how often do you talk to your difficult "child" now adult?

[BusynMember]

Copa California is a special state, very progressive for the U.S. yet, yes, diverse.

I dont ever talk about politics in real life but never ever in over ten years heard that we are not allowed to talk about it here. There was never such a rule. We as a group just tend to not discuss politics.

I do think very intense discussions would cause rifts but I do bring things up sometimes, like now. I have never been told to stop.

At any rate, where I live the only way I hear about politics are the signs in front of homes, stickers on cars and random talk around me. I never bring it up. But my feeling is that many who voted for T, and he won here, do not want immigration, compromise and that they are indeed most often bitter white men and sometimes their wives. I hope this does not represent the country. However I have seen no compromise of the two parties practically since Reagan, who I liked very much, compromised with Tip O Neill and I also felt Clinton was awesome for the middle class. Obama had no chance. He was shut down and I feel his election angered many latent racists, thus we got T. I have never seen T compromise on anything yet his base got him elected, and can do so again. He must please them.

I would bet those TX Latinos who voted for a R govenor still mostly did not vote for T with his talk of the wall. What he now is doing to split families does not indicate compromise. So I expect things to get harder as long as he is around.

Mexicans and blacks are really on the hot seat right now. It saddens me.

I certainly hope I am wrong. And I dont think everyone who voted for T is a racist. But some are. People who voted on both sides can be racists.

 

[Lil]

I also was under the impression political talk was not approved here and I don't really want it to be anyway...this isn't the place for it. I didn't mean to start it - I'm just concerned over my son's fiancé. Cool to call her that.

It is like magic to me that he changed just like that. Who knew that all he needed was a little bit of independence and distance?

Did he? I don't really think so. Once I stopped giving him money - (Thank you Wal-Mart for requiring valid ID's) he was in quite a spot. It was figure it out or else. Luckily, he was with her and he found reason to change. He still smokes pot. He was "tending his garden" a while back. I told him unless there were tomatoes in it, I didn't want to hear about his "garden". But the fact is he can't pay his 1/3 of the rent without work and so he works. If he had any non-work-related income, I have a feeling he'd still be doing as little as possible. The other day his fiancé mentioned doing all the upkeep of the apartment and I gave her a lecture about NOT letting those men (the other roommate is male) walk all over her and expect her to clean up after them just because she's the woman! They're both perfectly capable of doing dishes and taking out trash! But son is lazy...I hope he's helping her out.

I'm just knocking wood whenever I speak of him, keeping my expectations low, and hoping for the best.

 

[AppleCori]

You are right, Lil, and I regret my post on this thread.

It wasn’t meant to be political at all, but probably crossed a line.

If a moderator sees this, I would appreciate it if they deleted my post.

 

[Copabanana]

Hi ladies. I just deleted my post. I agree. Does not sit well. Lesson learned.

It turns this into something else. Sorry for my part.

 

[AppleCori]

Hi ladies. I just deleted my post. I agree. Does not sit well. Lesson learned.

It turns this into something else. Sorry for my part.

How do you delete a post?

 

[Copabanana]

You ask runaway bunny. She will turn on a function to enable this. Also. Sometimes on the bottom of my posts there is a delete button.

 

[AppleCori]

You ask runaway bunny. She will turn on a function to enablevthis. Also. Sometimes on the bottom of my posts there is a delete button.

Thanks

 

[Lil]

Personally, I just go into "edit" then erase what I wrote.

But I don't think anyone on this tread needs to, we're all very nice to each other. Pity the whole country doesn't get along as well as us.

 

[BusynMember]

No kidding.

 

[AppleCori]

Personally, I just go into "edit" then erase what I wrote.

I can only edit within the first fifteen minutes of posting. Maybe it’s just this tablet, as I can do different things depending on the device I use.

 

[Nomad]

Over the many years I’ve heard it was not allowed.

If very brief and light it seems an acceptable exception.

 

[BusynMember]

I almost never talk about politics anyway and plenty of times religion comes up, although not in a way to demean someone else's beliefs. People try to be kind here.

I fail to see how one can discuss worrying about a beloved Mexican dealing with Americas atmosphere about this issue without all of us at least strongly thinking of politics. But we can be gentle about it if we do speak.

