how to deal with other family members that enable

meowbunny

New Member
It hurts watching your child make bad choices. I know, I've been there and will probably be there again soon. Who knows? Maybe your son will try his dad for a month or two and decide it is not helping him and want to come to your home. Stranger things have happened.

For now, though, it really sounds like you have little choice in any of this. Whether your ex and his wife are good choices is truly irrelevant. If they enable, they enable. No matter what, there is little you can do. You can be angry at them, but why waste the emotion? It is your son's choice.

Do what you can for your grandchild. The baby truly doesn't factor into the equation of your son's decisions.
 

jbrain

Member
Well, chiming in here after reading all the replies, my 2 cents worth is that you need a huge dose of detachment. You cannot control the situation and will only drive yourself crazy trying to do so. You are now worrying about the sponsor. You can worry all day about all of this and it just won't help. Your son is 22 years old--time for him to take full responsibility for his recovery. I really have doubts that this 30 day program is going to completely turn him around anyway. Most addicts do relapse, takes more than a 30 day stint in a rehab--this is only the beginning. But regardless, he has to decide what to do and he has to own his recovery.

The best thing you can do for him and for yourself is to live your own life regardless of what he does or doesn't do and regardless of biodad's involvment. All of your worry, checking into things, advice, etc. will not make a difference in his recovery if he isn't buying into it for himself. And you won't know if he is serious until he is out of rehab and actually walking the walk. And he can't walk the walk if you are trying to control it. You have no control over his stepmom who is also trying to be in charge of his recovery and I expect that is extremely frustrating. You are afraid she is going to screw up his chance at recovery. But you can't change that situation and getting totally involved and trying to prevent her from screwing things up isn't going to help. You can only control you.

I hope I don't sound harsh, I really do feel for you, I just think you will be able to feel better about everything if you give up trying to control the situation. I know you have said you are a person who likes to plan ahead but sometimes you just have to let go and let things play out the way they will. I found with my dtr that it was a great relief when I realized I couldn't fix her or her life and let her have the responsibility. I figured she would really screw up and she did for a few years but she finally stepped up to the plate when she was ready to do so--her timetable, not mine.

Take care,
Jane
 

jmama45

New Member
I hear ya all. I am doing what I can do to learn so when and IF I am asked by him for anything, I will be able to evaluate what part I should or shouldn't take. This post is my brain trying to figure out where to put this all in my head.

I have not discussed ANY of this with my son. I do not know if he was spoken to about her plan yet. I have no idea what he is thinking his future looks like, other than how hard it will be when he gets out as he told girlfriend that. So I know he realizes that much.

For now, I am letting myself feel the emotions of anger, frustration and pain... that is what I need to do to move past it.

I have always been quiet mouthed. I dont tell people what I am thinking, I dont just blurt out things or do things to people with no thought, as I believe in thinking before you speak. But as I get older, I am finding I want to use that voice LOL!

I guess that is what my struggle is with my son right now, when to say what, how to say it, what can he handle, am I going to make it worse... that sort of thing.

I dunno what I am doing and I am not afraid to say so!
 

jmama45

New Member
I took a new action. I had the thought of writing to his teacher/counselor, the one he looks up to. The same person who is working a relaease plan with difficult child.

He is due to get out next week, that is if he doesn't get held on anther case he has. So becaue I do not know what is best for him, I wrote to the counselor and gave him difficult child's thorough history and his options of where he could stay on relaease and my concerns for each. Asked for advice and at the least, he would have more info on difficult child and be able to plan what is best for him. He is the professional, I figure that he will have a better idea of what to do from here.

I will be at court and I plan on talking to difficult child the day he gets out. A long overdue talk. That is all I can do for now... but it is something constructive.
 

saving grace

New Member
Hmmm, You know whats best for you and for your son. I dont think the letter was a good idea, That person is your sons "person" you violated his privacy. If he wanted your input or needed it he would have asked. That man cant even talk to you unless difficult child gives written permission to do so. You may have pushed difficult child further away, you have no idea what he has told him or how their relationship has been built.
Just my 2 cents. Sorry Jmama, I dont mean to sound harsh I know your coming for support and advice but I have to tell the truth others may feel different.

