how do you keep your composure?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Jamieh, May 25, 2013.

  1. Jamieh

    Jamieh New Member

    I have such a hard time keeping it together when E struggles socially. I am a crier. Especially when I see that he can't control a lot of things. When he is in meltdown mode and nothing works. Or when he has a hard time with friends. I hate it. We went to a birthday party for a pretty close friend today. the kid (birthday kid) was not very nice to E and pretty much ignored him when E tried to interact with him. So of course it hurt E's feelings because he was actually being REALLY good and just wanted to play with- his friend. He got really upset and wanted to leave and then wanted to go and explain to his friend that he was being mean and why he shouldn't be mean lol I didn't want E to cause a scene at a birthday party so I tried to divert his attention. That is pretty impossible when he gets on a mission like this. All it took was for one person who saw me struggling with eli to come up and ask me if I was ok. And of course she had to hug me. I just cried. It's SO HARD. This is SO HARD to do. How do you keep it together at times like these?
  2. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hugs to you, sometimes it is just so hard. When my difficult child was around your difficult child's age I remember a time when I was trying to get him to come to the car from a night high school football game. He had been running around like a madman, not listening to anything husband and I told him. husband was visiting with high school friends so I said I would take difficult child to the car. He was acting wild and hitting me and running away. I had to finally ask a stranger for help. I was so worn out and embarrassed. It was all I could do to not start sobbing right then-many other times I wasn't able to stop.

    As time has gone on I think I have become more numb or my rhino skin is in a better place because now many of the times the tears don't come.
  3. PlainJane

    PlainJane Every dog has his day....

    please excuse all typos..

    I don't know. I'm sorry I wish I could tell you how, but I can't. This is ging to sound a little crazy but I do envy you that when you can't keep it together you are a crier. My go to emotion is anger. Unfortunately its always been, I get frustrated, and yell, and need to cool off. At least with crying you don't risk taking out your stress on you son. I hope I'm not coming across like I'm minimizing your siutation, I'mk not. Trying to keeping it together, no matter how it eventually falls apart is not a good feeling. And I can imagine, if you don't like attention, crying tends to put you in the spot light instantly, with people asking "are you ok?'. I don't know if you feel better with more support or if you prefer to work through tough times on your own, but I can see how crying would take that choice away from you.

    I will say that when I used to run (I'm pregnant now, probably should add that to my siggy) that running helped me be a little more even tempered, including feeling of saddness or crying. I would get up and run like 6 miles, hard. Burn through a lot of the extra energy that makes me on edge...and for most of the day I felt as if I had woken up and drank some wine! Exercise might seem like a really weird suggestion out of left field, because it is, but I've found that I have been unable to change difficult child, unable at this point without professional help to change how I deal with stress, but regular exercise (harder the better) I drain that extra "energy" that feeds my fired of reaction to stress.....I realise how insane I soulnd, I assure I'm not insane, just trying to put words...running is like a natral xanax, though I've never actually had a xanax, but its how I imagine it would feel. :)
  4. IT1967

    IT1967 Member

    When you figure it out, please please let me know. Many of my friends have seen me fall apart crying. I don't think there's barely been a day in the past 9 months that I haven't cried. I get *exactly* how you are feeling.
  5. Dixies_fire

    Dixies_fire Member

    I'm in the anger category and I'm also in the lots of noise and yelling makes my head pop off category.
    difficult child has made me cry but she makes me angry much more often.

    So still working on that one.
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I think the exercise idea is EXCELLENT. I'm very high strung and have suffered from anxiety disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) all of my life. Loud noise bothers me, be it crying, screaming or a loud concert (I never did like loud concerts). Nothing helps me like hard exercise. Running is great, but any workout is good.

    Probably the least productive way to handle it is with anger, as if the child is deliberately making your life difficult. The children can't help it. They have brain differences and are emotionally liable and have young, undeveloped brains to be able to handle their differences. We as adults need to at least try to deal with our disappointment, feelings that the child is doing this just to make us crazy, and other stuff by pouring our emotions into positives, if we can (it's NOT easy). Anger can lead to physical or verbal abuse and that doesn't help anyone. The child probably is more upset about his behavior and inability to act normal than we are. And most likely the child feels as if nobody on earth understands him. Sometimes "bad" beahvior is a cry for help. I was one of those children. Although I had terrible tantrums that made my mother feel I was being a spoiled brat, I actually couldn't control myself and, afterward, would sit in my bedroom by myself thinking of dying so that my loved ones wouldn't have to deal with me. I would promise myself I'd never do it again, but I knew I couldn't keep the promise because the anger controlled me, not the other way around.

    Hugs to all of you.
  7. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    I would keep it all in through the week and then cry and cry and cry at church. husband was embarrassed. And being Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) he doesn't embarrass ever. He was sure they would all think he was beating me.

    I would also go to therapy and keep a journal.
  8. PlainJane

    PlainJane Every dog has his day....

    This is so true, and very insightful. I have a very hard time understanding my son. I was jus tthe opposite of one of those kids as was my husband. I was that teachers pet kind of kid. I did what I was supposed to without question. I eventually grew into an outspoken adult, but not as a kid. I just can't understand how or why my son can not control his actions. Same with husband, so we get very frustrated at some of his behavoirs. Obviously its like hitting my head on a brick wall trying to change him, so...exercise! CHange my own mood because that's what I can control, myself, not him :)
  9. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    I run. When in public I bottle it up, count to thousand and back, concentrate in breathing, concentrate on a calming thought and depress it and bottle it up. Stiff upper lip and all that. And when I'm alone I run into the woods and keep running until I can't any more and lie in the ground puking and crying till I exhaust myself. Then i sat and wonder and run (or limp) back home.
  10. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hi Jemiah - I think watching your difficult child struggle with social issues is one of the most personal experiences we share with our difficult children. It's that mixture of mama bear defensiveness and emotional roller-coaster that's kinda unique to parenting a difficult child, especially in their elementary school years.

    I can tell you that one thing I would do was insure that difficult child had at least one or two kids that he interacted with outside of school. That way, when he want to school, there was a connection. I made sure that there were Fridays I picked up difficult child and a buddy and went to the movies, came home and played, went to a playground, etc. Sometime you have to search for families who are open-minded rather than the "perfect family" types who don't understand the individuality and often quirkiness of our difficult children.

    I did this with my difficult child in elementary school. I also threw him a couple birthday parties where I invited tons of kids - and difficult child's birthday is in August so those times in elementary school I would rent one of those huge blowup things or huge blow up slip and slides. The kids would come for the equipment and it left difficult child with a wonderful feeling afterwards.

    As he got older, it was important that he had at least one good friend. Often we have to help foster the friendship (i.e., doing all the driving, always being the host house, etc.). As he is now in high school, there is still a kinda peripheral involvement by me, but he's really in control.

    I will tell you that, for my difficult child, friendship was very different than the definition most of us put on it. If difficult child spoke to a kid in one of his classes, they were one of his friends. If a kid sat next to him in biology, they were his friend. Fortunately his experience was all he knew (even though he had an absolutely incredibly social older sister who had tons of friends and a very active social life). To him, his life was his "normal".

    I also think we are often more emotional when our difficult children are younger because things are more fresh. The reality of having a difficult child is often newer and the challenges are just beginning. With time, many of us fall into parenting our difficult children on autopilot. doctor appointments, IEP meetings, visits to the drug store to pick up medications....all those things become second nature.

    And for me, prayer was a powerful tool and so was a glass of wine on the patio by myself!

  11. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Truthfully, I didn't understand "criers" OR "anger people". I never realized that others were not the same as I was. I cope and save the emotions for when I am alone. My husband and I married in 1976 and one of his daughters (obviously my SD of decades) cries when she is angry, or upset or happy. It drove me nuts! Some years ago I finally read that the people who cry are wired that way. I already knew that people with anger issues were hardwired. It still drives me nuts!

    My advice, for what it is worth...which is perhaps that IF you are wired to be a crier learn to save it for times when you are alone. People like me (yeah, lol, I AM a good guy!) can't provide support easily to someone who cries easily. I'm not sure but I believe that your difficult child needs to see you as solidly supportive. Could I be wrong?? Absolutely! on the other hand with difficult child's "play acting" seems to help them adapt to the real world. Parenting difficult child's is the hardest job I've ever had but my difficult child's "never saw me sweat". I believe that gave them strength. Hugs DDD
  12. Jamieh

    Jamieh New Member

    I can usually hold it together in public. but lately with- E it's been harder. I think a lot of his issues are getting worse as he gets older and I can clearly see that he can't control it. And that is very hard to watch for me. It's also hard to see him around NT kids and realize that he IS different. We ignored it for so long. I am embarrassed that I just lost it Saturday.
  13. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    It is just as well that we do not all think the same for that would indeed, as the cliche goes, make for a boring world...
    For my part, I don't at all think it is wrong to display emotions in front of a child - occasionally, it goes without saying, and perhaps using it as an opportunity to discuss anger, sadness, etc. How else is to a child learn that emotions are not wrong but simply part of being human?
    You were vulnerable and human, Jamieh, and I see no reason to be embarrassed. If anything, it is moving. We can all understand.