Star*
call 911........call 911
David,
I have dealt with a similar situation for years. As you can see by the responses you are not alone. The overwhelming want to "make it right" in all instances with our kids sometimes drives us to do the wrong thing.
You've been doing so great at detaching and figuring out who David is - and allowing Justin to take his lumps - well guess what? THIS is another lump.
I have met women over the years who had children, and felt overwhelmed by it all and gave them to someone to raise, then never made contact. I used to think it was out of guilt - and I'm sure in some cases it is. In most that I have seen it's mental illness.
Maybe this line of thinking will help you - You already have said that her thinking gets you fired up. She came from an abusive past, and who knows what she thinks now. If she were not Justin's Mom - but say an old neighbor - would you try to fix THAT relationship for him? KNOWING that what he was going to face was more than likely heartbreak? Of course you wouldn't. SO how would you go about discouraging THAT reunion? However you answer that question may give you some insight into helping yourself and Justin in this situation.
The only time that my son missed his dad - was when we first left. For a year - he was vigilant about going to the PO box and he was SURE every day there would be a letter, a box, some toys - SOMETHING. I kept it open for a year after I left his father. I kept my heart open to anything was possible, and as 1 year rolled in to 2, it became apparent to me the man had too many problems to write. He never sent a dime. The day after I closed our PO box - a letter came. It had 1 $1.00 bill crumpled up in it. With a letter saying that he sure did miss him. Hoped he was well. And while all this sounds TERRIBLY Lifetime movie channel - while all he could send was a dollar - he had (unbeknown to me) ran up over $22,000 on my credit having a hooker girlfriend pose as me who forgot my license at the signing of a $45k truck and then tried to use my sons SS# to obtain more credit. So that letter all told cost me around 100k. I think it was a fair deal - he stays away, tries to be a martyr and I have my son.
He's only made contact via his mother once. He sent a used toy in a brand new toy carton and difficult child ran around for 15 minutes doing the "TOLD YA SO" with hand gestures - until he opened the box and found the toy to be rusted, broken and used. WE (DF and I) knew what was in the box as DF had looked and we told him to be appreciative of ANY gift he gets. He was so angry he took the thing outside, beat it with a ball bat, and then came in and asked DF if he would help him set it on fire - so they did. The man just couldn't see his way to send one nice thing. Pathetic. Others might say he tried - but not with a 2500.oo a week habit - but that stunt cost him the next 5 years of difficult child's life. All speak and talk about biof stopped.
When it reared it's ugly little head again - you know that age -16 I want a car, I should have money for a car - tell that so and so to send me a car - if I were there he would get me a car. (yeah right - he couldn't even send you a nice toy) SO I thought THIS was the opportunity I'd waited a long enough time for. I went to my potting shed, got out a box with cards, letters, police reports, hospital bills, and the like. I sat difficult child down in the yard and I said "THIS is what I tried so desperately to keep you from and I made him sit and listen to the ravings of a true sociopath. The death threats on me, my family the ugly words, name calling in letters he sent to my parents, the envelopes marked with horrible names to make sure the mailman knew I was trash - and I read these lines mixed with flip-floppy words of "if you just come back to me" and on the next line - "because if you don't I will kill your entire family." and difficult child sat there next to me silent as the grave my x was sure to put us in.
I answered a lot of questions that day. I answered a lot of questions like "Why", "When", "WHO", and one of his biggest issues was that he thought I had left him when my x kidnapped him. My son was used as the bait to get me to come back into our relationship so he could kill me. The second attempt I made to get my son he nearly succeeded - and difficult child never knew. He never knew how I was treated by his family. He never knew why I never spoke a bad word about the man to him. Why I didn't tell him about the drugs, the drinking and then he told me about all the women - lol. I knew - but I said some times you just have to wait for your kids to grow up so you can share grown up information with them.
My son is now 17. He's in a group home that is less than desirable, and he is just shocked and outraged at how people live near where he is. He describes them as low lifes, drug dealers, thiefs - animal abusers, and not educated. I told him that I thought maybe it was good that he saw that - because had I not took him out of the life we were in - There for the Grace of God went him......and it floored him. I told him to take that situation and add a baby to it, and then remember the notes and letters that were written that we read that day. Then I told him to find a way out -
He's made a couple attempts to contact his biof's family. They are master manipulators and just better off there - while we are here. in my humble opinion no "revisiting" needs to happen. Up until the last week or so I really thought difficult child would take off to pursue finding his "kind of people" and after seeing the travesties in his own neighborhood and putting all the info together - I dont' think there will be more calls to the bio family. They are the epitome of dysfunction and NOT how I raised Dude. When our boys are 18 - they are free to do what they want and some of what they are going to do will cut like a hot knife in butter - and we once again will be called on to be the silent parent.
