How to detach when grandkids are involved.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by End of our rope, Jan 6, 2014.

  1. Let's just say that our 31 year old daughter has stolen our future and call it that. There is no chance that she has missed an opportunity to steal from us. She has 2 great kids that are 10 and 6. We have been as much parents to them as grandparents. We found out just before the holidays that she had once again stolen credit cards and racked up 10K worth of charges. When the landlord evicted her we just hired a mover packed her up and moved her things into a storage building and her and the kids into our house. Yes Yes I found this site to late to find out that everything we are doing is wrong. My wife's sister has given her an opportunity to go to school and get a job so she can support herself and her kids but past behavior does not support this being a success.

    We are more than ready to detach from her but not from our gkids. They are great. While she can't keep from stealing from us she is oddly a good mom. Oklahoma does not recognize any gparents rights unless signed away by my daughter and the father.

    We have as a couple been so fortunate in so many ways but she has put in jeopardy our futures. It will take years of work to recoup the money she has stolen and cost us. That however pales to the emotional abuse we have suffered because of this. Gift from God or Curse from God?
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    She is not a good mom if she is breaking the law and cannot take care of herself. She is not a good mom if she steals from you. She is obviously not a mature or moral person and both are necessary for being a good mom.

    If t his were me, and again I only speak for myself, I'd go to court and try to get legal custody of the grands. If not, well, it's up to you if you want to let her steal you blind. You are in a difficult situation, but I'd be proving her unfitness and taking both of these parents to court. If you lose, yeah, there is nothing you can do. You have to decide if you and your spouse want to live a good, peaceful life without them in it. There will be no peace if they are in it.

    At the very least take precautions so that she can never access your bank account, credit cards etc. And cut off the money supply if you are giving her any. Are drugs involved? Does she work? Remember, you will be no good to your grandchildren if you get so stressed out that you develop heart disease, cancer, or die at an early age. You MUST take care of your stress levels even if you tick off your daughter.
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    Last edited: Jan 6, 2014
  3. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Welcome! I am sorry that you had to find us. It is difficult and with grand children it is even harder. Others will come along that can identify with your situation. There are many wonderful people on this site who will provide great advice and experience.
  4. Midwest when I say a good mom I mean from a standpoint of keeping the kids healthy and clean. All of the things you point out are so so true. Yes we have taken steps to secure our assets but she is so smart that just when I lock one thing away she finds a way around it. I am not happy that I now own a safe and that we have designated safe rooms which are behind lock and key. Yes we have restricted any monies. She had open heart surgery at 6 months and has been diabetic since she was 5. 2 years ago she was diagnosed with Lyphoma. Was she born behind the 8 ball, Yes but then to an extent we all are.
  5. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Hi :O)

    We are in the same position in a way, End. Our grandchildren range in age from 5 to 21. There were times when they lived with us, times when I lived with them. My husband and I are retired, but the money flies out of here like nobody's business. We are learning too, End. It is so hard to know the right thing to do when your children are continually picking a wrong way to go.

    Along our own path, there have been two times when I found myself homeschooling two grands because the school refused to take them without my being the legal guardian. Total surprise but do you know, I managed to do that adequately. We've bought the clothing and etc...but when we started doing that, started paying for dance or gymnastic lessons...the behaviors of our adult kids seemed to escalate. It's as though they resent anything we do that isn't directly for them.

    There sometimes isn't any way to know what to expect.

    All we can do for our grands is love them, and do what is there in front of us to do for them.

    Regarding our troubled adult kids, we learn something, here on the site, called detachment. This is a way to see the situation more clearly and sometimes, even to help our kids meet their own potentials, instead of wallowing around blaming someone else for their predicaments. Sometimes, that doesn't happen. For those times and those kids, detachment is lifesaving for us, for the parents and grandparents.

    So, that will be something that will help, as you learn it.

    I don't know how to advise you for your particular situation. What I do know End, is that as you read along, as you post more as the days go by and new things come up, you will be able to see for yourselves what your best options are. One of the most valuable things about this site (other than its safety and anonymity) is that there are so many of us in the same positions. Once we come together here, we can share the pain and confusion and anger, we can learn techniques to help us determine what the right thing is.

    A warm welcome, End. I am happy you found the site. It truly is a soft place to land for us.

