How it went, and que sera, sera

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by witzend, Nov 28, 2008.

  1. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    So, M and his girlfriend came last night for Tday. It didn't seem too weird. I wish I had gotten a bigger turkey. The girl seems nice but I don't know who long she has known him. They both seemed very reserved. She seemed to be very reserved to the point of suspicion, but maybe that's just my suspicion that M has "poor me'd" himself to everyone he knows and some he doesn't.

    L called on Tuesday and asked if she had Xmas morning at her house would we come? I said yes. She said "I don't know if my dad will come, so maybe we won't." What is that supposed to mean? She wanted to goad me into saying that I wouldn't go, so that she could make the Scrooge of Christmas again. I'm not the Scrooge, I'm just not going to pretend that dolling up the house and buying things she won't use makes me feel like I did the right thing. She's nearly 26, it's time for her to get her own traditions.

    Something else came to me today. She still wants a big load of Christmas gifts from me, and thinks that I won't make waves by not preparing to go to her house in front of a bunch of other people without an armload. I'm not anyone's Santa Claus anymore. If she does Christmas I'll get her a token gift. Her dad and grandparents give her too much already. She doesn't have to do anything for housing, food, car, (designer) clothing, and she's living rent free with her boyfriend... She's going to have to find something else to be joyous about this year!

    Personally, I'll figure out something really nummy to eat, and call that good.
  2. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am glad Thanksgiving went pretty well.

    As for L and Xmas, I would be suspicious that she would invite the relatives she wants you to re-unite with. It is just what came to me when I read about it. I hope I am wrong, very wrong.

    I agree you are not Santa for anyone. If anything, be Santa to YOURSELF. Get her whatever makes YOU happy to give her. Certainly by 26 the "expectations" should be out of Xmas. MAbye a book on independence? But that would probably be snarky. And notin tune with the meaning of the season.

    Just only do what YOU are comfortable with. Just as her dad should do what HE is comfortable with.

    Sending hugs, I am sorry that planning for the holidays requires such an advanced degree in strategies.
  3. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Well, luckily these are not my family, and that is not who she is pushing me towards all of the time. But I had set down the law that I was not doing big Christmas when no one wanted to come to my house and I wasn't invited anywhere. And I didn't hear anything about her boyfriend's family, and it's his house. I mean, she doesn't go to his family for Christmas and they have been dating and quasi living together for 4 years! What's that about? I don't think his family will be coming to their (his) house, either.

    I'm not going to sweat it for now. I hate being so suspicious, but this is exactly the same time she started picking on me last year. And she's so much more manipulative than that she would want to do anything nice. I guess we'll see, but I swear, this is the last thread (other the likely upcoming "I told you so" one) that you're going to find me wasting much thought on it. I honestly find it more unbelievable than anything right now. But, it's her party, so if it does actually happen, good or bad, it's all on her. I'm not fighting about who does or doesn't love someone.
  4. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Sounds like a pretty good attitude toward the entire thing.

    She has been dating/living with this guy for 4 years and doesn't go to his family for holidays, nor does he come to hers? That is a bit odd, but if it works for them

    I know my inlaws find me strange to the nth degree. I honestly think husband had a better visit with them because I wasn't there than he would have with me there. (He went to his dad and step mom's for thanksgiving, I felt cruddy and didn;t go. twas the ideal holiday for Thanksgiving for me. very peaceful.)

    anyway, when I posted I was remembering all the pressure and manipulations she put on you last year. I hope this year you can remember that she is old enough to be her OWN Santa, and that YOU are off that particular hook.

    You also can use my Aunt's lins, "I don't think I would enjoy that." said in a rather firm but very pleasant voice. It is so much harder to fight that with rudeness than if you had said, "No" or "I don't want to do that.".

    I hope this is a pressure free gathering, or at least that you can arrange to spend a good portion of the holiday doing something YOU want to do. A short trip might be rejuvenating. Even if it is just to a local motel with a couple of good books!
  5. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Sigh. Sounds like the manipulations are already starting. Well, if her father doesn't want to come, that's on him, not you. Hope you can find a way to remind her of that.

    Okay, I understand her attitude on the gifts. If she's always gotten a bunch from you, she's going to expect that continue until grandkids come into the picture -- then they get the bunch. Doesn't mean you have to give her bunch, just means she's going to expect a bunch because, well, it's Christmas and you're the momma. I love how a friend of mine handled this. She gave her daughter a beautiful card and one nice gift. In the card was a note saying she usually spent $500 on her daughter. However, she had decided that her daughter had enough things and had used the $500 and adopted a family who had nothing. She then gave a specific list of what was purchased and for whom. It was hard for her daughter to be upset about not getting when she knew it was making another family so happy. This has now become an annual tradition with both mother and daughter adopting families. They now wrap boxes with notes inside saying "this is the sweater for Johnny, age 8," etc. Who knows, you might even start a great tradition.