Grace
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Well, I agree too that the letter shouldn't have been sent. The point is, you have no control over his treatment. At his age, it's up to him. I'm not sure what you want to talk to him about, but if it's trying to get him to do things your way, I think it will backfire. So far, sorry, but your way hasn't worked to change him. That's because you can't...you have no power to do that...in fact he can push you away for being too intrusive. His sponsor's credentials are his business, not yours. I'm also sorry to be harsh, but in my opinion it would be best if you kept your opinion out of it. Nothing is being done to this adult male that will damage him, except the things that he is doing to himself. I think sometimes our riding the adult kids can make them rebel and do just the opposite. He has to decide for himself to change his life. And he has to do it his way. You violated his confidence by telling the counselor things about your son that he may not have disclosed and I doubt he'll talk to you at all (the counselor) unless your son agrees to allow it. I would not have done that...jmo.
 

rejectedmom

New Member
People with problems who feel they have let someone close to them down are not comfortable living with that person. They want a clean slate and they cannot have it with the very people that care about them the most. Even if you had given your difficult child the option of living with you, he might have chosen not to. It isn't that you aren't a good person nor is it that you didn't always have his best intrest at heart. It is about what he feels comfortable with that will bring him the most success. He has been offered a job a living arrangement and abuse counciling. Was it offered for competive reasons on you ex's part? who knows and really that has little relevance when it comes to you son's recovery.

Even though I have been accused of abandoning my son and have been critised openly by some,I have turned my son over to a group home and a rehabilitation program. It is not ideal but then what is? He is living in a horrible neighborhood. His housemates are people with a history of addictions and/or mental illness and/or mental retardation but my difficult child is doing fairly well. He has 24 hour support, he has rules and structure and medical and psyciatric care. He also has more freedom than I think he should. But the situation works on many levels and the very best thing is that I no longer feel that I have to be my son's parole officer, police officer, therapist etc. I am now free to just love him and be his mom.

It is hard to let go. It is really hard to give up managing a problem when it isn't yet fixed... but when you do let go and you learn to accept alternatives and you learn that there are more than one solution to any given problem, you also learn a whole different way of living. When you apply that to life with a difficult child some nice things can happen. You learn to trully enjoy not being a part of their chaous and not worry over it constantly. You learn to enjoy whatever good times you have with them while you can have them. You learn to live your own life and not be consumed with theirs. It can be very healing. So, while this may not be an ideal situation in your opinion, it may be a good one. At any rate you must accept that it is not your choice to make. Try to focus on the positives and try to learn another way of relating to you son. The fact that your son may give this plan a try isn't about you. It's about the options he was given and what he thinks he can handle. -RM
 

goldenguru

Active Member
I do not know what is best for him

With all due respect - I get the sense that you very much think you know what's best for him. You were adamant that he should not go live with bio dad. You were angry that they had found a sponsor, found a job, were providing him a roof over his head. You were quite angry that they were enabling him. You were sure he couldn't come back and live with you.

I agree with the others that the letter was a violation of healthy boundaries.

Unless he comes to you for advise - try really hard not to offer it. Unless his parole officer, or therapist calls asking your advise - try really hard not to offer it. Unless biodad calls and asks your opinion upon his release - try really hard not to offer it.

Step one of the 12 step process toward sobriety, strength and serenity: We admitted we were powerless over drugs and other people’s lives – that our lives had become unmanageable.

You are powerless mom. Over him. Over his choices. Over his drug abuse.
 

jmama45

New Member
We are have our own way of dealing with these things. I am sure you all do what you feel is right, so do I. I am sure my letter was a good thing :smile:

difficult child called me yesterday, he said the counselor pulled him aside after class and told him he recieved a letter from me (I gave him permission to do so) and that he was only half way through it and wanted to talk about it again later, BUT that he is there for him and will do what ever he can for him. He invited him to his AA meetings to try out too. My son was not mad at all, actually he was very happy with it and told me that he was making plans, that he wanted therapy when he got out and that it was long overdue. He talked about things he knew he had to do. He told me they taught him to not try to go it alone and that support from the people who loved him was what he needed. There is no doubt he knows my intention with the letter and welcomed it. I didn't push him away at all. My son knows he is loved by his family and he would never, even in his worst day, be mad at us for trying to reach him. He has been very open with his thoughts to me. He said he will be finding a sponsor for himself, but he will talk to that one she set up to get himself started. He is wide open to taking support. He can decide the details as he goes, he knows he has plenty of people to turn to when he has questions. He won't do what he doesn't want to do. He knows he is in the drivers seat.

The ultimate decisions are up to him. But he will have a clear set of options, what each can offer, and he can sift through them. The counselor will be able to help him figure out whats best for him, and give him advice through his knowledge, that is all I hoped for, and it worked out perfectly. :thumb:
 

Suz

(the future) MRS. GERE
I had to change my thinking to recognize that my son's progress is a marathon, not a sprint.

