How to describe a nightmare

[maya67]

Hi everyone, I am writing tonight, not really knowing where to start or what to say...so bear with me please...I have a daughter who is 17. Six months ago, she was a beautiful, sweet, loving girl. That isn't who she is any more. Over the last six months she started using mj at the least, and possibly abusing cough medicine, like Robitussin. Her grades dropped, she started to skip school (she is a senior), she started sneaking out at night (out a 2nd floor window onto the roof and down a street lamp), hanging out in the seriously most dangerous neighborhoods in our urban area. She was with drug dealers and users, gang members, all that. I have watched my daughter turn into someone I don't even know. When caught under the influence, she has not acted like someone who has just been smoking weed because she is so violent and aggressive, and she is a very petite person, but she has hurt everyone in our family. Last week was the final straw. She snuck out of the house 3 nights in a row. When confronted with loss of privileges, she got very violent. Police were called and she was involuntairly committed for being dangerous to others. They let her go the next day, and she got high that night. The next night she completely tricked me by pretending she was going to bed, and I woke up at 6am to find her window open and she was gone. I could not find her for 9 hours. She has scared me so much. I finally had enough. I took her to the ER. That was a big struggle. She tried to take the steering wheel out of my hands and jump from a moving car. I called for security, and they got her inside where she was admitted. After 4 days, they told me she needed longer term substance abuse and possibly psychiatric (bipolar maybe) treatment. So, I had to hire a pair of people to basically handle her and take her 300 miles to a treatment center. She has been there 5 days. First she was angry and defiant, saying the problem is that I am just too overprotective and that I need to get a life. The last couple of days she is crying and apologizing. I don't know that I did the right thing. I just know that I felt like it was this or plan a funeral. Since being admitted, you cannot imagine the kind of text messages coming in to her phone. Pornographic images of boys/men. I just have to wonder what in the world was going on that I maybe have no idea about. I am sick with stress and worry. I wonder if any of you have been through this. Did I do the right thing? What should I expect next from her? They say she either has a substance abuse problem or is bipolar or both. Have any of you experience with cough medicine/Robitussin abuse? What does that look like? What are the chances she will get better after 30 - 45 days in this place? It is an adolescent substance abuse/psychiatric treatment center that came highly recommended.

Did I say I am beyond exhausted and have the worst insomnia of my life? I keep waking up thinking she has escaped out the window again and that we will find her dead. This is my definition of a nightmare.

maya

 

[BusynMember]

Hi. I just happened to be up tonight and I checked in.
My daughter was a very heavy drug user, although she started at twelve and I had no clue. She just suddenly went from really shy to wildly popular. I was thrilled until I noticed that some of her friends seemed scary.
To make a long story short, she got busted for pot twice, but was doing so much more, much more than I even imagined. She would crush and snort ADHD medications with cocaine, use ecstacy, even shot heroin a few times. I didn't know the extent of it until she got clean and told the whole horrible story. She said I was lucky that she was alive, and that she quit because one day she saw a friend with needlemarks up and down her arm and didn't want it to be her.
Are you doing the right thing? YES!!!!!!!! However, realize she will not quit until she wants to quit. I wouldn't put her on bipolar medications unless she is clean and sober for a long time. She may be acting bipolar due to the illegal drugs (my daughter sure did). And mixing bipolar medications with, say, cough syrups and who knows what else could make things even more dangerous (Yes, my daughter also used over the counter drugs, like Epremine). My daughter wanted to quit many times, but couldn't do it because she would get badgered by her friends and give in (this is even when she tried to stay away from them--they'd find her). Finally, we made her leave home because she has two little siblings and they were terrified of her and she refused to get help. Apparently, when we sent her packing she called my son and begged to stay there. He is a total straight arrow who lives in the next state. He got her and said she could stay under a strict set of rules. Once away from her "friends" she finally got her act together, but I can't tell you all the tears I cried. The good news is she is now almost 24 and completely clean. She doesn't even use cigarettes. I hope you have the same ending, HOWEVER your daughter WILL NOT QUIT until SHE wants to--sometimes this requires tough love. Also, most kids will confess to pot, but, if they seem whacked out most of the time, it is rare they are only smoking pot. There is usually more going on.
I think it was smart to get her help and take her off the street, but it's no guarantee unless she is motivated. I know how hard it is. I wish you all the luck in the world.

