how husband went insane

[Hound dog]

I can't imagine having to face that, either as an adult/wife or as a child.

I hope you and the kids can find peace with this. We have a very long way to go before we bring mental illness treatment out of the stone age. I think your story is an example of that.

(((hugs)))

 

[witzend]

I remember this happening at the time, I think. You posted here about it? So much of the story is familiar. I feel badly that we all lost track of each other, but somehow deep in my heart I know that the relationships that I have with my dear friends here can be counted on if I should need you. That's why I can't leave, even though my children are long gone and hardly children anymore. (Troubled? Yes. Children? No.) My family has moved on, and the friendships here remain.

I do remember how proud I was of you that you got your teaching certificate, and how happy it made you. Are you still teaching? I do hope that you are well, and thank you for sharing this with us to remind us how precious life is. Give everyone a great big hug for me.

 

[pigless in VA]

Upallnight, please let go of the guilt over your mother in law. I loved my husband deeply, and we were very close when he was well. Mental illness causes the affected person to not feel love. They cannot be reached by love and compassion; they need to be in a hospital, and they need to find the right medication that works for them. Also, you had a right to be angry for the compulsive things she did which hurt you.

I dump my anger squarely on mental illness. It's a complicated, devastating, serious and sometimes deadly condition. It's hideous but blaming ourselves for not caring enough or doing enough doesn't accomplish anything.

In a strange way, I think my resilience infuriated husband. He wanted/needed me to feel whatever he was feeling. I kept carrying on around him, in spite of him, enjoying the small things in life. Loving the children and watching them grow. He could not or would not relax, enjoy, and be. Everything for him was an uphill struggle. I don't view life that way.

 

[pigless in VA]

Witz, no teaching certificate is needed for preschool. Yes, I am still teaching, and I love working with the little people. My perspective offers me endless patience with them which they respond to. I did post about husband quite a bit. I used to feel like I was on a see-saw running between him and difficult child attempting to keep everything balanced. I stopped visiting the board for reasons I no longer remember. Probably husband was jealous of my friendships here. Amazingly, when husband was the sickest, difficult child rallied and did very, very well. I think I see a strength in my son that husband lacked.

 

[Nancy]

Perry your story breaks my heart and I think you are one of the bravest and strongest women I know. I hope that by writing your story it brings you some peace and closure. I was so taken aback by your story and sorry I didn't know what was happening to give you support at the time. Kris talked about you all the time but she never shared that info. You must have felt all alone and yet you had the strength to take care of yourself and your children.

I think you are absolutely right about your resilience being a thread you your husband. I hate mental illness. I went to the funeral a few months back of a young man who killed himself because he could no longer go on living with his mental illness. We know his parents well, they are lovely people, mom is the daughter of a very well known businesswoman, dad a very successful attorney. Their son was in and out of mental hospitals for years. He was a college graduate from a very well known and respected university and had a wonderful job, he had many friends and was very smart and by looking at him you would not know he was struggling every day to keep afloat from his demons. His parents had just come back from spending a week with him because he was so distraught. He was staying with his brother at the time because everyone was worried about him. No one ever guessed what he was going to do. Devastating and so very sad for everyone he left behind. Talking to his parents I have a very small glimpse of what you live with and I am so sorry for all of your pain.

Thank you for sharing your difficult story.

Nancy

 

[Wiped Out]

Pigless,
Thank you for sharing your story. You have been through such an incredible amount of pain and have emerged even stronger. Sending the gentlest hugs your way.

 

[JJJ]

Thank you pigless for sharing. Thanks LMS for sharing your story too. My heart breaks for you. You are both amazing women to able to share your stories with us.

 

[Lothlorien]

P...I hope that somehow this has been therapeutic, writing about this. Mostly, I hope that you have reached out to someone who reads, but is afraid to post or reach out.

Your story is heartbreaking and terrifying at the same time. I hope that your children are able to someday deal with this in a positive way. I'm so sorry that they have to deal with this. A death of a parent is hard enough, but add suicide and the trauma they suffered beforehand....{{{{shiver}}}}

My heart goes out to you. Thank you for sharing your story with us....really. I can tell this has been taxing for you to write this all out and relive the details.