  6. The only solace if any is understanding that after this many years I cannot fix this. I can put that aside and then try to deal with living with this. There is a pathology involved here but until she can get into some kind of therapy we will never know what it is and then can we really trust her answer. I am proceeding from the standpoint that my difficult child is a threat to this household. These great kids are not.

    I don't know what the next days will bring but I am sure that our own personal hell is just taking shape. I appreciate the soft words and guidance.
  7. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome End of our rope. I'm glad you found us, but sorry you had to.

    Your situation is a difficult one for sure. I am raising my now 17 year old granddaughter, at our age, it can be daunting. I completely understand what you are talking about having lived through similar issues.

    I had a couple of thoughts. One, make sure you and your wife get support, whether therapy, parent groups, or whatever, but this landscape for us parents is too treacherous without support. Two, read the article at the bottom of my post here on detachment. Three, have you looked in to pressing charges? Stealing is against the law no matter who does the stealing. Four, have you spoken to an attorney about what you legal rights are, for instance, if your daughter was to be arrested, where would the children go? Five, do you want custody of the grandchildren? If you do, then consulting an authority about your legal rights seems in order. Six, whatever pathology is at play here is not yours to fix. It is your daughters. Having her now living with you is likely to bring a lot to the fore. You may want to look in to the eviction laws in your state, just in many states, even if they are your children, you have to give them legal notice. Seven, if you do not want to raise your grandkids, then practicing detachment will be challenging but some of us have done have to ask yourself what you're now willing to do. Your daughter is unlikely to change, she is likely to continue stealing from you,so you should have a plan. If it were me, I would get answers, talk to an attorney, find out from the police what happens if you press charges and find out what happens to the kids and if you can take them if you in fact,want them.

    Our kids can certainly take us on the worst ride of our lives and at our age, near retirement, they can deplete us in every possible not allow her to do that to you. You don't deserve it. Figure out what you want to do and then follow through. Our adult kids need strong impenetrable boundaries which are enforceable with clear consequences.............even if she is mentally ill, or has other issues, you are still not responsible for her choices. Find out what your options are, figure out what you want and then move forward with your power in tact, do not enable her any own the house, it's your home, your rules.........she breaks them, figure out what the consequences are........and enforce them...........YOU make the rules now.
  8. You know you ask the question we have asked ourselves so many times. Do we want the grandkids? The honest answer is no but what do you do when their parents will not step up. The father who she has never divorced has just now started paying child support after 4 years. In this state you have to be a meth dealer before you are considered a non fit parent. Anything else goes pretty much. We are sure he does not want them full time as he has moved on to a new girl with her own family. No we would rather have the retirement life we planned but will not let them suffer.
    Yes we have talked to lawyers, family counselors, clergy, bartenders and anyone else who would lend a supporting ear but this overwhelming feeling of total failure and loss of our lives has me physically and mentally maxed out.

    There are so many mental issues at play here and I know she won't get better even though her aunt has volunteered to pay for a 2 year college course to get her nursing degree and all she has to do is complete the course and it's all paid for. If she is pressed she will resort to stealing from us again. 12 years of this has made me a pretty good detective. We actually have 2 rental properties and I could put her and the grandkids in one but that Is only rewarding her.

    The fact that the life we have so preciously planned for the last 40 years is over is as great a loss as I have ever experienced. I worked my whole life to get to this point and now to have to end my retirement and go back to work is devastating to me. I am a 67 year old used to be. I hope Home Depot is hiring.
    Last edited: Jan 6, 2014
  9. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh boy, I can so relate to everything you are saying. My daughter is 10 years older then yours, doesn't steal from me, but has no sense of personal responsibility which has left me in a similar place as you described. I have forfeited a lot to raise my granddaughter and often on this board I am the one suggesting that other grandparents in this boat look at ALL their other options. Going through the teen years was pretty hairy at times and not what I had envisioned doing at 64. On the other hand, had I not stepped in, I can't even imagine where my granddaughter would be right now. It's still a conundrum.

    This is such a tough call for you two. It sounds as if you have explored the options. Your daughter has done a lot of damage in your lives and I am so sorry for that, I know how devastating that is, emotionally as well as financially.

    I've been on this board for two years now, going through a kind of hell that most people can't imagine, as many others here are too. The best advice I can give to you is to absolutely stop enabling your daughter. Stop all payments. Stop giving her money. Whatever it is that you resent is enabling, so where you feel resentment, stop that giving. What helped me tremendously was an 18 month therapy lead intense course on codependency where I was brought back to "normal" and given tools to change my responses to my daughter. It took time, but I did it. I kept disengaging from her little by little. I wanted my sanity back. I wanted peace of mind and I wanted my life back. To that end I was really willing to do anything. That's where you have to get.

    This is not YOUR failure, it is your daughter's who has dragged you, your wife and her two children through her miserable life. You have got to get yourself out of her clutches, her manipulations, her selfishness, her lack of remorse, her lack of empathy, all of it. If you decide you want the kids then have her arrested for the latest theft. She must face some consequences for her behavior or the truth is you will be 87 and still locking up your belongings. We all have to get real about our kids. They are NOT who we think they are, that parental desire to see them how we WANT to as opposed to how they really are coupled with our GUILT for imagined wrong doings that the kids usually place on OUR shoulders, keeps us STUCK. Get yourself unstuck. See the truth. Take action. Get yourself out from under her control. Kick her to the curb and figure out if you want the kids or other options for the kids. At 31, the odds of her going to school now and changing are really less then remote. Sorry to be so direct, but what got me to wake up was people telling me the truth while I was busy staying in my own denial. You're in what my therapists called the FOG, that stuck place we parents go when confronted with the horrors of the reality of what our kids have done.............and we don't want to believe it so we stay stuck in that fog, a place of NON action. Walk out of that and take action.

    I understand the loss you speak of and I understand how devastating it is. I've been there and in some ways I'm still there. But I made choices along the way. I figured out what I was willing to do. I figured out what I was NOT willing to do. The choice with your grandkids is difficult, HOWEVER, the choice with your daughter is not..............she is the one causing all the misery for everyone. She is the guilty party, she is the one who should be feeling like a failure, not you. You said it, your daughter is a "threat to the household." Protect your family. Insist she be responsible for her actions. She won't change but YOU can.

    Wishing you peace..........glad you're here.
  10. So I am in the FOG and headed for the rocks! Your words are comforting and scary at the same time. It would be so easy but for the kids. I would have no problem at all kicking her to the curb. I am not ready to explain to the kids who still think she is a great mom that she is a thief and a liar and we are throwing her out. We have a lot of planning and discovery yet to be done before we can handle the legalities and we still have the unknown of what the father will do. This is really just the beginning. I only hope I can make it through to the end.
  11. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    End of our rope, you WILL make it to the end. But navigating those "rocks" is where the treacherous water comes in. Find yourself a therapist, or someone, a counselor, a pastor, a person who can help YOU make it through.............not a therapist for your daughter, but for you and your wife. Detaching from my daughter was the single most difficult thing I have ever done and truly, if it weren't for my therapist and another therapist who lead the parent support group, both highly skilled in these very issues and who directed me through the process of detachment, I am not sure I would have gotten to where I presently am.

    There are quite a few pitfalls along the way especially when there are grandkids which your daughter will likely use as weapons to keep YOU doing what she needs. Our kids are master manipulators. In order for them to keep everything going the way they need to they have become experts at lying, stealing and manipulating with a complete lack of empathy and remorse. And we, the parents, are usually their first and easiest targets because we love them and want the best for them and often refuse to believe who they've turned out to be.

    I think you have peaked out of the fog long enough to see as much of the truth as you need to in order for you to begin the process of detachment from your daughter. That truth will be your guiding light through.

    I think you are wise to be putting together a plan of action. In the meantime, keep all of your assets away from her, protect yourself and your resources. Get the facts, do your research, find professionals to help you, figure out exactly what your rights are in all the possible scenarios.

    Many of us here make contracts for our kids if they are in our homes............mapping out our expectations and consequences. However, you must then be willing to enforce the consequences or your word ends up meaning nothing. She should be working and giving you money for rent and food. She should be helping around the house. She should be respectful of you and your wife. She should also be grateful, but I imagine that is not the case. Most of our kids are entitled and selfish and think everyone else is to blame and they should have a free ride.

    I know how that feels to be comforted and scared at the same time, I felt that often as I learned how to remove myself from my daughter's choices and lifestyle as more and more of the actual truth revealed itself............or was revealed TO me. As I progressed it felt good to have the dilemma I found myself in recognized here on this board, by others going through similar things......... and it was daunting at first to listen to the therapists telling me that I had choices and could act on them...........that how I felt was a normal response to an abnormal situation and that I had the courage and the commitment to change it. Whew. What a ride. Right on through those rocks you speak of.

    Keep posting here, it really helps. It helps if you write a signature at the bottom of your posts so we can recall your information and respond accordingly. I have a lot of empathy for you and where you find yourself, I really get how you feel............and I get how much it sucks too...............hang in there, you can do this. Really discover what it is YOU TRULY WANT and then go forward.
  12. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry. We adopted an infant that ended up having th bipolar diagnosis, as well as some health concerns. At some point, we realized that she can not work. So we helped her get on disability. If you honestly believe your daughter can not work full time, this is something to put in the back of your mind. She can work part time and supplement the SSI income. However, if she really can work, then training is best. I would NOT put up with stealing and I would make it crystal clear to her that if she steals again you will immediately call the police and file charges. Perhaps a consult with an attorney on what rights you might have to the grandchildren is in order, especially if she is arrested. Of course you have to keep all your finances/computers, etc. under lock and key, but living wit this fear is NO way to live. I'm sorry if this sounds contradictory, but I have a friend that basically adopted some of her grand kids, and it was a very negative experience financially and emotionally and both herself and husband have high paying jobs. She eventually had to let her grown children have their kids back for summers, even longer at times, because the burdens were too hard for her and making this rough decision was just that ROUGH. But, any help you provide those g-kids, is good for them and you should feel good about it, but it might have to be limited. Please, don't let your daughter steal from you ever again. Consider therapy, at least short term, for you and your spouse due to this difficult situation. And if you can find low cost therapy for her...maybe go for that too....even consider making it part of her arrangement to stay at your place.
    PS I am conflicted about the term "gift from Gxd"....believe me...but in a tiny way I understand. We have learned a lot, and I ended up with an actual MS Degree in a related field. But, my health has worsened, it hurt us financially and at times strained my marriage...oh, and we had periods of times we were a bit ostracized by the community. I will never fully understand it all. I think we are all grateful when we can help another person...there were many years my spouse and I felt very alone in all of this. It's been very hard, but I am grateful that things are a bit better now. Still rough days, but overall better. Have faith and educate yourself on detachment, entitlement, mental illness and seek some help from those with experience as well as professional counselors.
    Last edited: Jan 7, 2014
  13. Recovering I can tell you speak from the same neighborhood as we are in right now. I read your words and can almost feel the pain behind them. We are less than 2 weeks into this latest intervention and we are still numb from the shock and betrayal. I am here because I have really no where else to turn. My pastor gave me some names of family counselors and said that he had never heard such a tale as mine. Oh and by the way I am also caring for my mother who will not live out this new year. You have given me some excellent guidance and I hope I can put it to good use.

    No I am still deep in the FOG!
  14. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Good Morning, End

    If your daughter has not applied for Social Services assistance, that should be your first step.

    Putting her into one of your apartments would not be rewarding her. It would be the first concrete step to saving your own life. If money is a problem for her, let her have the first month's rent free. She should be able to have welfare assistance or a job within a month, two at most. Emergency food, medical, housing, and employment help should be available almost immediately.

    There is nothing you need to do, End.

    The only small step you are going to take is to move your daughter out of your house.

    One of the most important lessons I have learned is to say whatever form of "no" I can manage to spit out and then, to wait. Let options present themselves to your daughter. Try not to even think about it. She will pick up once she knows you won't. Her behavior will escalate. Expect that. You did not get where you are in your life without having met bigger challenges than that your daughter is angry because you will not do what she wants.

    You can do this, End.

    Post about it, if it helps. We are anonymous. No one else will know, and the support you will receive will get you through the worst of it.

    Unless a miracle happens and your daughter actually pays her rent, you will need to evict her at some point. This is okay, End. Knowing what is coming, you can plan for it. Once your daughter is out of your house, you will be able to think clearly. If your daughter cannot raise her children for whatever reason, then it is their father's responsibility to raise them, not yours.

    We grandparents need to see ourselves as at the game, but not in it. Love your grandchildren End, enjoy your grandchildren. Buy them things, take them on vacation, take them to dinner.

    Just don't raise them. When that time comes? This will be very hard decision for you. So, let's not think about that, now. Small, small steps. That's how you get from where you are to somewhere else. For now, let's concentrate on getting daughter out of your home. As others of us have suggested, begin checking into eviction law in your state, and into your other rights, both as a parent and as a grandparent, now. Information is a wonderful tool. You will feel that you have a choice, instead of that you are in a trap. Call Social Services. They will be in the blue, County Government section of your phone book.

    That is a good place to start.

    The only action you are going to take now, the only small step you are preparing for, is to get your daughter out of your home. Then, one small thing at a time, you can have a look at the rest of it. Or, you can decide to learn how to leave it alone. That is a skillset, too. It takes time and commitment to learn it. We can help with the feelings that will come up as you make these changes in how you see yourself and your responsibility to your daughter.

    I have been on this site, in one capacity or another, for more than ten years. I am still learning, still trying to figure out how to do this so difficult thing.

    Where would you like to be ten years from now, End?

    Like me, still here on the site wobbling from detachment to enabling and back?

    It is difficult to imagine freedom, trapped in every way by your need to be responsible parents. Once you have a little taste? Once you can breathe again, once you can see what life can be? You will want more. All at once? Travel becomes an option. And once you do that? You find out that everyone our age is out here, celebrating and wondering again about the big philosophical questions and taking classes and just generally enjoying who and how we are, now that we're here.

    It was my husband who insisted that we take the early retirement, that we do all the things we have done, since.

    And you know what?

    He was right.

    Gird your loins and give difficult child daughter a heads up, End. Something like: Since what we've been doing hasn't helped you, your mother and I are going to try a different kind of parenting. We have decided we are not going to take the hard struggles every adult faces to earn self respect away from you, ever again. It would mean the world to your mother and I if you were stable and doing well, but however you decide to live your life, your mother and I are choosing to go on with ours. If, despite everything we have done and are still willing to do for you, you or their father are not able to raise your children, your mother and I will do what we have to to protect our grandchildren. But let's not talk about that now, because you are going to do wonderfully on your own. Here's the plan: You and the kids will be moving into one of the apartments. The first month you don't pay your rent, we will begin the eviction process. We think you will pick up beautifully, and that your new life with the kids will be a good one. It's up to you now, honey. You might even say something like, "If we had let you handle your own life from the beginning, you might not be in this dependent position, now."

    There has to be a way you can break the hold your daughter has on you. If something like what I've written above doesn't hit you just right End, sit down and write what you ARE willing to say. Your daughter has everything she wants, right now. She is not going to change anything. You will have to be the one to do it.

    If you post what you want to say to your daughter here, we will give feedback.

    We have all been right where you are now, End. It doesn't get better on its own, but it can get better. That is what you are after, here. You are not trying to hurt your daughter. You are making a way to have your own life, to have the right to make choices, again.

    You are right, End. You are not wrong in wanting your freedom, in cherishing your own life.

    Another important piece is something Scott G posted about. He said we need to accept that our kids are who they are and that we need to stop judging them for that. It clarifies the air. Knowing who they are, really, tells us what they will do. We can stop hoping, stop believing for the best, and start making concrete plans to get free of their outrageous demands.

    I know how hard all this is, End. I know how confused and angry and responsible you feel. But I also know there is a way to see so clearly how to do what needs to be done.

    You will be fine, End. You will get through this. It's going to feel like a whole new day just to have your daughter out on her own.

    We'll be right here to listen, to advise when we can, to tell you what did or did not work for us.

    Wishing you and your family well and strong again, End. It can happen.

  15. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Hi Rope,

    I can feel the despair and frustration and love in your posts. I don't have much to add because everyone here has given you very valuable advice. I was touched by your description of your grandchildren and that you want to preserve their mom in their eyes. I know it's altruistic and I know it's because you love them and your daughter so very much. Unfortunately, I think that it will sadly backfire. Your grandchildren have long healthy lives to live. Someday - and you know how time flies - they will be dealing directly with their mom.If you cover up her misdeeds and continue to enable her - if you don't draw that line in the sand between right and wrong - your grandchildren will think that's the way they should deal with her too. And it will just be perpetuated. You have an opportunity here to take some action, to let the kids know the difference between right and wrong and to show them the way - to literally empower them not to have to take responsibility for their mom someday.

    If you daughter turns her life around, you and the kids will still be there to love her and accept her. In the meanwhile, model the behavior you hope your grandkids will use someday should this become vested upon them.