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

hello Maya.

Hugs to hour hurting mommy heart.

I was your daughter, 20 years ago. My mom was you. Watching me turn into someone she did not know. I went from honor roll to truant. She tried to stop me. It only made me want to do it more.

You did the right thing. You nipped it in the bud. You made her aware. She knows that you know. You are short on time; as she will be 18 very soon. When she turns 18, she cannot be forced.

Hopefully (and I am praying for you) this is the end of your chapter, and your daughter will get back to business. If that is not the case, then Midwest Mom is right. She will not seek help until and unless SHE believes that she needs it. And then it is time to employ some tough love.

Go to AlAnon. That is what they are there for. Keep coming back to this board, you will find many caring people here who have been there done that (been there, done that).

Glad you found us, but sorry you had to.

 

[trinityroyal]

I think you did the right thing as well.
I think MWM and BBK have provided you with good insight and advice. I would just like to send hugs for your hurting mommy heart, and prayers that having caught it now and sent your daughter a strong message, that she takes the opportunity to turn things around.

Sorry that you're going through this.
Trinity

 

[TYLERFAN]

Hi Maya:

I can commiserate with you. Your story sounds alot like mine, except please understand it is my belief that it took more than 6 months for your daughters transformation. She was in too quick with the bad people. Just my opinion, not based on any fact.....
If you can afford it, I would keep her where she is as long as you can. If it is a good treatment center, all the better. Check to find out their success rate too, by the way.
I can tell you that i also got to the point of "Do I want to plan her funeral?" and it is a horrific place to be...... I kept mine in mandated Residential Treatment Center (RTC) as long as they would keep her, she came out worse, but then again they were only housing her basically. You need a long term placement for specifically ,Drug Addicts, an all female one is best.
Give her all the help you can. In NY the system basically stopped working with me and said my difficult child could do whatever she wanted.......so I wasn't able to force her into treatment anymore.
Your daughter sounds like an addict. It is a lifelong disease that affects the entire family. Possibly you could attend a Narcanon Meeting?
My deepest wishes that your daughter accepts treatment.

Blessings,
Melissa

 

[katya02]

Hi Maya,
I'm so sorry you're having to cope with all of this. I agree that you did the right thing, and the comment that BBK made about you still being able to force her to get treatment while a minor struck home with me. During my difficult child's earlier teen years I was terrified he would have to go to an Residential Treatment Center (RTC); I felt like that would somehow be a complete failure on my part. But now that he's 19 and I can't force him to do anything, nor do I have access to any of his records, I wish I had been wiser. Now he'll have to make up his own mind to change course, which won't happen soon because he's in complete, angry denial. We're in for a bad time and I only wish I could force him to get treatment. Good luck and I hope the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) benefits your daughter.

{{hugs}}

 

[DDD]

Welcome Maya. Glad you found us. Sorry you had to! I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

Absolutely you did the totally right thing. You moved quickly. You have her in a dual diagnosis facility where they will be able to explore what her issues are and how to best help her.

Take advantage of this time with her away. Yes, I know when you are in so much emotional pain and scared to death that it sounds strange to say "take advantage of this time". Although I am sending caring thoughts and hugs your way that you daughter is the exception to the rule......chances are you are facing an extended time of stress. Now is time to catch up on your rest (use OTC if you can't chill enough or get your MD to give you Lexapro or something to help you calm down).

Bipolar symptoms do not usually have a sudden violent onset. Pot does not often result in such behaviors in a rapid fashion. Cough syrup also would not seem to be the issue. Your daughter may be on X or coke or
heroin or ???. Whatever it is, you love her and you need to be at your best to "try" to get her the best help she is willing to accept.

Come often and vent here. We all understand and know that it is really helpful to type your true feelings to stranger who understand. Hugs. DDD

 

[Star*]

Hi there,

Sorry you had to come here too. However venting is part of the grieving process and you are going through that now. Death of your dreams is sometimes harder than death of an actual person.