For anyone who is dealing with this type of distress...reach out.

Hugs and prayers P.

 

[buddy]

Thank you for sharing this, I am unbelievably moved. I read this while at my mom's (on my phone) and we were both crying. Not out of pity for you, but it is moving. We both said the biggest impact was the incredible strength a mom can have pulling through an experience that is way beyond what any of us thinks we would ever experience in life.....how you made decisions, fought through fear, and kept on for your sake and the sakes of your children. You are a blessing to them and to many of us.

 

[pigless in VA]

Oh man! I didn't mean to make you guys cry. I'm sorry. Mental illness and suicide are horrible. But life deals us horrible blows, and it's our job to carry on in spite of the ugliness.

Of note is that immediately after husband died, I attended an all ladies New Year's Eve party. I discovered that the women (I only know the host) all wanted to spend their time bashing the exes. Somewhere else I'm sure there was a group of guys doing the same thing about their exes. Life is too short to think only about all the **** that gets thrown at us.

Nancy, I hate mental illness, too. I hate that the sufferers have to keep taking drug after drug after drug in the hope of finding something that works. I hate that the psychiatrists don't understand the severity of the side-effects. I hate that it happens in the first place.

I was not alone in this battle. I have a dear friend who was/is (currently separated) also married to someone who is mentally ill, and one of my closest friends is bipolar I and has been stable for years. She was my "go-to" person every time husband blew up. I had excellent support. I hesistated to tell people what specifically was happening, but as the parade of police began, I opened up. What I discovered was that the people around me were supportive, not judgmental, and that nearly everyone has experienced mental illness somewhere along the line. As one of my friends says, "you shake any family tree and a few nuts are bound to fall out."

Loth, this was a one migraine, one nightmare venture. Not too bad.

For anyone who is dealing with this type of distress...reach out.

Yes, please do. Call your county or city mental health system. Get a therapist. Talk to friends and family. Talk to people on the CD board.

I watched husband drowning in his own emotions and kept trying to throw him a life-preserver. Instead, he kept grabbing me and trying his best to pull me under. He said to me, "I know the children aren't mine." I offered to have them DNA tested. His behavior forced me to leave the house repeatedly. I had to emotionally withdraw from him in order to survive. I know he felt it, but I never stopped loving him. Every decision I made, I considered all of us.

 

[DammitJanet]

Perry, you may have saved a life by posting this right now. It may be fate that you came back right now. For the last couple of months, oh heck, for the last year or so, things have been getting really bad for me but the last six months things have been getting much worse. My pain levels are sky rocketing, I am miserable in my home, my relationship is just about nil, my granddaughter has been gone for a year, I am really just barely hanging on. I keep saying I am holding on for June when Keyana comes back to us. Then I dont know what will happen after that.

The docs arent sure how to manage my pain. I am trying to hold on till next spring because I have a CD that matures then. I know, who thinks about money when they are feeling this badly? LOL. I want to take the kids to Disney and then I have been planning on just ending it all. I have been feeling like koi constantly.

But your post makes me think, can I do that to them? Not so much to Tony, heck right now he almost deserves it, but my kids and most of all the grand kids.

 

[Hound dog]

Janet, many more would be utterly devastated than your kids and grandkids. I for one, and many many more here in your board family.

I understand where you're coming from though. You've had a pretty horrible year, the pain levels have only made it all the worse. I hope they can get it back to manageable soon.

(((hugs)))

 

[pigless in VA]

Janet,

I have a sister with a genetic condition who is an expert in pain management. She may know of some things that you haven't tried yet. I absolutely DO NOT recommend marijauna. I believe husband's pain sky rocketed with the ineffectiveness of his medication regime. What does your psychiatrist think? Has he thought about you trying a low dose of cymbalta for the pain management? The pain leads to depression which then leads to more pain and suicidal ideation. It sounds like you need a change in order to feel better. I'm sorry to hear that you have been feeling so badly.

Absolutely suicide has far reaching effects far beyond your immediate family.

