husband was very, very angry with me after the court appearance. We were allowed to communicate via telephone or email, but I avoided it as much as possible. He tied up our finances leaving me virtually no money for running the household. I had support from my family who stepped up to make certain we didn't starve. husband was supposedly on disability, but I had no way of knowing what was happening with his job.
husband checked himself into a different psychiatric hospital in December. This time, his uncle the psychiatrist was able to convince the attending psychiatrist to make changes to his medications. Unfortunately, they changed ALL of them at once. I only know this from the hospital report I received later. A few days after he was released, I received a very apologetic phone call from husband. He said he missed us, he loved us, and he was able to answer questions about our finances. He spoke to both kids and told them that he missed them and loved them.
The next evening he called again. This time there was an urgency in his voice and he asked me for "straight answers." First, he asked if I loved him. I told him truthfully that I will always love him. He cried. Then he asked if I would let him come home. This time I was the one in tears, and I told him I could not since I was afraid of him. He knew what that meant to me. My first husband was abusive, and I left him. He said, "Well then there's no reason left to live." I tried to talk him into going back to the hospital. I even brought up his childhood friend whose father committed suicide. I told him his children needed him. He said, "They will have their mother. I hope I see you again some day in a better place. Good bye." (very stilted), and he hung up. I immediately telephoned the police and then his parents. His father told me he had run out the door and jumped in the car.
His parents found him in the morning. I still don't understand why they went to check the piece of property they refer to as "the farm." He had shot himself in the head. husband did not own a gun, and no one sold him one. I don't know if father in law ignored me when I told him to remove the firearms or if someone gave him the gun or if he managed to find a gun his parents had forgotten about in their house. It doesn't much matter. husband could have chosen a different method; he was smart enough to know what would work.
When I got the phone call from my brother in law that they had found his body, my kids were both so mature. At first, I did not want to tell them HOW he did it. But easy child asked immediately, "Did he shoot himself?" difficult child said, "Mommy, he could have come here and killed all of us, too, and he didn't." No, he didn't. I think a part of him believed he was protecting us; for that I am grateful.
We have also been fortunate for a multitude of friends who were not afraid to help us. husband's coworkers were of immeasurable help both during and afterward. I had no choice but to be brutally honest about what was happening in our lives, and only one person steered clear of us during the worst of it. Everyone else was supportive and helpful and offered us places to stay in case of emergency. I learned that my friends and neighbors are super people.
As my SO says, "Nothing is either all good or all bad." We learn from all our experiences and even something which appears horrible at first glace, will teach us a valuable lesson if we choose to learn it. Yes, it is a sad story, but the kids and I survived. My kids still have a chance to experience life in a positive way. I refuse to allow husband's mental illness suck us all down with him.