There are no hard and fast rules that I ever heard of regarding no religion or politics. However i think that if we turned this into a place of lots of politics, it would destroy our closeness and purpose of the forum and I trust we all know it.

 

[Tired out]

Whew..I went back to the beginning of this thread. The original question about talking to our (grown) children.
My difficult child isn't so difficult in the last 3 weeks or so. I speak with him every other day or so..a text or a call..he always initiates. I have put the ball in his court. Tonight he stopped buy. He was having trouble with ATM deposit, asked it I could do a mobile deposit for him (he doesn't have a smart phone), easy peasey . He sat and talked with his dad and I for a little over a 1/2 hour, not a swear word of complaint to be heard.What a change.
I text, snapchat, talk to or see our married daughter (25 years old) pretty much every day.
Our oldest so is special needs and he lives with us.

Politics. I think they are bad on message boards because it isn't in really time to be able to have a real conversation and see the other participants expressions, hear their tone of voice. I am sure there are valid reasons why each person who took the time to vote, voted for who they thought would be best for the country or for their world. Just because a person doesn't agree with the another person's choice it doesn't mean either person is wrong. The only people (to me ) that are wrong are the people who didn't get out and vote and now complain about who was elected. That is my view.

 

[Copabanana]

Hi tired out.

I agree with everything you say except want to add this.

I do think there are people who are wrong. I believe that with all my heart. Just as they believe I am wrong.

If I do not identify them as wrong I will not have a chance to oppose what they do and to protect my values, interests, and well being. And the same with them. What others do to voice their beliefs and protect and extend their interests, I respect.

I have had friends and do now with antithetical views to mine. We avoid politics but not completely. When it comes up I smile.

Kind of like here. I do not think most people here dislike me because I might hold different beliefs. Nor I them. But if we articulated our views here, some would find them wrong. That is why the boundaries make sense. Why go there?

The issue is the tenor of the discourse. When it becomes mean, violent, ugly, deceptive, abusive of power, corrupt, or hating, it is wrong. And I for one need to find a way to speak and act.

But I recognize this is not the place.

 

[Tired out]

Copabanana,
I think people who are mean, demean, bully, etc are wrong. No 2 ways about that.
But as far as politics and political views there is the problem of knowing what is true. We, as observers of the news never get the whole true story. Everything is always stilted one way or the other for whoever is going to gain from the report. Whether financial or fame gain. Some public people that annoy all of us would be seen in a more favorable light if they spoke with more eloquence instead of being so obnoxious. Being brash is very off putting even if we agree with the over all idea. As I watch news reports and news clips I always have to take them with a grain of salt because (as a photographer) I know very well how easy it is to edit video and photos. Things are very easily taken ( and edited to be) out of context.

 

[BusynMember]

I go by what poltical people do, how they vote, not by what is said on the news. I dont watch the news. It is better for my nerves to skip the news and just do what I can to help in my own community. I try very hard in real life not to even know the political views of others. I do tend to be drawn to people who think like me, but I dont think that is unusual. Still, politics is rarely discussed in my world. Ugh, ugh, ugh...dont like politics and politicians. Would not like it here if we had hardcore political discussions.

 

[OTE]

I'm just curious. I think all relationships have to find a pattern which is comfortable for the people in them.

Ferb does not want to share his life with me anymore. The positives are that he is working, taking care of the cat while we are at the farm, seeing his doctor and taking his medication. He is no longer the scary, angry boy that I once knew so well.

The downside is that he refuses to come to the farm. He says "ever again." That may change, but I doubt it will anytime soon. He texts me a line or two every other day. I usually have to ask him a question. He will call me if he has a question: "Mom! How do I use the dishwasher?"

I don't know many of his friends. I don't know what he does. I don't really know him very well anymore. I would like for him to be able to talk to me about his actual life, but I don't know that will ever happen again. When I do see him, I might get a "hello." At least we aren't having hideous arguments anymore.

I once knew a mother and daughter pair who called each other every night even though they also worked together. I probably wouldn't like that much contact, but more than the flippant "hello" would be an improvement.

How often do you speak, email, text, etc. your offspring?

