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How have your experiences with difficult child kids changed you?
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<blockquote data-quote="Lil" data-source="post: 630615" data-attributes="member: 17309"><p>Of course I'm still going through this and it still seems so new - although I guess it's been going on three years now...but,</p><p> </p><p><em>I'm guilt-ridden</em>.</p><p> </p><p>I keep thinking of <em>everything</em> I did wrong. I should have been stricter. I should have made him join clubs. I should have encouraged sports. I should have played with him more. I should have concentrated on his homework instead of just taking his word it was done. We should have gone to church. We should have taught him religion. I should have put him in therapy. My husband and I have always been so much in love with each other that I feel sometimes that we excluded our son. We said we’d take him to Disney World and didn’t ever go. We said we’d take him digging for diamonds in Arkansas. We didn’t. We didn’t take family vacations. (Really, we seldom took any vacations, but when he was 10 we went to Vegas for a week. Four years ago we went to Italy for 3 weeks.) We used to take him camping and fishing but he didn’t like it so we quit. We tried getting him into golf, but he stopped liking it so we quit. We tried getting him into medieval reenactment with us, but he stopped liking it so we left him home. We shouldn’t have put a computer in his room. We shouldn’t have let him have his own TV. We should have made him eat at the table with us. We should have turned off the TV and played scrabble more. I should have had another child so he wasn’t always alone. (That was my doing. My husband wanted lots of kids, but I was in my mid-30’s when we married and then had health problems and then we were about done with daycare and able to do things without the kid and I just didn’t want more. I will never know why my husband loves me so much.)</p><p> </p><p>My God is there anything I don’t think I did wrong? I know,<em> I really do know</em>, that my son didn’t learn this behavior from me or my husband. But as you can see…that’s what I keep dwelling on.</p><p> </p><p><em>I'm sadder, disillusioned and kind of lost</em>.</p><p> </p><p>I’ve always tried to have hope that things will work out. When I married my ex, I knew he had problems and it became immediately apparent that he was not going to quit drinking and get a job. But every day – every single day – I came home from work hoping he’d say he’d gotten a job, or just that we’d have a nice night. But instead he’d greet me at my car-pool drop off with a beer in his hand (not his first of the day) and would pretty much dump me off at home and leave again. While I was pregnant and working and exhausted, he did manage to cook dinner – otherwise I would have starved, baby to think of or not – I was just so tired. When it was finally over, I swore that I’d never be disappointed that way, over and over, again.</p><p> </p><p>But I am. I feel that same pain every time my son disappoints me. </p><p> </p><p>And I’m so disappointed. When I had a son, I knew we wouldn’t have the kind of relationship I had with my mom, but I had dreams of him growing up and I looked forward to watching him get a job and date and go to prom and walk at graduation and go to college and move on, get married, give me grandbabies, and always, always, love me and want to spend time with me; to come for Christmas and Mother’s day and … I get none of it. Granted he’s only 19, but already I didn’t get prom or graduation (he wouldn’t walk) and college was just to get $...he didn’t attend classes.</p><p> </p><p>And every time he does something that lets me down, it feels exactly, <em>exactly</em>, the same way it did before he was born. </p><p> </p><p>And then I feel guilty because that so <em>ME! ME! ME!</em> He’s not me. He doesn’t have to conform to what I think he should be. But no matter how many times I tell myself that, I can’t help thinking, “Where’s my payoff?” So, yeah, guilt again.</p><p> </p><p><em>I’m envious.</em></p><p> </p><p>I have a couple cousins and a brother-in-law with kids the age of mine. In college, winning awards, or just hanging out with their parents and going to ballgames and stuff together, I’m jealous. I want just a little of what they have. </p><p> </p><p><em>I’m less judgmental.</em></p><p> </p><p>The one and only good thing to come of this so far. I deal with parents in my work, sometimes with kids that are less than stellar individuals. I no longer think, “Wow…did they screw up.” I truly understand what it’s like to have a child going down the wrong path. </p><p> </p><p>I have a <em>very</em> long way to go.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Lil, post: 630615, member: 17309"] Of course I'm still going through this and it still seems so new - although I guess it's been going on three years now...but, [I]I'm guilt-ridden[/I]. I keep thinking of [I]everything[/I] I did wrong. I should have been stricter. I should have made him join clubs. I should have encouraged sports. I should have played with him more. I should have concentrated on his homework instead of just taking his word it was done. We should have gone to church. We should have taught him religion. I should have put him in therapy. My husband and I have always been so much in love with each other that I feel sometimes that we excluded our son. We said we’d take him to Disney World and didn’t ever go. We said we’d take him digging for diamonds in Arkansas. We didn’t. We didn’t take family vacations. (Really, we seldom took any vacations, but when he was 10 we went to Vegas for a week. Four years ago we went to Italy for 3 weeks.) We used to take him camping and fishing but he didn’t like it so we quit. We tried getting him into golf, but he stopped liking it so we quit. We tried getting him into medieval reenactment with us, but he stopped liking it so we left him home. We shouldn’t have put a computer in his room. We shouldn’t have let him have his own TV. We should have made him eat at the table with us. We should have turned off the TV and played scrabble more. I should have had another child so he wasn’t always alone. (That was my doing. My husband wanted lots of kids, but I was in my mid-30’s when we married and then had health problems and then we were about done with daycare and able to do things without the kid and I just didn’t want more. I will never know why my husband loves me so much.) My God is there anything I don’t think I did wrong? I know,[I] I really do know[/I], that my son didn’t learn this behavior from me or my husband. But as you can see…that’s what I keep dwelling on. [I]I'm sadder, disillusioned and kind of lost[/I]. I’ve always tried to have hope that things will work out. When I married my ex, I knew he had problems and it became immediately apparent that he was not going to quit drinking and get a job. But every day – every single day – I came home from work hoping he’d say he’d gotten a job, or just that we’d have a nice night. But instead he’d greet me at my car-pool drop off with a beer in his hand (not his first of the day) and would pretty much dump me off at home and leave again. While I was pregnant and working and exhausted, he did manage to cook dinner – otherwise I would have starved, baby to think of or not – I was just so tired. When it was finally over, I swore that I’d never be disappointed that way, over and over, again. But I am. I feel that same pain every time my son disappoints me. And I’m so disappointed. When I had a son, I knew we wouldn’t have the kind of relationship I had with my mom, but I had dreams of him growing up and I looked forward to watching him get a job and date and go to prom and walk at graduation and go to college and move on, get married, give me grandbabies, and always, always, love me and want to spend time with me; to come for Christmas and Mother’s day and … I get none of it. Granted he’s only 19, but already I didn’t get prom or graduation (he wouldn’t walk) and college was just to get $...he didn’t attend classes. And every time he does something that lets me down, it feels exactly, [I]exactly[/I], the same way it did before he was born. And then I feel guilty because that so [I]ME! ME! ME![/I] He’s not me. He doesn’t have to conform to what I think he should be. But no matter how many times I tell myself that, I can’t help thinking, “Where’s my payoff?” So, yeah, guilt again. [I]I’m envious.[/I] I have a couple cousins and a brother-in-law with kids the age of mine. In college, winning awards, or just hanging out with their parents and going to ballgames and stuff together, I’m jealous. I want just a little of what they have. [I]I’m less judgmental.[/I] The one and only good thing to come of this so far. I deal with parents in my work, sometimes with kids that are less than stellar individuals. I no longer think, “Wow…did they screw up.” I truly understand what it’s like to have a child going down the wrong path. I have a [I]very[/I] long way to go. [/QUOTE]
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