    In the meantime, I agree. It is time to do for you. If you think L is going to be a manipulative brat, then don't go and enjoy a day doing exactly what YOU want. Christmas is a time of giving -- not just to others but also to yourself. Sometimes the best gift you can give anyone is giving yourself a day of R&R.
  6. Jena

    Jena New Member

    Good morning,

    First of all I am sorry to hear that your stress (on any level) is beginning over the next holiday.

    I'm going to give my two cents lol, yet I am not "up" on what you went thru last year. You were all "blessed" :angel:with me last January lol, so I wasn't around for the holidays than.

    Yet from what you wrote L is 26, living with boyfriend for 4 years and last year you had a rough time of it in regards to the holidays. I'm going to take a line from my Mom who is believe it or not teaching me a whole lot this past year in regards to boundaries. She says "I've raised my children, all 4 of you, I'm no longer doing the big holidays, i've done them for years, I'm also not catering to any type of "drama". I deserve to experience my holidays in the most stressfree and enjoyable way possible."

    She's a little over 60 now, and has officially drawn the line with me boyfriend, my brothers their girlfriends and wives. I don't blame her either.

    So, I don't think inviting you and stating would you like to come spend christmas morning here, well if so and so doesn't come i don't know if i'll do it. hmm that isn't a true invite. no, sorry your her mother. Nor should you be expected to bring tons of gifts for her at 26, and i also agree it's time for her to start her own traditions now. Fact that her and boyfriend do not share the holidays in a sense with either family going to the other's is a bit odd i will have to say. I wouldn't blame you for being suspicious with whatever strife you had to go through last year, I would be also.

    So, anyhow I think you should lay the law down once again, and hopefully things will fall into place. I'm quite sure knowing you now the way I have come to thru here you have gone above and beyond on many a holiday and other events as well and you don't need or deserve any type of holiday drama this year.

    So, there's my two cents for what it's worth. I hope you have a good day, and don't have to deal with anything stress over it. :)
  7. mrscatinthehat

    mrscatinthehat Seussical

    Many hugs. Don't you just love the holiday manipulations. Makes one want to be so joyous.

  8. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Oh Jeez, Witz, here she goes again. I love your attitude though about making the holiday and celebrating it the way you want to. No one can dictate to you how you should spend it, where you should spend it, or how far out of your way to go to make it good for them. Either the invite is out there, regardless of whoever else is invited, or the invite is not out there. As a caution, I think I would find out whether or not it's a definite invite by a certain date so you can make alternative plans if need be, say by December 10th. Anyway, you sound very good. Really.

    Regarding M and his girlfriend - is it possible that her behavior was just a reflection of his nervousness? And you don't know how much he shared with her and what - iow, what are her preconceived notions about you and your relationship with M. I'm glad the time you spent together overall went well - it's all we can hope for. But I would not read too much into the girlfriend or her behavior.

    Hugs - you've earned the right to be suspicious.
  9. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Thanks all for listening to me stress about this - again. Jennifer, I won't go into the details of last Christmas. Suffice it to say it ended with me screaming that I would never do Christmas in any way shape or form again, and stomping a wise man to smithereens. I have since modified it to be willing go to a family member's house if they should invite me.

    L is at this point doing Christmas but only if her father agrees to come with his girlfriend. I don't care if they come or not. I don't care whether anyone comes or not. The way I figure it, I can behave well enough for an hour or so and I should hope everyone else can as well. That's not always been the case, though. It's the "well, I might not do it if Dad doesn't come" when I said "yes" that got me to thinking that this is not really an invitation so much as it is an electric cattle prod set to "stun".

    As usual, I bought my Christmas gift for myself on Black Friday. I got a new laptop, which I can use for work and deduct as an expense. I have someone interested in buying my old one, so hopefully it will be fairly inexpensive. I will look for a nice jacket for husband, and that's going to be about it. My gift list isn't going to change depending upon where we go or who we see. husband and I are helping to organize a feeding hungry children during school break thing, and that is where our primary energy will go this Christmas. I feel good about that!
  10. Jena

    Jena New Member

    That's a great idea organizing something to feed the hungry children, i think that's great and def something to put energy into. I'm sorry I didnt' want you to rehash last year, I just was trying to figure it out from what you wrote. Yet I sensed it was something like that. Such unneeded drama over the holidays, isn't there?? I'm glad you went ahead and made your decision on what you will be doing.

