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How to deal with the entitled attitude, financial stuff with difficult child
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 644159" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Financial handouts, free cars, paying or their toys is in my opinion not positive for any adult child and I mean over eighteen. It is really a very easy solution. You say, "You are a man/woman now and I know you can find a way to buy your own things now. We feel it is best for us and our circumstances and for you as a growing adult to pay your own expenses. You may not like our decision, but it is going to stand." Then you do it. What is the worst thing that can happen? They will throw a major baby tantrum? That only shows how much they need to become self-sufficient and grow up as most teenagers do not throw toddler fits.</p><p></p><p>Walk away from the tantrum. Go into your room. Lock the door. If the adult gets violent, call the cops.</p><p></p><p>Finances is something we never allowed our kids, grown or otherwise, to abuse. Allowance was very low and cut off at eighteen, regardless of the situation of th e grown child. The result has been four very productive hardworking adults that do not ask us for any money. Well, 37 asks his dad when he needs big time money, like his custody battle, but that is something ex can afford, and if he wants to do it (and the custody battle WAS important), I have no problem with others doing what they can do.</p><p></p><p>I never did feel we should give up our retirement to fund adult children or anyone. There is simply no reason for it.</p><p></p><p>I am always puzzled when parents feel they have to buy their grown kids toys, cars, and fund their lives. I think it is more pervasive on this forum as there are more well off people here. And with that in their neighborhoods they see other kids with new cars, designer clothes, etc.</p><p></p><p>in my opinion we have to take our power back and stop being afraid that our adult kids may throw a childish fit. They are free to get money the normal way...by working. Not one adult on this forum is mentally challenged and can not at least flip burgers. They have the capacity to fix the problem. I am almost glad I never had money. My kids are doing quite well financially and they are doing it themselves.</p><p></p><p>There is nothing to gain by giving in except less babyish adult tantrums and being "popular" with your child, at least until he/she wants something else. </p><p></p><p>Orgamai, in your place I would just tell him "you need a job" an d refuse to engage in a discussion about it. I'd just keep repeating, "You need to get a job because we aren't going to give you money anymore. Either that or you will not have any money." I would not give him a chance to twist things around by responding to him. I would make it clear that is not up for discussion and is not an option. </p><p></p><p>Of course, this is how I see it. It puzzles me to pieces that parents have so much trouble saying, "Um, no. You don't need your own car. You don't even have a job. How can you afford a car?" or "No, I won't pay for dinner for you and reawrd you just because you managed to fill out a job application. We reward young children for behavior, not adults. Plus you don't have the job yet. Maybe we'll celebrate if you get that job and keep it for six months. THAT would be worth it."</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I deal with 37 that way. Repeat, repeat, repeat. Don't e3ngaged. If it gets too silly, I distance myself but I don't give up what I feel is right, since it is something he is asking me to do. JI have the option of saying "No" and meaning it and not listening to his very good lawyer skills.</p><p></p><p>I think its' as simple as remembering that and seeing them as adults, not little kids. JMO, of course <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 644159, member: 1550"] Financial handouts, free cars, paying or their toys is in my opinion not positive for any adult child and I mean over eighteen. It is really a very easy solution. You say, "You are a man/woman now and I know you can find a way to buy your own things now. We feel it is best for us and our circumstances and for you as a growing adult to pay your own expenses. You may not like our decision, but it is going to stand." Then you do it. What is the worst thing that can happen? They will throw a major baby tantrum? That only shows how much they need to become self-sufficient and grow up as most teenagers do not throw toddler fits. Walk away from the tantrum. Go into your room. Lock the door. If the adult gets violent, call the cops. Finances is something we never allowed our kids, grown or otherwise, to abuse. Allowance was very low and cut off at eighteen, regardless of the situation of th e grown child. The result has been four very productive hardworking adults that do not ask us for any money. Well, 37 asks his dad when he needs big time money, like his custody battle, but that is something ex can afford, and if he wants to do it (and the custody battle WAS important), I have no problem with others doing what they can do. I never did feel we should give up our retirement to fund adult children or anyone. There is simply no reason for it. I am always puzzled when parents feel they have to buy their grown kids toys, cars, and fund their lives. I think it is more pervasive on this forum as there are more well off people here. And with that in their neighborhoods they see other kids with new cars, designer clothes, etc. in my opinion we have to take our power back and stop being afraid that our adult kids may throw a childish fit. They are free to get money the normal way...by working. Not one adult on this forum is mentally challenged and can not at least flip burgers. They have the capacity to fix the problem. I am almost glad I never had money. My kids are doing quite well financially and they are doing it themselves. There is nothing to gain by giving in except less babyish adult tantrums and being "popular" with your child, at least until he/she wants something else. Orgamai, in your place I would just tell him "you need a job" an d refuse to engage in a discussion about it. I'd just keep repeating, "You need to get a job because we aren't going to give you money anymore. Either that or you will not have any money." I would not give him a chance to twist things around by responding to him. I would make it clear that is not up for discussion and is not an option. Of course, this is how I see it. It puzzles me to pieces that parents have so much trouble saying, "Um, no. You don't need your own car. You don't even have a job. How can you afford a car?" or "No, I won't pay for dinner for you and reawrd you just because you managed to fill out a job application. We reward young children for behavior, not adults. Plus you don't have the job yet. Maybe we'll celebrate if you get that job and keep it for six months. THAT would be worth it." I deal with 37 that way. Repeat, repeat, repeat. Don't e3ngaged. If it gets too silly, I distance myself but I don't give up what I feel is right, since it is something he is asking me to do. JI have the option of saying "No" and meaning it and not listening to his very good lawyer skills. I think its' as simple as remembering that and seeing them as adults, not little kids. JMO, of course :) [/QUOTE]
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