How long to keep him under my thumb...

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Tymica, Feb 10, 2014.

  1. Tymica

    Tymica Member

    So things at home have been going pretty well with difficult child. Normal teen stuff like a messy room and too much video games, but I will take that any day over drugs and break ins. He has even been asking to hang out with me and go to some basketball games, which has always been "our" thing but he hasn't wanted to do that with me for a long time. So things are looking up on that end, but its only been a few weeks. Here is my conundrum-- He asked me about going to the school courtwarming dance this Friday night. He has also asked about a few other school activities such as a volleyball tournament that is a fundraiser for united way. I havent allowed him any freedom since all of this happened. On 1 hand I just want to keep him in the house and never let him see or talk to anyone ever again for fear of relapse, but I know at some point I will have to loosen the reigns a little. Is it too soon? How can I be sure he is where he says he is and doesn't find some way to manipulate the situation and go use? I obviously don't and shouldn't trust him, but how can he ever build any trust if we don't give him the chance. Juat seems like darned if you do, damned if you don't.

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  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I'm not sure w hat to tell you. You're right, of course. You can't keep him in forever or he'll sneak out. My daughter used to get out at night through her window. And anywhere he goes, he could find his crowd and do things that you don't want him to do. And, if he is using drugs, he will lie to you because drug users lie.

    I don't remember your story specifically. It would be helpful if you did a signature, like I did below your post to help jolt our memories. Does he go to school? If so, he is coming into contact with people who are not the greatest. The fact is, the older they get, the less control we have, but we do have some playing points if they are not yet eighteen (or even if they are). First, we can drive them to and from each event. If they may possibly get intoxicated, I would tell him he has not yet earned your trust to drive again and that this will take a while. You can drug test him after he gets home from any event (it's not perfect, but it may curtail his activities). You can give him an early curfew when you will be there to pick him up, which will give him less time to "hang out." I used to tell my daughter I was going to drive by the event she was at to make sure she was actually there. I didn't always do it, but sometimes I did. And sometimes she wasn't there.

    I got accused angrily of "you don't trust me!"

    I said, "You have to earn my trust back and it will take a long time."

    In the end, she never did straighten out in our house and we had to make her leave. And homeschooling her the last two years, refusing to let her drive our vehicles (hiding the keys too) and thinking I had my eye on her all the time didn't work. I don't know how she did it, but she still got and used drugs. So, in a way, we ARE damned if we do and damned if we don't, however once our kids are in their teens there is no way we can 100% know what they are up to. We can just try.

    I'm sorry you are in this situation. It isn't fun. Sometimes it feels like a losing battle, like we've lost control of our own kids. You can always do rehab again if he slips...and I'd let him know that. Big hugs.
  3. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    First, I am sorry, I don't know your background...

    But from reading your post, I can say that you must first understand that you are powerless over his addiction. You cannot stop anyone from using. That is something that took me a long time to learn.

    If you keep him locked up, it could backfire. Give him too much freedom and things could go awry.

    I would make rules that you can contol. Curfew, respect, rules of the house, etc.

    School functions aren't a bad thing. Perhaps drug test him when he returns from outings until you feel that you can trust him?