You asked if there is a chance she will get better in 35-45 days. No. If she is an addict she will always be an addict and have to fight the feelings of self-medication. If she is Bi-Polar that is something that does not ever go away - it's able to be controlled through medication if she agrees to take it. Currently with deinstitutionalization of mental hospitals and giving rights to mentally ill people it tied our hands as parents. The courts and jails are over run with kids like ours. Sometimes jail helps - but not likely.

You did the right thing calling the police for her. It is actually the ONLY thing you can when they are that violent. I would push for a psychological evaluation while she is in treatment. Residential Treatment Center (RTC)'s like the one where she is at stink. But be strong when she calls home begging to come home. Your best reply at that point is to keep it simple and say "Honey, I love you and when you are through with the levels of that program well talk about you coming home." Don't ask and don't tell if they (Residential Treatment Center (RTC)) gives you a discharge date. That sabotages everything.

Also get yourself into therapy NOW. You are going to have to be united in your home, thoughts, marriage and family rules as to what will and won't take place if/when she comes home. And what your Plan A. will be if she doesn't live up to those expectations. It's always wise to have a plan B too -But seriously - get into see a therapist. You CAN NOT continue doing battle with a child like yours and not get sleep and be ill. There are a lot of us here who have children who through their behaviors and stress have caused heart attacks, strokes. So you need a professional's help. Learn how not to buy into her lies. Learn how to walk away and say NO. She didn't get this way over night - she's not going to get better over night.
That's the reality of it here in our world. They never get cured, but they do get more manageable.

As far as the text and pictures.....pick up that phone and text back - Joan is not here - this is her mother - please do not call again. Or my favorite - Dude is not here, this is not his computer, this IS his mother he got into trouble and all transmissions /emails/calls are being routed to the police dept. It is amazing - how many little "hoochie" girls - stopped calling with one post on MY space. And my other little trick was to say on the phone at 12:43 AM - Dude? No he isn't here (sleepy voice) can I take a name and number for him to call you back? (get name and number) then the next time the young lady called I would use her first name and say JOAN - May I talk to your Mother please this is Dude's Mom = are you the one that called MY house at quarter to one in the morning? (click) Now she knows I have her number and her name.

I'm so sorry you have to go through this - it's just awful. Be strong - seek professional counseling so you can bounce your thoughts and emotions off a professional (or if you are like me sit for the first 3 sessions and cry your eyes out) and then regroup, formulate a strategy - and put it in motion.

You won't regret EVER making a battle plan, because sister - that's what you are in - a battle. So is your daughter so do everything you can to help her help herself.

Hugs
Star

 

[standswithcourage]

Yes I can related also. My son was the abuser. He did all the above. We had him involuntarily committed twice. Once when he broke the windshield of the car I was driving. You did the right thing. I was going to a counselor once and was telling her the things I was going through and she told me to get myself prepared to bury him. Then I had to do whatever it took to get him help even if he didnt want it at the time. Sometimes that is when they come to their senses. However, he continued on after going to a few rehabs and getting kicked out - going to jail, etc. (which is where he is now) nothing turned him around - we kicked him out at 19 - but always seemed to take him back - now it is his turn - he started smoking pot also but he said he was doing mmore = we just didnt know it - we just continued to give him a nice place to get high and continue his destruction - home. Good luck to you - I know how you feel - you did the right thing to try and save her - however she has to save herself.

 

[susiestar]

I am so sorry. You are hurting so badly rightnow. Star and the others give wonderful, realistic advice.

AlAnon will be immensely helpful. Most communities have several different groups, it is OK to try different ones so that you are comfortable in the meetings you attend. (My husband & I like very different groups, but it is wonderful for each of us)

Don't ignore the use of OTC medications like Robitussin. Google Dextromentorphan abuse, or dexing. You will learn a lot about it.

Keep coming back here. We really care about you, and your family.

