How to get them out of your house - ?

[Hostage]

My son turned 18 a couple of months ago. He's still constantly oppositional and causes crisis after crisis in my house. I've raised him since he was 2, thought I was helping him but all he's doing now is destroying my house, destroying my life, and forcing his sister to live in a war zone.

He will graduate from HS next week, by the skin of his teeth, and supposedly will attend college 9 hours away from us. I'm gladly paying for it. Being honest with myself, I don't think he's going to make it one semester. His social and academic problems have gotten slightly better over the past year, but I just don't see it happening. I hope he succeeds, but in all likelihood, he'll be thrown out of the residence halls before failing out.

My tank is empty. I'm not letting him live with me after August 17th unless he's succeeding in school and is only home on breaks. I'm not sure how to announce this to him without making it sound to him like I expect him to fail, but that's not important right now. What is important is finding a plan B.

New York State requires parents to financially support their children until the age of 23, which is absolutely ridiculous, but something I have to deal with. Has anyone put their kid in a halfway house or some other therapeutic environment? I can't pay $7 grand a month for one of those wilderness schools either, or he'd have been there for the last 8 years. I'm required to support him financially, but I'm sure not rewarding him for getting thrown out of school with a bachelor pad. I'm looking for somewhere both therapeutic and punitive. Any ideas? He doesn't have drug problems yet, miraculously, so I'd like to keep him away from that environment if possible.

Thanks.

 

[BusynMember]

Wow. You sure about the drugs? Or alcohol?

What happened to him before he was two?

Can you move to another state? This is a serious suggestion! 23 is absolutely outrageous!

 

[keista]

I seem to recall discussing this NY State age thing with another parent. The financial responsibility of the minor until age 23 is a bit of a misnomer. It's mostly for purposes of child support, but I can se it being used in cases of property damage as well. However If he chooses to move out due to refusal to follow reasonable rules, then he is considered emancipated.

http://www.avvo.com/legal-answers/under-new-york-child-support-laws--at-what-age-doe-15584.html That answer appears to be three years old, so it may have now been changed to 23, but again, there are exceptions to the rules.

 

[DammitJanet]

23! I thought it was 21 but maybe it has changed. Geesh, we have kids serving in the military who do entire tours before they are 23! A 4 year college education doesnt make them 23. I would move from NY before he turns 18 if I was you. I really this doesnt help you much. I have no idea how to do this. I do think there is some wiggle room where you can make them so absolutely miserable with your list of home rules and if they dont follow them, they are out on their rears. That makes it so that they cant go get social services which is what that law is made to forbid. At least I think it is.

 

[1905]

I would announce it to him, heck yes. Not in a way that would sound like you expect him to fail, but in a way that says, "This is the end of the line." Say it in a way that will open his eyes a little further to consequenses of bad choices he may make. Tell him his entire financial future rides on his performance here. Tell him how much money he'll make doing a minimum wage job, and how hard that job will be. Tell him how a job of his choosing will be fun, not even work, which is the most important thing of all. Try to light a fire under him so he'll never want to fail there. Some boys are so immature. I have an 18 yr old who just flunked physics because well, he already got accepted to college and that was the end of any effort. I'm scared he's going to waste my money as well. They may surprise us!