    The labtop sounds cool, it's amazing the deals you can get on black friday. I've heard of them yet not brave enough yet to try it. I see your point with the invitation to go, yet I agree as you everyone can make effort for an hour or so to get along.

    It's funny they hardly ever portray holidays this way in the movies, do they?? Yet I did see a new movie out with- reese witherspoon I love her and that guy where their christmas is all screwed up! I want to go see that.
  11. Star*

    Star* call 911

    She literally kicked the Christmas *** across the room.


    I'm really really at a loss when it comes to your L. The stunts she pulled last year? I'm still reeling about because only you and I know what you and I went through last year. Never again is right.

    Was she trying to goad you into something with the I dunno if my dad will come. WHat?? At the same time - like DRINKS AT 6:00 -hoping to see fireworks from Daddy and Mummy? OMG! The less you see of that man - the better off you will be for life. But that's not M's style. I think she's still burning her candle at both ends....more flames for YOU I belive.

    What happened to going on a cruise? - oh oh....and picking ME up on the way - Hmm?????

    Just wondering about the angle here.....
  12. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Sad to say, the economy happened to going on a cruise. I am considering it an "un-invitation" at this point. I can't decide whether she is being antagonistic, or if she is just so stupid that she can't figure out "would you like to spend xmas with me but only if everyone else is too, because they're who I actually want to spend it with" is kind of an insult.
  13. Star*

    Star* call 911


    i don't know that there really is a way you could rise above this OTHER than to know that her thinking is skewed to begin with....

    To me this is like the relative that asks everyone in advance "what are you doing for X holiday?" and when they have little to no plans she sees it as an opportunity to throw a party or be the hostess with the mostest. Then invites go out, peoples lives change and they call and decline her invitation - so she just methodically goes down the list until she has in her brain enough bodies to constitute throwing a party. Whatever her magic number is - is unimportant - WHO the people that represent the numbers are is unimportant - she's got party on the brain. So maybe it isn't you after all.

    Reminds me of a girl I know that sells literally EVERYTHING on the side. I haven't talked to her for almost 8 months (she got a steady Eddie) so I don't even get as much as a call - when she had NO ONE? She called my house at all hours....just going on and on about men - would I like to go out, would I like to have "dinner" (at a bar) - no thank you....don't drink, don't smoke, not trolling. If I want "smoked" food - I'll go to a steak house.

    And now all of a sudden? I'm getting invitations to jewelry parties, candle parties, come to my grandbabies birthday party -never met the kid. Can you come to a cookie party? How does she justify that? It USED to peeve me to no end. I mean - NO calls all year long, unless you want to talk trash (and I don't) about men - and then no contact for months and then "OH come to my party!!!" "Gosh I miss you" scrawled in the bottom corner of a preprinted company friendly postcard.

    So maybe it's like that - and she's not able to discern ???? Doesn't make you feel any better that you even GOT an invitation - because we all want to feel like we're special or that our invite was meaningful - BUT some people just can't bridge that gap - and so everyone gets an invite - they don't mean to hurt our feelings, BUT - they do. So we decline -

    And I've been there plenty - I'm past it all now - I just get the invite and toss it in the trash or now DF will - he knows I'm not going to any party - and the odd thing is? NO ONE EVER calls and says "WE missed you at the party." so that tells me a bunch about where the invitation came from to begin with.

    Sorta like - Well I'd like to get Grandmas crystal punch bowl out of the attic and make a fruit punch - but not if 3 people are showing up - I just don't give them any reason to complain about having to go up the stairs to get it. lol

    Maybe?? I dunno. Hugs.
  14. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    1. Go to Priceline dot com.
    2. Get ticket to Chicago.
    3. Come to my house.
    4. Join me in finding something nummy to eat.
    5. Go into a cookie induced coma.
  15. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Kitty, I went for chinese this afternoon in my favorite restaurant. They have a full wall of mirrors next to the table I was seated at. My :censored2: was huge! No cookies! But Chicago sounds fun! I wish... At least there's not pirates, like on a cruise. There aren't pirates, right?
  16. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat


    Pirates are in Pittsburgh.
    We have harmless Cubs. Really harmless Cubs.
  17. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Apparently, pirates are trying to board cruise ships! That's the reason I'm using for not going on a cruise this Christmas. It sounds so much better than "We can't afford it"!
  18. Star*

    Star* call 911

    What a dilema -

    Stay in the freezing snow - shiver me timbers.
    Go on a cruise ship with Pirates - hear - shiver me timbers.

    yeah I think I'll use that one too Witz - lol