Writing the letter and outlining his options might make your son's life easier right this second but it has done nothing to help teach him how to deal with this HIMSELF for the long haul.

It reminds me of the adage about giving a man a fish (like you did by doing the work for him with your letter) or teaching him how to fish (like he would have been forced to do with the people he works with there if he had to figure these things out without benefit of your input).

It's so understandable to want to speed up decisions and life lessons for our kids but unfortunately it rarely benefits them in the long run.

My two cents :smile: .

Suz

 

jmama45

New Member
Well as I stated, I have to try to get through to him. He has been doing drugs and doesn't realize what position he put himself in, his head is full of concerns qnd problems with no real answers on how to go about fixing himself and seeing the baby. He hsn't realized that he cant do both at once... because his girlfriend is playing the game of keeping the baby from him unless he goes there.

He was released from court after his 30 day treatment today. He wanted to see the baby and girlfriend said come her and stay over. After a domestic charge she filed in the first place. She was going to court today to drop the charge and wants him back... but she didnt show and said that she couldn't get a sitter. As soon as difficult child agreed to come home here and get help via AA and outpatient... she changed her tune and played the baby game. She kept the baby from me this past weekend claiming she was ill... yet she had a party the next day and had her friend and her kids sleep over her small place with a sick child?? Oh she is playing games now! She is telling me she agrees he should come here and get help, and that she will let him have the baby here with me- to my face, but then tells him he has to go there. She could lose her kids and her apartment having him there now that the court has him as a drug addict. Make sense??? NO! She did the not show at court claiming no babysitter, so now they have a new court date and that charge isnt dropped yet. She is playing her card to control him. She told him if you want to see the baby, you have to come to her place and STAY the night. He hasn't see the baby in 30 days, so he went from court right there.

Also, his father showed up at court an hour late and missed the proceeding :hammer: I took the oportunity to try and talk to him (since he didnt return my calls) he was flaked out and talked like this is no big deal, no concern that his child is in danger of jail, drugs or death. It confirmed what I have said all along, and worse. He is not of any help to my son and also seemed drugged up or something. He wasn't focused, he was watching people while talking and not interested in the way a father should be when his son is in such a bad way.

So I confirmed all my beliefs. girlfriend is not going to help difficult child take the time to get better, she will hold the baby from him and now me. Father is as good as non existant.

Me and husband are the only ones in his life that have a straight head, if he doesn't want our support- then there is nothing more we can do and he will be worse off next mess up.

I know his girlfriend will call him in and have him arrested first time she is :censored2: off- and the case is open so he has no prayer. She claims the baby is sick(a cold) and she cant do it alone, yet she doesnt work and can focus on the baby 100%. She is showing signs of bipolar or something, she isn't right in the head that is for sure. If she wanted him to be drug free, she would support him in taking a time out for himself to get help.

Trust me, he has no idea, YET, what he is dealing with. Tomorrow I have to bring him to court 2 hrs away on another case... don't know if they will hold him?? But let me tell you, after we have our "reality check" talk tomorrow- we'll see where his head is at. Thats all I can do. And I may just end up in family court for gm rights. Oh JOY!
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
I would definitely focus on granddaughter. In fact, if it were me, I'd be trying to get custody as this girl sounds very unfit. But don't expect her or anyone to fix your son. That's where you are in my opinion wasting too much emotion. girlfriend can't fix him. Dad can't fix him. And you and your hub can't fix him or even help him. Your "reality" talk isn't going to be the lightbulb that goes off in his head. He has to be highly motivated to help himself and, although you and I have trouble understanding it, his baby hasn't been enough to keep him straight. You care more about the baby than either him or his girlfriend. I'd spend all my positive, motivated emotion on getting help for that baby and let son deal with things himself because, as all of us have told you, you can't do anything to help him. He doesn't want your help and isn't accepting your help and nagging grown adult kids doesn't work--and I'm not sure they even listen to our "reality" checks. Maybe for a second until they sniff drugs again. If he is going to get well it is going to be without you, your hub, his father or his girlfriend. He will do it himself and seek out his own help, if he wants it.
The baby is the one I feel sorry for in this. I don't feel girlfriend is a fit mother and your son is not a fit father. The baby deserves better parents. I have little pity for adult kids who mess up, including my own adult kids who mess up. By age 20, they need to get their acts together and will only do that if they want to.
 
Top