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How have your experiences with difficult child kids changed you?
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 630672" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Janet...I enable my dogs constantly...lol. But, seriously, I used to want to fix the entire world, not just my family. I'd stuff $20 into a beggar's hands not realizing it would probably be used for drugs, I want to save every child on earth and therefor, being naive, we adopted a boy who was really too old and too damaged to live in a family and he hurt my youngest two children in the worst way possible. THAT I still feel guilty about. I should have done more research on adopting older kids. I should have read more about Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). Anyway, I didn't and it happened. I would have adopted over and over again if that hadn't happened to make me see that you can not save everyone, sometimes you can't even save a child...it was a horrible time for all of us. I also liked to invite strangers to stay in our house if they had a sad story, but luckily both of my husbands put their feet down on that one. I judged any mother who was not 100% about her children. I lived my life through my children. I had no identity. I was 36's mom, Scott's mom, Julie's mom. When they hurt, I think I took it harder. My mood disorder and anxiety didn't help any. I made my own life a living hell and I never fixed a single person that I tried to fix. I did get burned several times. I also felt that my mother HAD to love me or else I was nothing, therefore I ran after a probably borderline mother, who couldn't stand me, and tried to win her over until I hit my 40's and finally pulled back. But it still killed me when she disinherited me because I felt it meant she didn't love me (she didn't) and God help me if this crazy woman didn't love me, nobody could. That really was a first turning point for me.</p><p></p><p>How I got to THIS point is nothing short of amazing. I can't believe I'm actually here, at a place where I can comfortably let others find their own paths. When I see homeless people now, with their signs, I hand them one of the cards I care around that gives the address and phone number for Community Care w here they can at least find out how to get services, food, help, if they want it. When my adult children struggle, I still feel angst, but I come here and read and can very quickly remember how they have to walk their own paths and I can go on rather than be paralyzed with horror over their latest setback. When I set boundaries down for 36, I knew I'd made it. And he is so much nicer to me now. Maybe it's just a phase, but I can at least talk to him without being called every name in the book and without him screaming at me. Most of the time, I am not thinking about my adult children. I have a busy life of my own, which is another miracle. I actually have an identity aside from my adult children and even my precious grandbaby. They are a part of the people in my life, they are not me. They used to be me.</p><p></p><p>This feeling of serenity is so wonderful and it isn't because I love people or my own children any less. It is because I gave up trying to fix them and I gave up feeling their emotions.</p><p></p><p>My need to fix and help has moved onto animals and THAT is far more gratifying because you CAN help an animal and you can make an animal happy and fix their lives. I am involved in dog rescue. You can fix a dog's life and make it good, but not so with a person.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 630672, member: 1550"] Janet...I enable my dogs constantly...lol. But, seriously, I used to want to fix the entire world, not just my family. I'd stuff $20 into a beggar's hands not realizing it would probably be used for drugs, I want to save every child on earth and therefor, being naive, we adopted a boy who was really too old and too damaged to live in a family and he hurt my youngest two children in the worst way possible. THAT I still feel guilty about. I should have done more research on adopting older kids. I should have read more about Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). Anyway, I didn't and it happened. I would have adopted over and over again if that hadn't happened to make me see that you can not save everyone, sometimes you can't even save a child...it was a horrible time for all of us. I also liked to invite strangers to stay in our house if they had a sad story, but luckily both of my husbands put their feet down on that one. I judged any mother who was not 100% about her children. I lived my life through my children. I had no identity. I was 36's mom, Scott's mom, Julie's mom. When they hurt, I think I took it harder. My mood disorder and anxiety didn't help any. I made my own life a living hell and I never fixed a single person that I tried to fix. I did get burned several times. I also felt that my mother HAD to love me or else I was nothing, therefore I ran after a probably borderline mother, who couldn't stand me, and tried to win her over until I hit my 40's and finally pulled back. But it still killed me when she disinherited me because I felt it meant she didn't love me (she didn't) and God help me if this crazy woman didn't love me, nobody could. That really was a first turning point for me. How I got to THIS point is nothing short of amazing. I can't believe I'm actually here, at a place where I can comfortably let others find their own paths. When I see homeless people now, with their signs, I hand them one of the cards I care around that gives the address and phone number for Community Care w here they can at least find out how to get services, food, help, if they want it. When my adult children struggle, I still feel angst, but I come here and read and can very quickly remember how they have to walk their own paths and I can go on rather than be paralyzed with horror over their latest setback. When I set boundaries down for 36, I knew I'd made it. And he is so much nicer to me now. Maybe it's just a phase, but I can at least talk to him without being called every name in the book and without him screaming at me. Most of the time, I am not thinking about my adult children. I have a busy life of my own, which is another miracle. I actually have an identity aside from my adult children and even my precious grandbaby. They are a part of the people in my life, they are not me. They used to be me. This feeling of serenity is so wonderful and it isn't because I love people or my own children any less. It is because I gave up trying to fix them and I gave up feeling their emotions. My need to fix and help has moved onto animals and THAT is far more gratifying because you CAN help an animal and you can make an animal happy and fix their lives. I am involved in dog rescue. You can fix a dog's life and make it good, but not so with a person. [/QUOTE]
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