How to handle a 'friend'?

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by maxeygirls, Mar 23, 2010.

  1. maxeygirls

    maxeygirls New Member

    I have a friend who is pretty much a difficult child herself, she's asked a lot of me before but this tops the cake. I'm not sure how to handle this. I got a frantic call from her last week saying she had been involved in a situation and used me as a witness. I live in another state and I'm positive I was not there. I told her I wouldn't do this and she said she'd take care of it. My sitter told me a police officer called and left a message for me asking for me to call him regarding the situation. :mad:
    I hate calling her out, I thought she'd take care of this but she didn't. I called her, she said she would handle it but I'm sure the police will call me again.
    I have so much going on with difficult child, husband coming home sooner than I ever expected, and both of my parents being very ill. I can't take this. On top of all of this I may be going for a law enforcement job when husband comes home and can't have this hanging over my head.
    I really didn't want to have to be the one to tell them I wasn't there and I don't think "she isn't willing to help" is going to get my name out of this.
    Suggestions anyone?
  2. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    Friends don't put friends in such a position. I think you should verify your name isn't involved.
  3. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Agreed. Some friend. I won't lie for my family much less someone who keeps putting me in hard to deal with situations.
  4. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Agree as well- it's one thing to help a friend out or testify to something that a person really did witness in order to serve justice- but no friend would ask you to lie so blatantly.
  5. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    If it were me? I'd return the officer's call and inform him that I was not a witness to anything, that in fact I don't even have a clue as to what I was supposed to have witnessed.

    Heck, I wouldn't lie for family like that, let alone a friend, nor would I ask for someone to do it for me.

    So not worth it. Some "friend".
  6. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    I am so sorry.
    I would NOT lie for her.
    If asked, just say you could not be a witness because you weren't there. If you feel compelled to soften the blow for her for some reason, you might gently imply that your friend got mixed up or confused.
    But do make it clear that you are not able to be a witness. If there is any doubt, verify, etc.
    Yep, this is a highly questionable friend.
    Protect yourself and take good care of yourself.
  7. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    Agreed. She lied, not you. You have nothing to worry about. She isn't worried about using you for her benefit. Let that friendship go and be straight with the police.
  8. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    No way would I let anyone put me in a position of being a liar to the police to benefit themselves. No how, no way.
  9. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Hypothetical - what if you were non-commital with the officer, said tat maybe you were there but couldn't be sure. Or maybe you could remember being there and nothing happened?
    Then friend 'fesses up, tells the cops she made it all up, you weren't there after all.

    Where would that leave you? You'd be in the crud, well and truly, all because of something she started.

    She may have used you as a referee purely out of panic. But now cooler heads should be prevailing, it's time to come clean.

    if she won't, and you gave her plenty of option to do it, you at least have to be truthful completely.

    Would she ever do the same thing for you? Could you trust her to alibi you in a similar situation? Or would she go to pieces and mess it up?

    I suspect this also helps answer your question.

  10. maxeygirls

    maxeygirls New Member

    If they find sufficient evidence, this case is going to be too severe to be non-commital, I fully expect legal action if I fail to communicate. I really have little choice. But to complicate things my dad fully believes she may try to blackmail me. When I first met her, and for 6 months after that she was a normal, caring, compassionate person. Heck she helped so much with difficult child and easy child while husband has been gone that I wondered how I'd survive when she moved! It's only been since she moved that the other side slowly came out. I trusted her and turned to her with my deepest problems and some mistakes I've made. She could quite possibly ruin my marriage simply because I don't think our marriage can handle everything we're already dealing with plus secrets, no matter how old or small they are.
    Yes I have 'dirt' on her but if she were upset and not in her right mind I don't think she'd consider that. Something isn't right there, she needs help but I cant play 'save the world' here, I've done that for too many people for too long and my family suffers.
    So I have a decision(or a few) to make; tell the police then decide to change my contact info just in case (which will really tick her off if she wasn't planning on screwing up my life and she may then decide to) or wait it out to see what she does. OR I can ignore this until they subpoena me... if they don't toss the whole thing out. With the lack of evidence so far that isn't ruled out.
    Ugh, I can't believe I got myself into this! It makes me truly question how I trust anyone at all.
  11. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I would take a few deep breaths, and wait for the police to contact me. I've been through similar things with a friend of mine, and even though she uses my address as a mailing address, I don't know what her current address is. I don't want to know. When the nice officer showed up looking for her several years ago, I could honestly say Lea had never lived here, this was simply an address to use because she didn't have one, and I really didn't know where she was.

    I was also subpoenaed after we helped her leave an abusive situation, but fortunately I wasn't called. It could have been very damaging for me if I'd been asked about certain things, so I'm relieved it never went that far. I do understand your dilemma, but try not to stress about it.
  12. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    If you are really concerned at what she might do with the informaiton you shared, then let the police know about this concern as well. Then if she does try this one on, kick the proceedings into higher gear.