But it pays off. You're raising David to be a decent young man. You're putting tools in his path to allow him to become the best person he can be. Even if he doesn't utilize those skills now - they're there always. The fact that you stopped the cycle of abuse with Justin - is remarkable. The fact that while his Mom may not ever be in the picture - nothing you can do. But what I believe is that when these kids do or may go back to see what they think they missed - the handwriting will be on the wall and nothing can make up for ignoring your own child. Not with that child. The relationship may heal to a point - but only to a point. There will always be that fear that Mom will take off and leave him again. Except if there is a next time? It won't hurt so bad - and the one that they call will be us.
Just ignore it = save any thoughts or ideas about it on paper - type it up and put it in a folder where Justin cant get to it for a long long time until you think he can handle it - 16 y.o. +. Then sit him down if he's still curious and tell him your point on things, then tell him that you did your best to keep him from growing up in a lifestyle that perpetuates violence and stupidity. Tell him mostly then - that the greatest gift his mom could have ever given him in her mental state - was to give him to YOU.
And let it go.
Star
I have dealt with a similar situation for years. As you can see by the responses you are not alone. The overwhelming want to "make it right" in all instances with our kids sometimes drives us to do the wrong thing.
You've been doing so great at detaching and figuring out who David is - and allowing Justin to take his lumps - well guess what? THIS is another lump.
I have met women over the years who had children, and felt overwhelmed by it all and gave them to someone to raise, then never made contact. I used to think it was out of guilt - and I'm sure in some cases it is. In most that I have seen it's mental illness.
Maybe this line of thinking will help you - You already have said that her thinking gets you fired up. She came from an abusive past, and who knows what she thinks now. If she were not Justin's Mom - but say an old neighbor - would you try to fix THAT relationship for him? KNOWING that what he was going to face was more than likely heartbreak? Of course you wouldn't. SO how would you go about discouraging THAT reunion? However you answer that question may give you some insight into helping yourself and Justin in this situation.
The only time that my son missed his dad - was when we first left. For a year - he was vigilant about going to the PO box and he was SURE every day there would be a letter, a box, some toys - SOMETHING. I kept it open for a year after I left his father. I kept my heart open to anything was possible, and as 1 year rolled in to 2, it became apparent to me the man had too many problems to write. He never sent a dime. The day after I closed our PO box - a letter came. It had 1 $1.00 bill crumpled up in it. With a letter saying that he sure did miss him. Hoped he was well. And while all this sounds TERRIBLY Lifetime movie channel - while all he could send was a dollar - he had (unbeknown to me) ran up over $22,000 on my credit having a hooker girlfriend pose as me who forgot my license at the signing of a $45k truck and then tried to use my sons SS# to obtain more credit. So that letter all told cost me around 100k. I think it was a fair deal - he stays away, tries to be a martyr and I have my son.
He's only made contact via his mother once. He sent a used toy in a brand new toy carton and difficult child ran around for 15 minutes doing the "TOLD YA SO" with hand gestures - until he opened the box and found the toy to be rusted, broken and used. WE (DF and I) knew what was in the box as DF had looked and we told him to be appreciative of ANY gift he gets. He was so angry he took the thing outside, beat it with a ball bat, and then came in and asked DF if he would help him set it on fire - so they did. The man just couldn't see his way to send one nice thing. Pathetic. Others might say he tried - but not with a 2500.oo a week habit - but that stunt cost him the next 5 years of difficult child's life. All speak and talk about biof stopped.
When it reared it's ugly little head again - you know that age -16 I want a car, I should have money for a car - tell that so and so to send me a car - if I were there he would get me a car. (yeah right - he couldn't even send you a nice toy) SO I thought THIS was the opportunity I'd waited a long enough time for. I went to my potting shed, got out a box with cards, letters, police reports, hospital bills, and the like. I sat difficult child down in the yard and I said "THIS is what I tried so desperately to keep you from and I made him sit and listen to the ravings of a true sociopath. The death threats on me, my family the ugly words, name calling in letters he sent to my parents, the envelopes marked with horrible names to make sure the mailman knew I was trash - and I read these lines mixed with flip-floppy words of "if you just come back to me" and on the next line - "because if you don't I will kill your entire family." and difficult child sat there next to me silent as the grave my x was sure to put us in.
I answered a lot of questions that day. I answered a lot of questions like "Why", "When", "WHO", and one of his biggest issues was that he thought I had left him when my x kidnapped him. My son was used as the bait to get me to come back into our relationship so he could kill me. The second attempt I made to get my son he nearly succeeded - and difficult child never knew. He never knew how I was treated by his family. He never knew why I never spoke a bad word about the man to him. Why I didn't tell him about the drugs, the drinking and then he told me about all the women - lol. I knew - but I said some times you just have to wait for your kids to grow up so you can share grown up information with them.
