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How have your experiences with difficult child kids changed you?
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 630645" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Well, I was never that parent who thought my family or kids were going to be perfect because I saw a terrible family example. But I never expected a child like 36, who was on the mean side and who started that way as a toddler. I would say having him and the experience of living with a drug using child who I felt may die made me more selfish. But in a good way. I learned how to stick up for myself and that I absolutely could not give it all up for the troubled kids while my other kids and husband needed me every bit as much. I learned not to take abuse from anyone, not just my kids.</p><p></p><p>Unlike many people, I did not have a "what did I do wrong" type of guilt. Mine was more "Why did I, with my genetic disaster, have a child." And guilt was not a big part of my angst. I did not believe that putting my son in baseball or any clubs would have changed him. He was who he was and he is who he is. I believe in nature far over nurture. I don't think I was a bad mother, but a bit too lax and too loose with givin without him having to work for them. I do regret that.</p><p></p><p>However, how many horrible mothers, who never even pay attention to their kids, have nice kids? I know quite a few. It seems to debunk the theory of "your kids are what you make of them." I think they are born with their personalities and that some are just lacking empathy due to faulty brain wiring. </p><p></p><p>I am in a good place most of the time now. I have slip ups, like when Jumper and her boyfriend broke up (how stupid is it to worry about THAT?) But I get over stuff fast and I no longer let anyone treat me like a piece of crapola, which I did a lot when I was younger. If you can't be nice, you can't be in my life. Period. No negotiation.</p><p></p><p>This is a huge change for me, but I like it. I used to drift toward drama and wonder why I was so stressed out. Now I avoid it and it feels really good. And now that all of my children are out of the nest I refuse to be a "mommy" ever again. I will be happily their adult mother to their adult child, their friend, their confidante, their emotional support, and anything else that is consistent with peace and a normal relationship. I will not be the bank, the one who listens to being called names, the one who solves your adult problems, and your place to come back to if you decide to be irresponsible and go homeless.</p><p></p><p>I think I've come a long way.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 630645, member: 1550"] Well, I was never that parent who thought my family or kids were going to be perfect because I saw a terrible family example. But I never expected a child like 36, who was on the mean side and who started that way as a toddler. I would say having him and the experience of living with a drug using child who I felt may die made me more selfish. But in a good way. I learned how to stick up for myself and that I absolutely could not give it all up for the troubled kids while my other kids and husband needed me every bit as much. I learned not to take abuse from anyone, not just my kids. Unlike many people, I did not have a "what did I do wrong" type of guilt. Mine was more "Why did I, with my genetic disaster, have a child." And guilt was not a big part of my angst. I did not believe that putting my son in baseball or any clubs would have changed him. He was who he was and he is who he is. I believe in nature far over nurture. I don't think I was a bad mother, but a bit too lax and too loose with givin without him having to work for them. I do regret that. However, how many horrible mothers, who never even pay attention to their kids, have nice kids? I know quite a few. It seems to debunk the theory of "your kids are what you make of them." I think they are born with their personalities and that some are just lacking empathy due to faulty brain wiring. I am in a good place most of the time now. I have slip ups, like when Jumper and her boyfriend broke up (how stupid is it to worry about THAT?) But I get over stuff fast and I no longer let anyone treat me like a piece of crapola, which I did a lot when I was younger. If you can't be nice, you can't be in my life. Period. No negotiation. This is a huge change for me, but I like it. I used to drift toward drama and wonder why I was so stressed out. Now I avoid it and it feels really good. And now that all of my children are out of the nest I refuse to be a "mommy" ever again. I will be happily their adult mother to their adult child, their friend, their confidante, their emotional support, and anything else that is consistent with peace and a normal relationship. I will not be the bank, the one who listens to being called names, the one who solves your adult problems, and your place to come back to if you decide to be irresponsible and go homeless. I think I've come a long way. [/QUOTE]
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