How old to too old???

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by everywoman, Apr 4, 2009.

  1. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Jana has been seeing an older man---he is 29--she will be 20 in Nov. husband is 7 years older than I am---he was 32 when we married. He had never been married and had no children. I was 25 and divorced with one child. This guy is divorced, lives at home with his mother to save some money, and has a 2 year old and 4 year old. That is not the dream I had for her, but I also know that she will do what she wants to do. Parenting adults is harder than raising toddlers.
  2. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    My husband is eight years older than I am...but it was a second marriage for both of us and we each had three children. That evened it out a bit. My Ex and I were almost the same age and had almost everything in common. I think that it was beneficial that we shared so many "firsts", particularly in the areas of parenting. We were both inexperienced and tried to do our best. It was fun (some of the time) and being on the same level was a major bonding experience. I'd hate to be young and try to step up to the plate as your daughter is trying to do. on the other hand, it is hard to figure what works and what doesn't. My Ex and I split after ten years and I havent had a single regret about that. DDD
  3. Jungleland

    Jungleland Welcome to my jungle!

    My daughter was 20 when she started seeing her now fiance. He was 29. He has never been married, no children (her either) so there are no complications in that respect. I really feel my daughter is alot more mature than he is, even now. So, no answer for your question other than I believe age is just a number, I go more on how emotionally mature the involved parties are. My daughter and her fiance have a wonderful relationship and I am not sure she could have dealt with a guy closer to her age, she is that mature.

    Hugs, Vickie
  4. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I was 21 when husband and I started dating. He was 32. We got married less than a year later. it was a first marriage for each of us and neither of us had kids. He had been engaged 2 times previously but both were short lived engagements.

    My parents never had a problem with his age, though I am pretty sure his mom did have one with my age.

    husband even student taught in my jr high - while I was a student there, though I never had him as a teacher. We only realized it when speaking of people in town we knew. I was in 8th grade and he student taught 9th grade science. After we were married my mom told me she knew he was "the one" the night I brought him home to watch a movie (his roomie was smoking pot and neither one of us wanted to be around it). He fell asleep with his head on my lap. Mom says we just looked so comfortable together that she knew.

    I guess the whole age thing depends more on maturity levels than anything. At least it worked that way for us.

    All you can do is trust her. Keep your eyes open and offer advice IF she asks for it.
  5. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    My neice married a guy much older than her with 3 kids. My Mom calls them soul mates. It clicked right from the start and they seem very happy together. by the way she's doing a bang up job parenting those step kids along with the one's they have together. She was all of 18 when they were married, I think he was 28.

    husband is 16 yrs my senior. I married him at 19. Of all the things that have caused issues in our marriage.....age has never been a factor for either of us. mother in law never seemed to have an issue with it, but boy did my Mom. lol

    I don't have the "age issue" all I care about is if the relationship is good or bad. And that doesn't have anything to do with age.

  6. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    My daughter started seeing her now husband when she was 16. At the time he was 23 - but we didnt know it! She hid it from us well. He is young looking for his age and she told us he was 19. Little did I know he had already graduated from college and she was still in high school. When we found out how old he was we said they couldnt see each other - so he started coming over to the house and hanging out there because we really didnt know what the attraction (my daughter is beautiful) was because he was so much older than her - well he kept coming over and they finally asked if they could go out to eat, etc. and therest is history. They are now married and so far so good.
  7. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    What is your biggest worry...the age or the fact that kids are involved? Is it that she is essentially a stepmom at 20 to a 4 and 2 year old? How does she do with the kids?

    I dont know. I have no girls so I dont know how I would feel in this situation. Girls do seem to date older guys and she is 20 so she is out of her teens. She has been through a lot of stuff so she is probably pretty mature for her age. This may be a good relationship for her. Wait and see. You may have two new grandkids to love!
  8. skeeter

    skeeter New Member

    My dad was 14 years older than my mom. Since my dad only had an eighth grade education, and my mom was born in August, my dad "technically" was done with school before my mom was born!

    husband is 10 years older than me. But his first wife was 17 years younger! Pretty bad when he had to marry ME to get more maturity!!!!