Hugs,

Susie

 

[maya67]

It gets worse....
I think I am going to die of shock and stress. i found some photos on her phone that you would have to call pornographic or semi-pornographic. She took photos of herself showing her behind in thong underwear, and then some guys (7 I think) sent her photos of their genitals. It is just sickening. I am so sick to my stomach right now. I am thinking maybe she really is bipolar because I know about the hypersexualized behavior that some BiPolar (BP) patients show. Still, this is my once little daughter. I am sick to my stomach. I confronted her on phone tonight. She denied it. She hung up on me. I am so certain that we were right to put her in this treatment facility (a child psychiatric/substance abuse place). But, I am fearful that we are just beginning to know the seriousness of her situation. I have asked them to test her for HIV and all other STDs. I cannot believe this is happening. Her dad will disown her or probably have a heart attack if he finds this out. I am alone with this. I only told my sister and you all. What do I do? Help.

maya

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

You did good by suggesting the HIV & STD testing.

Of course she is going to deny those pictures. It is embarrassing to admit them. What can you do? Well, you can disconnect her phone service. Every one of us moms grew up without a cell phone. It is a luxury, not a need.

It may not stop her behavior, but you will not have to see it.

 

[Star*]

I learn something new here EVERY day - Susiestar I had no idea there was a thing called Dexing.....bookmarking the link.

 

[IKeepPraying]

First let me say, you absolutely did the right thing. She needed help and you made sure she got it! You should be very proud of yourself.

I tried to do that with my son. I had hired a couple of BIG guys to fly my son out of state to a boarding school. I made up something regarding his settlement he is getting for an accident. But he didn't show up. It was hard to plan it out. Because I never knew when he would come home or where he was at. So it didnt work out.

What you did was a GREAT thing. Good Luck to you. Please take care of yourself and try to get some sleep.

 

[DDD]

I have not experienced the porno aspect of substance abuse. We do have more than Warrior Mom in the CD family who had daughters turn to nude or semi nude dancing to support their habits and evidently it was possible that prostitution was also involved. The CD family tried to lend support as they experienced the unthinkable. From personal experience I know that substance abuse seems to go hand in hand with vulgarity as
my boy and his friends, we found out much later, frequently drove out of town to watch stripppers......even though there were a huge number of girls in town who probably would have been ready in a minute to spend one on one time of that nature!

There is something about inappropriate sex that hits Moms in the heart.
Although she could be manifesting symptoms of BiPolar (BP), I would guess it is
drug induced behavior. IF the phone is in your name I would have the number disconnected and I would toss the darn thing (minus the card)
just to make myself feel better.

You are at the beginning of a painful road. Read as many of the old posts as you can so you know you are not alone. There is not going to be a quick fix for your daughter and you need to be prepared. We will be here for you. Hugs. DDD

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Maya,

How are you hanging in there?

 

[IKeepPraying]

It gets worse....
I think I am going to die of shock and stress. i found some photos on her phone that you would have to call pornographic or semi-pornographic. She took photos of herself showing her behind in thong underwear, and then some guys (7 I think) sent her photos of their genitals. It is just sickening. I am so sick to my stomach right now. I am thinking maybe she really is bipolar because I know about the hypersexualized behavior that some BiPolar (BP) patients show. Still, this is my once little daughter. I am sick to my stomach. I confronted her on phone tonight. She denied it. She hung up on me. I am so certain that we were right to put her in this treatment facility (a child psychiatric/substance abuse place). But, I am fearful that we are just beginning to know the seriousness of her situation. I have asked them to test her for HIV and all other STDs. I cannot believe this is happening. Her dad will disown her or probably have a heart attack if he finds this out. I am alone with this. I only told my sister and you all. What do I do? Help.

maya

Oh, that must be difficult for you to see...I am so sorry. I have been on myspace to track my son. (I got most of my information on there let me tell ya, kids like to brag on that site) If you have not been on it,you would be surprised what the girls put on there. Half naked pictures of themselves that they proudly display. Please know your not alone. The younger generation is just SOOO obsessed with drugs, sex, and porn. Today's society is so warped when it comes to this stuff. For example, the public High schools here have child day care for the teen parents and they offer it to all students as a credited class. Listen to some of the music that is played on the radio. The words are just disgusting, not to mention TV. even for young kids I am noticing. My 10 yr old was watching ZOEY 101 on Nick and two kids were totally making out on there I couldn't believe it,this is suppose to be for kids?! she is no longer allowed to watch that show, Our kids almost dont stand a chance with everything influencing them today and it seems like all parents can do is pray. I noticed that our church has designed a group session called "sex, porn, starting over" because it is just so bad. I will pray for you and your daughter...