    I am so sorry you are hurting.
  16. We told the gkids that the reason they had to move back with us is that their mother would not pay her bills. We made sure they understood that you either own a home or you rent a home and that both require money. The father has been so far out of the picture that I don't believe he has any interest in raising them and I am not sure we want him too. We would have to approach him separately as they don't really talk. As I said before telling her to pack and leave is and easy thing for me at this time. I have accepted that she is not the child of our dreams but a person I don't want to know. She has no friends left as she has burned all of her bridges by borrowing money based on lies and of course no pay back. Her mother wants to give her this chance but I have told her that I will not trust anything she says and as far as I am concerned she is a real threat to this family and it's future. We still have a lot of planning to do so when the time comes and it will come she is shown the door. I will not throw my gkids out the door but she is another matter.

    Just let me say thanks for all the support.
  17. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Just wanted you to know I read your post. I know you feel as if you are in a dark place, and you are.................but, you also sound as if somewhere inside you've resolved an important issue. Acceptance of who are kids really are and recognizing this is likely to simply be the way it is, is a large step in the right direction and gives us the fuel we need to carry us through this mess.

    It is good to not trust your daughter, she has proven to be untrustworthy. I believe WE change and then we change the way we respond to our kids and that is when everything changes. WE make the changes, not them. For a long time we WAIT for them to change, but there comes a point where we finally recognize the utter futility in that..............and then we change. You're at that point now.

    You are developing a plan. You are seeking professional help. You are looking at the facts with a clearer head now...........even though the journey continues, taking action each step of the way will get you to your final destination..........detachment and acceptance for what is. Once there, YOUR life gets better. Each step of the way, we make choices and the choices lead us to a new place. You may be at the beginning, as you mentioned, but you are ON THE PATH now.

    Hang tough. Keep seeing the truth. Keep your eyes opened. Do your research. Keep very well supported along the way. One step in front of the other, one day at a'll do it and you'll find peace too. Make that your goal, peace of mind and acceptance of what is............those were my goals. And.............we're here for you.
  18. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hi and welcome to this corner of the universe. I understand your situation and frustration too.

    I also have a child who steals from me. He also has two kids, one who has just turned 2 and lives with him. Its so hard when there are grandkids in the mess. I have managed to get my son out of our house several times but it appears he might be back here for a short period. He actually has a rental house right now but when it got so cold, and the baby was sick, he asked to come spend a night or two with us. We really dont mind that. However this time things went down the tube because the night after he came to visit someone broke into his house and stole a bunch of his belongings. Problem is they kicked the door in and stole his heater. This means he cant stay there right now and he called his landlord who wont fix things unless he pays his rent. My son doesnt want to pay rent because he is now afraid to live in a place that someone might break into with him and the baby there. No one should have known he was gone. So now he is back in my house until he can figure something else out. Believe me I am not thrilled. Right now I am a little bit afraid he may have stolen a 50 out of my purse but I cant figure out when he could have gotten into it because I keep it beside me at all times. Personally if his youngest daughter wasnt so attached at the hip to him I would toss him out but that baby will scream for hours on end if she cant find her daddy. Im too old and sick to listen to a 2 year old scream "I want daddy!" all day long. Today I have to put my foot down and make him do some cleaning around the house.

    God bless us, this certainly wasnt what we imagined when we held them for the first time...sigh.
  19. Janet I can feel your pain in your words. They are too familiar for me.

    I guess my difficult child wasn't getting enough attention today so she called the ambulance and went to the emergency room complaining of chest pains. Sounds like a way to get some pain medications too me. Sound callous, yes but I have been here before and can't believe anything anymore. Her drama not mine!!!!
  20. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    I say, save yourself! Way too much drama. If you can afford it, perhaps it would be best to have her stay at one of your rental places...ideally for a nominal fee.

    Perhaps you can get the father involved to pay for a portion of it. Perhaps he can take the kids one day a month for a fun activity (assuming he is fit), maybe you can take them one day a week.

    So, in other words, some very reasonable/generous, arrangements might be attempted.

    But, there is only so much you can do. I have noticed repeatedly that difficult children seem to lack any gratitude and play the victim card to the max.

    Continue to explore your legal rights, hide your valuables and make it very clear to her that you WILL file charges should she steel from you again. Read up on boundaries...good stuff!' And a good ex. For the grandchildren too!