My son is now 17. He's in a group home that is less than desirable, and he is just shocked and outraged at how people live near where he is. He describes them as low lifes, drug dealers, thiefs - animal abusers, and not educated. I told him that I thought maybe it was good that he saw that - because had I not took him out of the life we were in - There for the Grace of God went him......and it floored him. I told him to take that situation and add a baby to it, and then remember the notes and letters that were written that we read that day. Then I told him to find a way out -
He's made a couple attempts to contact his biof's family. They are master manipulators and just better off there - while we are here. in my humble opinion no "revisiting" needs to happen. Up until the last week or so I really thought difficult child would take off to pursue finding his "kind of people" and after seeing the travesties in his own neighborhood and putting all the info together - I dont' think there will be more calls to the bio family. They are the epitome of dysfunction and NOT how I raised Dude. When our boys are 18 - they are free to do what they want and some of what they are going to do will cut like a hot knife in butter - and we once again will be called on to be the silent parent.
But it pays off. You're raising David to be a decent young man. You're putting tools in his path to allow him to become the best person he can be. Even if he doesn't utilize those skills now - they're there always. The fact that you stopped the cycle of abuse with Justin - is remarkable. The fact that while his Mom may not ever be in the picture - nothing you can do. But what I believe is that when these kids do or may go back to see what they think they missed - the handwriting will be on the wall and nothing can make up for ignoring your own child. Not with that child. The relationship may heal to a point - but only to a point. There will always be that fear that Mom will take off and leave him again. Except if there is a next time? It won't hurt so bad - and the one that they call will be us.
Just ignore it = save any thoughts or ideas about it on paper - type it up and put it in a folder where Justin cant get to it for a long long time until you think he can handle it - 16 y.o. +. Then sit him down if he's still curious and tell him your point on things, then tell him that you did your best to keep him from growing up in a lifestyle that perpetuates violence and stupidity. Tell him mostly then - that the greatest gift his mom could have ever given him in her mental state - was to give him to YOU.
And let it go.
Star
Steely
Active Member
Just also wanted you to know that Justin is not alone in this journey. It breaks a kid's heart to have one of their parent's reject them. My son has struggled with this for 16 years. He held out hope for his dad, he hated his dad, he "adopted" other dads........and on and on.
Last year, his dad decided he wanted to be "dad" again - which is more like an 18 year old in a 42 yo body. None the less........his dad is present and accounted for. There is some healing that has taken place, but just as much confusion, resentment, and an over excessive amount of dad pleasing going on.
I was always honest with my son. I held him when he cried for his dad. I encouraged him to write him letters, even when he did not know where to send them. But most of all I told him over and over again that his dad loved him. Because he did/does - despite his presence, or lack thereof in his son's life.
in my opinion, the most important thing, is that Justin understands his mom is mentally ill, and impaired.......but absolutely still loves him. IF she could be the mom Justin needed/wanted she would - but she can't right now - maybe some day. This is the message that needs to be communicated to him.......
Last year, his dad decided he wanted to be "dad" again - which is more like an 18 year old in a 42 yo body. None the less........his dad is present and accounted for. There is some healing that has taken place, but just as much confusion, resentment, and an over excessive amount of dad pleasing going on.
I was always honest with my son. I held him when he cried for his dad. I encouraged him to write him letters, even when he did not know where to send them. But most of all I told him over and over again that his dad loved him. Because he did/does - despite his presence, or lack thereof in his son's life.
in my opinion, the most important thing, is that Justin understands his mom is mentally ill, and impaired.......but absolutely still loves him. IF she could be the mom Justin needed/wanted she would - but she can't right now - maybe some day. This is the message that needs to be communicated to him.......
mom23gsfg
New Member
some people just don't deserve to be parents!( to be truthful i call those donors not a parent whether ....it be a sperm or egg donor) im in the same situation with my 3 kids. their dad has nothing to do with them. and the only time he has ever wanted to have anything to do with them is when he has nothing else to do because he is in jail once again and has time on his hands.
all you can do is just tell him truthfully you dont know why she doesnt come around(do not take the blame for it yourself or say bad things about her in front of him it will only backfire...a child knows who has been there and who hasnt in the end)
and tell him you believe she does love him but that some people just dont know how to show love properly. and that it is her loss not his .that he is one great kid he didnt do anything wrong.as long as he knows this everything will turn out good.
it makes me so sad to see my and everyone elses kids out there without both parents but as ive mostly noticed the poor kids are probly better off without them in their lives.
everything will work out in the end.
all you can do is just tell him truthfully you dont know why she doesnt come around(do not take the blame for it yourself or say bad things about her in front of him it will only backfire...a child knows who has been there and who hasnt in the end)
and tell him you believe she does love him but that some people just dont know how to show love properly. and that it is her loss not his .that he is one great kid he didnt do anything wrong.as long as he knows this everything will turn out good.
it makes me so sad to see my and everyone elses kids out there without both parents but as ive mostly noticed the poor kids are probly better off without them in their lives.
everything will work out in the end.
