set the example, walk the walk. Keep posting and let us know how you are doing. There are parents here who have been in similar situations, including me. I gave my two over to God, and pray for them to find their true potential. If that is not your way, there is also meditation and websites and books to help us. It is definitely a work in progress, learning to cope with the reality that we have no control over what our beloveds choose. They are adults, it is their path to walk. There is help out there, if they choose it. For mine, they don’t want to follow rules, adhere to curfews, stop drugging. I cannot allow that in my home. Been there, done that. Welcome to our little corner. You are not alone. (((Hugs))) Leafy [/QUOTE]
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How do you help a homeless and suicidal son?
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