    My son's wife is older than he is (by 6 months). The first apartment they got had a policy of only renting to those 21 and older. She had to be the primary renter on the lease because she was 21, he was still 20, even though he was the one with the full time job!!!
  9. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Probably my biggest concern is that there are children involved. While Jana is quite mature, has been through an awful lot, and does love children, she is not the "motherly" type. She is still spoiled rotten by us. She is not used to not getting what she wants because she has never had to want for anything---we have been very fortunate because even though she is a spoiled, she is not bratty. But nonetheless, she is used to being the princess in her world. I want her to finish her education, have a successful career, be able to support herself---she is so smart and capable.
  10. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    EW...I can understand the reason Jana is the "princess" in your family. She is the youngest child, only girl, two older brothers. Recipe for princesshood. I am sure she has never wanted for

    Hopefully she will still finish her education. While she may not have been around many kids, she has been around her nephew so she has that bit of experience. This may also show her that she doesnt want to jump into having any kids of her own lickety split. I am assuming this guy only has the kids part time right? Who All you can do is sit back and watch. kids are hard!
  11. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    I think it has a lot to do with the people involved, the maturity level of each, their compatibility, etc. The fact that he has children does complicate things. Hopefully your daughter's sense of self is strong enough to not allow her to be swayed by her emotions and she will still pursue the goals she has set for herself. And hopefully, if this guy is serious about her, he understands the importance of her achieving those goals and respects them.

    My brother is getting married (for the first time) to a woman (also her first marriage) who is 8 1/2 years his junior (he's 40, she's 32). He's dated women who were older as well as younger. I think he's just finally grown up (to a degree) and is ready for a permanent relationship.
  12. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Her age in relation to his children is what would be my worry. I would worry that she will be an instant 'mom', even if it's part time and based on my own daughter's ages, pc21 and gfg19, I would be concerned that they were 'giving up' a piece of their 20's too soon. I think there is so much more maturing to be done yet throughout their 20s. If he didn't have children, I would not be so concerned.

    Anyway, that's my .02~
  13. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    You put my concerns into exactly rithe right words Jog---I don't want her jumping into a situation that she will later regret--I want her to enjoy her 20's---have fun, travel, find herself before she becomes someone's wife and mommy to two children...

    My first husband was 17 years my senior. I thought I was grown when I married him. I learned a lot about who I was and what I wanted in life during our brief marriage. I really forced myself to grow up too soon. I don't want that for my daughter.
  14. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I dunno. K was 3 when husband and I married. I never had an issue with it. Of course we didn't have her full time or even every other weekend. Distance made that impossible. But we did have her for 2 weeks over xmas and a month or 2 in the summer.

    I will say, however, that because of what life delt me, I was far more mature than other peers in their early 20's. That's what had attracted me to husband in the first place.

    I understand your concerns. But your daughter just might surprise you on her mothering capabilities, I mean afterall, she did have a great example. :D And you could/should encourage her to go ahead with her education regardless of where the relationship with this guy goes. Many young parents continue to attend college and make it work.

  15. ML

    ML Guest

    I have a friend who is 17 years younger than her husband. She said that it was fine when they were younger but now that she is 53 and he's 70 it's harder. She's not ready to be old yet.
  16. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    I'm 12 years younger than my husband, and it's never caused a problem for us. I think I've always been an old soul, and husband is very young at heart, so we meet in the middle. (Sometimes I feel like the older one ;-)

    And strangely, although my Step-D is only 9 years younger than I am, she does look to me for "mom" stuff, which surprised me in the early days but makes perfect sense now.

    Things can certainly get complicated when children are involved, but I think the success of the relationship really depends on the people involved. What might be overwhelming for one person might be just right for another.

    Jana seems like a mature girl, and she's had a great example of how to be a mom. I think time will tell her whether this is the right situation for her. All you can do is wait, and hope.

  17. Star*

    Star* call 911

    I think with 2 kids that age and her wanting to be the center of someone's world it will work it's way out eventually -Mothers who tend to let their boys live at home with children are a little (in my humble opinion) more knowledegeable about what is going on in their son's relationships - most don't WANT another grandchild living with them - lol.

    I dated a guy VERY briefly who had six kids and was separated...he said divorced. When I met his Mother? Oh wow - the questions I got asked at 30 years of age were like - ARE YOU SERIOUS? "How involved are we? and in front of my son she asked if we were intimate. OMG I nearly freaked..then she said something about when he got his divorce, and that his wife was coming over for the cookout - and I politely asked to be taken home. Things you just never consider THE EX wives involvement with her children, how she is going to tell YOU how to be with them, and the mother of the man you are dating who LOVES the ex wife and would love for you to drop dead so her son will move himself and his visiting children out of her home.

    Yeah - ask J about THAT. lol - :sick: