I agree, I don't think you need to worry. At least, not as things are currently.
I am more worried that she would rather not talk about it, perhaps she's concerned it's going to turn into the third degree and she will feel you don't trust her.
It's far more important for you to keep dialogue open. She doesn't want to talk about the specifics here - I think you need to back off ("Explosive Child" techniques - put this into Basket B). However, think whether you could say the following -
"N, I know it's dorky to have your mum want to talk about this sort of stuff. But I AM your mum and I worry about you. I trust you, but this is how your world is. We had drugs in my day but attitudes were different. I'm not wanting to use this as a lecture opportunity or anything. I just want your help to understand how it is for you these days. Can we compare notes together? You help me understand and I can compare with how it was in my day, and maybe together we can discuss how these changes happen."
Kids these days have more problems thta we didn't have (or not to the same extent). For example, easy child 2/difficult child 2 has experienced having her drink spiked even though she was very careful - we can only assume the culprit was actually the bartender, of the Sydney club she was attending with friends for a Christmas party. We were talking about it in the family, letting people know. As a result, when husband's niece came home from a party apparently drunk to the point of vomiting (when she never drank to excess and never to the point of nausea) her mother was suspicious and immediatly got her to the hospital. Yes, her drink had been spiked. Having heard about her cousin's experience she had also made a point of being careful. I was talking to this girl yesterday about it (visiting east coast for easy child 2/difficult child 2's wedding; she flew home this morning) and she also believed she knew who had done it. Two possible culprits in her case; it had been a party at a friend's place but they had hired a bartender. Niece thinks it was either the bartender, or a male 'friend' who got the drinks for them both. She has never trusted that friend again.
Drink spiking is one modern aspect of drug usage. However, for a lot of kids these days I suspect that drug use where it's personal only and is not considered to be having an impact on other people. Therefore the kids don't squeal, as a rule.
Ask N about the modern ethics. Get her to teach you how it works. Don't try to teach her; let her feel she is in charge of this, for now. Because ANY opportunity for her to talk about this is a good thing.
Kids N's age have a different take on ethics & morals compared to adults and even compared to how she will judge things herself in a few years' time. Kids tend to be more black and white in how they view things. Often they can be more morally upright than later in life, when they learn about having to compromise their views.
Some years ago when easy child was N's age, we had a small discussion group at our church where we would get together with the kids and present various scenarios. We had a book (very useful) which had these scenarios. They were complex and challenging. None of them had one single correct answer. The aim was to promote discussion, not to teach kids how they SHOULD choose. The discussion was the lesson. The situation N has experienced sounds very similar to the sort of scenario we had in this discussion group. Because really, morally - what is the right way to handle it? As parents, we would like to think that if someone found drugs in our kid's locker, they would tell. We'd want our kid to get help. But it is far more complex. The kid who dobs - what will it do to the trust he wants other kids to have in him? Will there be negative repercussions for him from other kids? Especially the school supplier(s)?
And the kid who was caught - what happens to him? What drugs was he caught with? What were the circumstances?
An example - I was teaching remedial reading to Grade 5 kids at the local school. I was one of a number of volunteers, we would visit for half an hour a day and take a kid out of class for tem to read to us. I had to time the reading of a passage, note which words caused the kid problems, talk about reading problems and help the kid have more confidence in themselves with reading.
I was rummaging in my bag for my stopwatch and accidentally dropped a bottle of prescription medications - it was codeine phosphate. The bottle was tiny but had my name on it on the pharmacy label. I didn't notice I'd dropped it.
Later at home, I realised that I had dropped the bottle and worked out roughly where it must have happened. I rang the school to report it and ask them to watch out for it.
However in the meantime, my best friend's son, who was in Grade 5, had come out of class and found the bottle. He read my name on the label and said to his friend, "I know her, she's my mother's best friend. I'll drop it in to her after school."
But the other boy told the class teacher, who immediately put the worst interpretation on it. She called him everything she could, including dishonest, a liar, sneaky - you name it. I got a phone call form the school asking me very coldly to come down and fetch away my "drugs" and from that point on, I was no longer welcome in the remedial reading volunteer program (not that I realised it at that time). My friend's son came home very upset - he had thought he was donig a good thing. Of course he should have handed the pills in to the teacher, but the kid had no idea they were so restricted. We really are very close to this family, it was almost as if my son had found the bottle. So the mother & I went down to the school to complain to the class teacher about her over-reaction and poor handling of the situation - she had been harsh with him in front of the rest of the class. Yes, he had made a bad judgement call in not handing over the pills, but it was a mistake made in innocence and not in deceit. The teacher's response was to bad-mouth the kid so thoroughly that my friend got deflected and was made to honestly believe her son had been a problem all year (as the teacher claimed) and was not a team player, was repeatedly dishonest and unreliable and so on. I remember asking why the teacher had not communicated this earlier to the mother, the teqacher claimed she had tried to indicate problems in the half-yearly report. I also remembered the problems difficult child 1 had had with the same teacher.
My friend went home and tore strips off her son, who by now was deeply regretting what he had originally intended to be a kind deed.
Then my friend checked the half-yearly report (which had been issued by the class teacher only a month earlier). Not only were there no reported problems with her son, but the teacher had been singing his praises for his responsibility, his honesty, his fair play and his teamwork.
What I'm trying to say here - the truth can often be very complex and not always able to be given a black or white label. And even where it can - kids are increasingly wary these days about getting involved. And in my opinion, rightly so.
So use this opportunity to ask N to tell you how it is these days for a kid caught in this situation. Don't tell her at any time what she should do - N is already the almost-finished product of your sound upbringing. From here, she simply has to finish maturing pretty much on her own, using the tools you gave her. She is almost completely beyond your current influence now. The best you can give her now, is the ongoing chance to communicate. You need to continue to be a sounding board, she needs to know you are still there for that purpose. But have faith in the parenting job you have done so far. And tell her this - you trust her to make her own choices and to own them. You just want to understand how they work for her, so you can always be there for her no matter what. You want to understand her world but not tell her how to live in it. That time is past. As you talk (about anything) observe yourself and your responses - do you find yourself telling her how she should think, behave or act? Try to curb the temptation, unless she asks for the advice. Instead, listen to her choices and her views. Ask her to explain her feelings maybe, but otherwise back right off preaching about the right way to behave. She has reached the age of Making Her Own Choices. Save your breath for when she DOES ask for it. Because if you give those opinions now, she will shut down the communication, and frankly that MUST be kept open for as long as possible.
Once they get to N's age, about the only help they will ever come to you for, is either financial, or help in filling out forms (such as first tax return!). Moral choices - the kids would rather walk over hot coals than admit they need help in coming to a decision!
Marg
for a girl her age concerning a class mate.