    As for what she might try to divulge about things you have told her - if she is looking increasingly like becoming a convicted felon, of what value is her word gonig to be, when it comes to besmirching you? After all, it's your word against hers...

    But if it begins to look really bad and you're worried she could cause you considerable grief in your relationships, then pre-empt her and tell people yourself.

    But frankly I wouldn't pre-empt just yet. It's quite possible that al lthe things you told her, she has either forgotten the fine detail or forgotten completely. People like that tend to be extremely selfish, and selfish people tend to not remember details about other people's lives - they're just not that important. If they're going to do damage, ti tends to be immediate, rather then delayed.

    My 'stalker' from ten years ago caused me a great deal of grief until I worked out who it was. But it wasn't just me she was damaging, but a close friend of mine. She was angry with my friend because of a perceived betrayal, and part of her attack on my also connected to the friend who was the main one in her sights. I was simply collateral damage.
    What she had on my friend - "she is having an affair with a married man" which was the news the stalker shared with everyone at church. Stalker was also upset because the "married man" (who was in reality separated from his wife, they'd been separated for years) had rejected a pass from the stalker out of hand. Lovely - make a pass at your best friend's married lover... because they were 'besties' at that time.
    My friend could have denied the story, but it's not her style. Also, the stalker had a lot of credibility at the time, which your 'friend' does not.

    In your case - I'd call the cops back and set the record straight, pronto. Then wait and see. You might not need to do any more. I suspect she will be too busy trying to extricate herself from the outcome of her own lies.

  13. maxeygirls

    maxeygirls New Member

    Well in true difficult child style this whole situation seems to be over...for now. She has a new problem at the moment and I just got my head ripped off for simply sending her a text message telling her that unless she told the police I was not there, I would have to because I can't go through all of this with everything else going on and ignoring it won't make it any better. I guess that little text was so insulting since she has another problem and I'm so inconsiderate that she's furious with me. Although she made one comment about all she's supposedly done for me and how I wasnt willing to do this for her, she didn't push much and appears to have moved on to another issue.
    I think if she was going to try anything 'sneaky' with me, she would have said something in her angry state. I guess I'll just let this all play out.
    I have too much going on for this petty game anyways, husband is coming home soon. Besides, my laptop is broken and any time now it'll just give up and die, I'll have to put it in the waiting box to send in for repair and it'll be gone for a whole two weeks. That will truly be a huge issue, not this :tongue:
  14. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    As I suspected - she's too self-centred to have remembered any possible dirt on you.

    You've warned her to tell the truth because you won't lie for anyone. "After all she's done for you", eh?

    There is no justification, ever, for lying to cover up a crime for someone. Surely you thought she was being good to you because she cared about you and wished you well? So why would she now want to put you at risk with the law? Friendship, true friendship, should be unconditional and never call in favours.

    Isn't it interesting - whenever I've herd someone say, "After all I've done for you," it's generally coming form someone who never did anything unselfish for anyone else.

    With friends like that, who needs enemas?

  15. maxeygirls

    maxeygirls New Member

    So very true. Granted she did help with easy child the first time I had to get difficult child into the hospital and she did help me get difficult child admitted into another hospital when ours didn't seem to have any openings. But I've gone above and beyond what someone without kids would do for another person and to hear that tonight made me almost snort on the phone. Snorting is not considered sympathetic or a good way to keep a conversation respectful so I held back... barely.
    In the end I insulted her by bringing up a subject other than the one she was focused on even though she dragged me into it against my will. I'm a terrible friend, I know. Oh and it wasn't she who committed a crime, she claims the crime was against her but I'm having a hard time buying all of that. Oh well, she's angry with me for being so self-centered so I'll just go focus on making the final preperations for husband's homecoming, go help a friend who is pregnant and on bedrest with two kids, re-seal my back porch so that our maintenance crew isn't too overworked, oh and re-wire the lights, no sense in them having to worry about it, make four meals for my parents for next week, paint a friend's living room, oh and I can't forget... paint difficult child's toenails so she's pretty for Daddy. Wow I really am so selfish!
    Maybe this will be the end of difficult child-Friend trying to rely on me? One can only hope...
  16. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Just because gfgfriend is "over" this does NOT mean the police are. Do yourself a favor and call the police back. Tell them you have no idea what the issue is, nor do you want to, but you were nowhere near her for the last X weeks or days. This is esp important as you want a job in law enforcement maybe. Lies and/or ignoring this will only hurt YOU. The police have longer attention spans than gfgfriend does, I would bet. And I rarely bet. The police officer may be busy or having a day or two off, but he will follow up. If you don't clear it up now it will bite you in the tookus. If nothing else you will wonder/worry about it.

    She is not a friend, never really was, and it is best to cut communication with her totally. been there done that. Let the machine take her calls or block her number after calmly telling her you don't want to continue the relationship after she attempted to bring you into something that the police were involved in.

    Real friends don't endanger each other with lies to the police. Period.