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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 66944" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>WW, I hear you on the respect thing. If you do feel you have confidence in yourself and value yourself, I'm glad to be wrong. But if I can misjudge you, is your difficult child also misjudging you? My excuse is, I'm far away. He's a difficult child, even though he's there with you. Plus, these kids will tend to "let it all hang out" when they feel safest and most secure.</p><p></p><p>You certainly didn't sound weak in your post, but you did sound very introspective and negative. That may have simply been because you are, with us, allowing yourself the luxury of sharing these very deep feelings with us. I know if I began to do that, I would be wallowing in a sea of apparent self-despair in very short time. It's like, I avoid going to funerals, because all my pain surfaces and I'm such a blubbering wreck, I make it even worse for the bereaved families. Some people say, it's cathartic to get your grief out in the open; it does you good to cry. And for a lot of people this may be so. But not for me. I've learnt this one.</p><p></p><p>What I felt from you was a sense of despair that you don't seem to be able to change or prevent the bad stuff in your life, and you don't seem to experience (or notice, when you DO experience) any good stuff.</p><p></p><p>That really has me worried for you. I have felt that bad - especially when I first had to face having become permanently disabled, crippled because of some stupid, selfish accident by a lazy lout where I worked. And he never had a clue what damage he had done to me. I had a toddler sitting on my lap and tears pouring down my face as I talked to my doctor about how I felt - it could have been your initial post. And he said, "What about this little treasure?" She had at this stage climbed up on his lap. I told him that I could care for her and I loved her of course, but it took none of the pain away, nor any of the sense of utter failure.</p><p></p><p>I have managed to move on. But in my situation, it was triggered by a crisis. In your case it sounds like you've been slowly brewing for this, not having the emotions suddenly hit you as a result of a sudden major life change. And if it's built up slowly, that's not good. You have adapted as it's built up, it's a lot harder to find normality when you've forgotten what it feels like.</p><p></p><p>Try and think back ten years. Five years. Picture your life as it was then. Make an effort to remember good times as well as bad. Write them down, if it will help stay on task. Then project into the future. Be sensible, be realistic. In 10 years' time, will difficult child still be living with you? If so, why? Will he have a job? Will he still need to be dragged out of bed to go to school? Will he still need the same level of care?</p><p></p><p>I would venture to suggest - no, he won't need you anywhere near as much. Nor should he. Our difficult children often need us for longer, but even those who may never be able to leave home and live independently (difficult child 3 being a likely example) will still be in a routine of sorts and living with some degree of mutual interdependence, rather than needing laces tied and noses wiped at random intervals.</p><p></p><p>Your life will change. Better? Worse? I don't know. Different? Almost certainly. You should be able to put some strategies in place to give you better quality of life. of course you probably won't be living a Paris Hilton lifestyle, but neither will I. In ten years' time, I will still be living here (I hope), pottering with my herb garden, killing my vegetable seedlings and maybe getting a bit more writing done, without needing to spend so much of my day supporting difficult child 3's education. I won't be tied to the school term any more. I'll only have me, difficult child 3 and husband to cook for. I might be able to get a part-time job, without worrying about phone calls from school or will I be home in time to be there for difficult child 3. I might get involved again in local politics, helping in a tiny way to bring about change in local issues. Or I might not - I will have the choice.</p><p></p><p>I don't know if this will help or not - it's something my parents had hanging on the wall when I was a kid. I'll see if I can remember it. It's a bit kitsch, but it MIGHT help.</p><p></p><p>"To each is given a book of rules</p><p> a shapeless mass and a bag of tools.</p><p> And each must fashion, ere life has flown</p><p> a stumbling block or a stepping stone."</p><p></p><p>Yes, I grew up in a home with texts on the walls. For my mother, the book of rules was a rigid hard-cover one! And she was determined to guide our hands very early in our own attempts to carve our own life work - she was terrified, deep down, that we would lower the standards somehow and make the worst mistakes possible. She would talk about ploughing a straight furrow, having the courage to hold the plough true. Be true to yourself. And all the time, the fear had come from her own sense of failure, imposed by others because of impossible standards to which she had been held.</p><p></p><p>So one more thing to consider - your personal standards. Are you asking or expecting too much of yourself? This isn't necessarily a need to lower standards, merely to adapt them or change direction with them. A change in priorities.