 

[DammitJanet]

We tried cymbalta but I do not do well with AD's. I go manic on them and manic and I dont do well considering I am almost bedridden at this point. I am to the point that I can walk and stand for about 5 to 10 minutes max. Oh and I dont smoke pot. LOL. Nope...nada, never again. That went out with the teen years. I did try it once when I was without insurance and EVERYONE said oh pot helps pain so well...so I smoked a couple of puffs and oh my gosh...I was in agony! Every little pain I had was intensified 100%. Never again. Pain I didnt know I had hurt...lmao.

 

[cubsgirl]

Thank you for sharing your story (and LMS too). i'm bipolar and I get so mad at the mental illness sometimes but your words have helped me keep it in perspective and to remember to reach out when things get bad. ((hugs))

 

[Signorina]

Thank you for sharing your story. I am amazed by your gentle strength. And your love for your h shines through your words. You are an inspiration.

 

[Hound dog]

The only pain of heard of pot helping is for glaucoma, and it helps something with the pressure aspect I think.

I don't remember the patches they had mother in law on, but I do know they were extremely strong pain medications. In addition, she took more really really strong ones orally for the break through pain. But by that point she was "supposed" to stay in her WC so that she wouldn't tend to fall. She didn't listen, of course, but that's the way they wanted it.

I wonder, if you could hire some folks to come out and really help you get the place cleared out and cleaned up..........I see adds on tv all the time about how SS pays for the scooter chairs. I'd venture to guess given your condition and level of pain you wouldn't have much problem getting them to pay for one for you too. You wouldn't have to use it except on bad days.......but it would be there when you needed it and you'd find yourself more mobile without putting more stress on already really bad joints. Have you asked about this yet? I can't remember.

 

[recoveringenabler]

PIV, I am inspired by the depth of your understanding and compassion and your resilience in the face of so much tragedy. If these illnesses don't bring those of us on the periphery down, they can give us that resilience and compassion. Both my parents had undiagnosed mental illnesses', one sibling is schizophrenic, one bi polar/aspergers/PTSD, my daughter is likely bi polar/PTSD/ADHD, my daughter's Dad was depressed. I have been in the eye of the storm since birth, struggling to find myself and where reality actually is. It's been my life's journey to not be pulled into the world of madness. Mental illness takes people one piece at a time and diminishes their world and the worlds of those around them to a degree that those outside of that world cannot understand nor have a reference point about.

When my son-in-law committed suicide, so many were so angry at him, so many blamed him for what he did, there was rage and blame all over the place. As someone who has seen what depression and mental illness does to a person, what I felt was deep sympathy for him, that he couldn't cope with whatever demons he was living with and felt he only had one way out. That is not to say that his choice did not have an enormous impact on my daughter, his children, his mother and father and siblings and on me that is unfathomable, devastating and lasting.

I believe, as you do, that life is too short to endeavor down roads some find easy to make their lives about, regret, angers, judgments, blame....................I don't walk in those shoes, I don't know what another goes through and why they make the choices they do. Mental illness has taught me to see beyond what is before me and to look deeper, to recognize the person underneath the madness, the addiction, the facade. Sometimes no easy task. Reading your post makes me feel that you have been to hell and back and on that path, you learned acceptance. I've learned that too. Life is hard. Life is full of suffering. Accepting what is liberates us. There is joy after the storms subside. I am proud of you for gaining wisdom and finding meaning in the suffering. You are a wise and loving warrior. Thank you for giving us your experience, it is a very powerful gift.

 

[DammitJanet]

RE...powerful words.

 

[Star*]

Pigless,

To overcome a series of events like the one you've lived through and ba able to share it with friends is more appreciated than you'll ever know. Somehow in all the wierdness and scarieness of mental illness, especially when it gets to this level? You actually begin to believe you're alone in the madness. Death is never anything anyone wants to face alone, but to face the preamble to insanity like this makes you feel absolutely and utterly isolated. The way you told your story? Gave me peace about so many questions I've wondered about - for years. Was it something said, or done? And you can talk it out with a therapist - but until you literally see someone else survive it? Have lived it, and know it wasn't just your life? Tangible? It's like having company in the boat (so to speak) -

Thank you for being brave enough to share it.....answer doubts - and soften memories.

I believe your family - all of them - will be at peace now. I am sorry for your loss of such a brilliant man. But I am glad he had the heart to leave behind such a wonderful woman.

Much love & Hugs
Star