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How do you help a homeless and suicidal son?
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<blockquote data-quote="Elsi" data-source="post: 739031" data-attributes="member: 23349"><p>We give unconditional LOVE, but we also have expectations and boundaries. We say "If you want X from us, you have to do Y" and "If you want A from life, you have to do it on your own." Animals have not only unconditional love but also zero expectations. They don't care if you're stoned or don't have a job or haven't paid your taxes in ten years or just got out of prison. As long as you don't abuse them, they just accept you as you are, with no expectations for what you will do in the future. They don't have concepts like responsibility or accountability. They make no moral judgments about whether holding a job and paying rent on time is a better way of living than couch surfing and getting high. So it's comforting. When we place expectations on our kids, they see that as making our love conditional. They don't have the maturity to realize that the LOVE is always there, no matter what they do or don't do, even when we have to place boundaries on what we expect as acceptable behavior. The see the setting of a boundary ("I can't be around you when you're doing X") as a withdrawal of love. Animals never judge or set expectations, but as parents we have to. Eventually, our kids may realize that those boundaries are an expression of love, not it's withdrawal. </p><p></p><p>N is doing so much better now. Full recovery took about 2 years. But he's married now with kids and finishing up an electrician program. There are differences there that those of us who knew him "before" and "after" can recognize, and a few skills that will never come back (a lot of his athletic instincts), but he's one of my two self-sufficient kids now. Long road, but worth it. (As a side note, his father only came to the hospital twice while he was in IC...because it was "too hard to see him like that" and "he won't remember I was here anyway." I will never for the life of me understand that--or forgive it. I pretty much lived at the hospital for weeks, because N panicked and had to be strapped down every time he lost sight of me. )</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Elsi, post: 739031, member: 23349"] We give unconditional LOVE, but we also have expectations and boundaries. We say "If you want X from us, you have to do Y" and "If you want A from life, you have to do it on your own." Animals have not only unconditional love but also zero expectations. They don't care if you're stoned or don't have a job or haven't paid your taxes in ten years or just got out of prison. As long as you don't abuse them, they just accept you as you are, with no expectations for what you will do in the future. They don't have concepts like responsibility or accountability. They make no moral judgments about whether holding a job and paying rent on time is a better way of living than couch surfing and getting high. So it's comforting. When we place expectations on our kids, they see that as making our love conditional. They don't have the maturity to realize that the LOVE is always there, no matter what they do or don't do, even when we have to place boundaries on what we expect as acceptable behavior. The see the setting of a boundary ("I can't be around you when you're doing X") as a withdrawal of love. Animals never judge or set expectations, but as parents we have to. Eventually, our kids may realize that those boundaries are an expression of love, not it's withdrawal. N is doing so much better now. Full recovery took about 2 years. But he's married now with kids and finishing up an electrician program. There are differences there that those of us who knew him "before" and "after" can recognize, and a few skills that will never come back (a lot of his athletic instincts), but he's one of my two self-sufficient kids now. Long road, but worth it. (As a side note, his father only came to the hospital twice while he was in IC...because it was "too hard to see him like that" and "he won't remember I was here anyway." I will never for the life of me understand that--or forgive it. I pretty much lived at the hospital for weeks, because N panicked and had to be strapped down every time he lost sight of me. ) [/QUOTE]
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How do you help a homeless and suicidal son?
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