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 66944, member: 1991"] WW, I hear you on the respect thing. If you do feel you have confidence in yourself and value yourself, I'm glad to be wrong. But if I can misjudge you, is your difficult child also misjudging you? My excuse is, I'm far away. He's a difficult child, even though he's there with you. Plus, these kids will tend to "let it all hang out" when they feel safest and most secure. You certainly didn't sound weak in your post, but you did sound very introspective and negative. That may have simply been because you are, with us, allowing yourself the luxury of sharing these very deep feelings with us. I know if I began to do that, I would be wallowing in a sea of apparent self-despair in very short time. It's like, I avoid going to funerals, because all my pain surfaces and I'm such a blubbering wreck, I make it even worse for the bereaved families. Some people say, it's cathartic to get your grief out in the open; it does you good to cry. And for a lot of people this may be so. But not for me. I've learnt this one. What I felt from you was a sense of despair that you don't seem to be able to change or prevent the bad stuff in your life, and you don't seem to experience (or notice, when you DO experience) any good stuff. That really has me worried for you. I have felt that bad - especially when I first had to face having become permanently disabled, crippled because of some stupid, selfish accident by a lazy lout where I worked. And he never had a clue what damage he had done to me. I had a toddler sitting on my lap and tears pouring down my face as I talked to my doctor about how I felt - it could have been your initial post. And he said, "What about this little treasure?" She had at this stage climbed up on his lap. I told him that I could care for her and I loved her of course, but it took none of the pain away, nor any of the sense of utter failure. I have managed to move on. But in my situation, it was triggered by a crisis. In your case it sounds like you've been slowly brewing for this, not having the emotions suddenly hit you as a result of a sudden major life change. And if it's built up slowly, that's not good. You have adapted as it's built up, it's a lot harder to find normality when you've forgotten what it feels like. Try and think back ten years. Five years. Picture your life as it was then. Make an effort to remember good times as well as bad. Write them down, if it will help stay on task. Then project into the future. Be sensible, be realistic. In 10 years' time, will difficult child still be living with you? If so, why? Will he have a job? Will he still need to be dragged out of bed to go to school? Will he still need the same level of care? I would venture to suggest - no, he won't need you anywhere near as much. Nor should he. Our difficult children often need us for longer, but even those who may never be able to leave home and live independently (difficult child 3 being a likely example) will still be in a routine of sorts and living with some degree of mutual interdependence, rather than needing laces tied and noses wiped at random intervals. Your life will change. Better? Worse? I don't know. Different? Almost certainly. You should be able to put some strategies in place to give you better quality of life. of course you probably won't be living a Paris Hilton lifestyle, but neither will I. In ten years' time, I will still be living here (I hope), pottering with my herb garden, killing my vegetable seedlings and maybe getting a bit more writing done, without needing to spend so much of my day supporting difficult child 3's education. I won't be tied to the school term any more. I'll only have me, difficult child 3 and husband to cook for. I might be able to get a part-time job, without worrying about phone calls from school or will I be home in time to be there for difficult child 3. I might get involved again in local politics, helping in a tiny way to bring about change in local issues. Or I might not - I will have the choice. I don't know if this will help or not - it's something my parents had hanging on the wall when I was a kid. I'll see if I can remember it. It's a bit kitsch, but it MIGHT help. "To each is given a book of rules a shapeless mass and a bag of tools. And each must fashion, ere life has flown a stumbling block or a stepping stone." Yes, I grew up in a home with texts on the walls. For my mother, the book of rules was a rigid hard-cover one! And she was determined to guide our hands very early in our own attempts to carve our own life work - she was terrified, deep down, that we would lower the standards somehow and make the worst mistakes possible. She would talk about ploughing a straight furrow, having the courage to hold the plough true. Be true to yourself. And all the time, the fear had come from her own sense of failure, imposed by others because of impossible standards to which she had been held. So one more thing to consider - your personal standards. Are you asking or expecting too much of yourself? This isn't necessarily a need to lower standards, merely to adapt them or change direction with them. A change in priorities. Marg [/QUOTE]
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