EOOR, I so understand those feelings of shame and disappointment. We parents take on the responsibility for our kids and somehow believe WE have the power to fix anything, we just have to find out what that is, we just have to turn over every rock, we just have to write yet another check, we just have to find that magic bullet and then it will all be okay. But, you know what? We don't have that kind of power. We just don't. And that level of powerlessness and loss of control is devastating to us. I think that's where the shame comes in, we have that expectation of ourselves that we can and will move the earth to help our kids, that we actually can do that and we hit the wall and start to realize we can't, oh boy, all those feelings of powerlessness and shame and disappointment come barreling in.
When I wrote to you about all the terrible feelings this path brings to us, your response was fear of the future and what you will be going through. But it sounds as if you have already been in this nightmare for a long time. What appears to be happening now, and I think happens for all of us, is that you've reached a point where you are realizing the truth of the whole situation, that you cannot continue in this manner, that you are indeed powerless, that you can't throw money at this one and make it go away. Even though this is, in my opinion, the lowest point for you and your wife, it is likely a turning point. Once we hit that wall, and I do recall it quite vividly, you begin to crawl out of it. Fits and starts, ups and downs, it's not a linear path, but once you really see the powerlessness of all of it, that is the beginning of the truth and the beginning of the recognition that what you've been doing is not working and you now have the option of learning a new way.
I do believe if you got yourself to an Al Anon meeting, or therapy, or a 12 step meeting of some kind where you could listen and possibly release and express and vent, you would be able to empty yourself of some of that internal pressure you're feeling. It is very hard to hold all of that in. That sense of shame is overpowering.
Here's the bottom line EOOR, YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG. In spite of all your best intentions, your kid went off the rails. THERE ISN'T ANYTHING ELSE YOU COULD HAVE DONE TO PREVENT WHAT IS HAPPENING NOW. It was likely inevitable given your daughter's actions. Now it is up to her, where it not only should be, but was always meant to be. Like me, you will need to step back and allow life to happen to your precious daughter. She is the one who needs to grow wings to fly on her own. You already have your wings and an extra set for her, but she needs to have her own.
All that agony you're feeling is what we go through when we begin to lose control, when we begin to recognize that we can't control this. It is a very bad feeling in the beginning. I remember that very well.
Don't worry about the kids. Whatever is happening now is their destiny, their fate. You don't know what this will ultimately mean for them. You don't know the kinds of strengths and the courage they'll develop from this. Life gives us so many big hurts but what we can learn from them defines our character and who we become. My granddaughter's first therapist, when she was 4 years old and her Dad had just killed himself told me, "you never know what is in store for her, perhaps she will be a psychologist who specializes in people dealing with parents who commit suicide." I never forgot that. Fast forward 14 years to the other night talking to my granddaughter about the classes she's taking in college. She says, "I'm taking Psychology, I really like it." I told her what the first therapist said. Her comment was, "Hmmmm, maybe that will be true. I can sort of see that." All through her life she has been the compassionate kid with so much empathy for the plight of others. Other kids sought her out to talk to her because she understood. She developed those traits because of what happened to her. Was it dismal and hard? Sure it was. But she learned something and that something helps others. She developed character born out of hardship. And EOOR, I wanted to save her from that too, I wanted to make her life happy and carefree, but I learned to let go and she's turned out to be a terrific, well adjusted, healthy kid.
You don't know what your grandkids destiny is. The consequences you speak of now for them, could end up being a strength they develop now, it doesn't have to be all negative.
I will be thinking of you today, saying a prayer for you and your family. Let us know how it goes with the police. We're circling the wagons around you now...........you're not alone.