I'm just curious. I think all relationships have to find a pattern which is comfortable for the people in them.

Ferb does not want to share his life with me anymore. The positives are that he is working, taking care of the cat while we are at the farm, seeing his doctor and taking his medication. He is no longer the scary, angry boy that I once knew so well.

The downside is that he refuses to come to the farm. He says "ever again." That may change, but I doubt it will anytime soon. He texts me a line or two every other day. I usually have to ask him a question. He will call me if he has a question: "Mom! How do I use the dishwasher?"

I don't know many of his friends. I don't know what he does. I don't really know him very well anymore. I would like for him to be able to talk to me about his actual life, but I don't know that will ever happen again. When I do see him, I might get a "hello." At least we aren't having hideous arguments anymore.

I once knew a mother and daughter pair who called each other every night even though they also worked together. I probably wouldn't like that much contact, but more than the flippant "hello" would be an improvement.

How often do you speak, email, text, etc. your offspring?

Hi! Long time! But I do have experience in this arena.

My policy is to let them initiate contact unless I have some specific concern or need. Generally I hear from both my older two about once a week. I listen to what they tell me and try to only respond if they ask me to. If they don't ask my opinion I keep it to myself. If they're doing something harmful eg quitting a good job to be jobless over something trivial I try to point out the obvious outcome. Not what they want to hear mostly but occasionally I get through and prevent the result. There are some sore points I can't touch eg girlfriends doing wrong. Those are tough listening to. But if I want the lines of communication open...

I figure that there's never been a parent with an independent child who didn't have to do this juggling. And I know from my experience with my mother that I want long term communication so I have to figure out a way. Haven't had meaningful communication with my mother in 20+ years or any at all in a few now.

 

[OTE]

Hi! Long time! But I do have experience in this arena.

My policy is to let them initiate contact unless I have some specific concern or need. Generally I hear from both my older two about once a week. I listen to what they tell me and try to only respond if they ask me to. If they don't ask my opinion I keep it to myself. If they're doing something harmful eg quitting a good job to be jobless over something trivial I try to point out the obvious outcome. Not what they want to hear mostly but occasionally I get through and prevent the result. There are some sore points I can't touch eg girlfriends doing wrong. Those are tough listening to. But if I want the lines of communication open...

I figure that there's never been a parent with an independent child who didn't have to do this juggling. And I know from my experience with my mother that I want long term communication so I have to figure out a way. Haven't had meaningful communication with my mother in 20+ years or any at all in a few now.

I got started on the topic of being judgemental on the post I started on PE forum. And I think that applies especially to dealing with our adult children. Being non-judgemental can be a learned skill. As parents of gifts from God we have all been judged thousands of times. And certainly didn't enjoy it. No one does. Our children don't. I see comments about politics on this thread. I submit that discussions about politics are unpleasant because politics is full of judgements.

There's a part of DBT therapy about being non-judgemental. I can heartily recommend it to anyone having difficulty with this.

In terms of communication with my kids... We have subjects that are not open to discussion. We both have to respect those. For example, their use of drugs is a closed topic. They know my opinions. They know I will do whatever I can do if they choose to get help. For that matter they know they can always come to me for defined kinds of help. They know I will respond to any emergency including OD. But I will never bail them out of jail, pay a court fine or otherwise help with consequences of illegal behavior. Having saud that, I do send my son in prison limited amounts of money for food, medical care, clothes and education. They know that I will hang up and refuse calls if they call me names, in any way harass me, etc. These things they've learned the hard way and like anything with our kids I am consistent in this.

There's one thing that my oldest says irrevocably changed our relationship. Some years ago he was in a prison an hour from home. Every week for a year plus I visited for the allowed 2 hours. He was happy to get out of a cell, see females, get a break from the monotony, etc. Eventually he began to look forward to it just to talk to me. He said that he began to see me as a person not just a mom. He said I treated him like an adult. Probably true as a male in prison is nothing like a child.

 

[BusynMember]

OTE, please dont leave. I agree with non judgment. I think we all do.

You are eloquent with a lot to say that could help struggling parents. Of course I respect any decision you make.

 

[OTE]

Sorry... Just posted a long reply on how I very significantly improved my relationship with my son which seems to have been lost.