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How to just stay out of it...
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<blockquote data-quote="Kalahou" data-source="post: 676766" data-attributes="member: 19617"><p>Hi Lil, …. I hear you and understand. Been there/done that with variations of the theme. We panic for our hurting kids, because we still feel like we are mommies who want to fix everything with a kiss and a bandaid and make it alright again. We can’t fix the things in their lives anymore. Relationship issues are hard to experience and learn from even at mature ages. These kids are so young, and don’t even know themselves yet, but yet they think only of themselves and instant gratification. These young kids don’t see life beyond the moment. Your son is scared for himself and for the moment. Sounds like the girlfriend is still a child having a ride, like a fun vacation / a new experience, with new things being provided for her, and being taken care of without having to make any commitment or contribution. </p><p></p><p>Our panic and worried feelings and emotions are actually just physical reactions to our thoughts. Sounds like your feelings of hating to feel responsible to "do something" might be sending your body into a physical “fight or flight” mode and that's why we feel do drained and hate it to feel "in the middle" like we need to do something. </p><p></p><p>JMHO. What works for me when I feel like that, I leave the scene to do something physical to pump the stress and adrenaline out – for me it’s leaving for a couple of hours to “power walk” around 5 or more miles (leave the phone at home) . Often during those times, the mind gets some clarity and peace. Then when I get home sweaty and thirsty, there are “me” things to attend to for a awhile, such as having a cold drink and a shower. The urgency has dissipated, and I find I have survived the immediacy of my panicky feelings.</p><p></p><p>On another thread, Cedar posted the following comments **</p><p></p><p>** This {<em>situation / what’s happening</em>} is only for you to observe. Your child is still trapped in something he cannot break free of with your help. He needs to do this alone.</p><p></p><p>** It helps me sometimes, when I know there is nothing I can do without making the situation worse, to repeat: "<strong>There is nothing I need to do." </strong></p><p></p><p>I love what Cedar said – “<em>There is nothing I need to do."</em> There's nothing I need to do about my son’s situation, but I do need to take care of what’s happening to me physically (feelings / emotions) to release the stress. That's why getting out to walk or something else requiring exertion helps me personally and helps me “stay out of it.”</p><p></p><p>There’s nothing you can do for son and girlfriend. You do need to do something for yourself. In bad snowy weather I might need snowshoes to get outside and trek the hillsides for the afternoon, or maybe go to a gym or indoor jogging track or run in place in the house, or pile up some pillows to have a punching session -- (and it will be good exercise to boot ) -- all for just pumping out the “fight / flight” response you feel.</p><p></p><p>Then say a quick prayer of thanks that “ <em>There is nothing I need to do</em>."</p><p>Take care. Kalahou</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Kalahou, post: 676766, member: 19617"] Hi Lil, …. I hear you and understand. Been there/done that with variations of the theme. We panic for our hurting kids, because we still feel like we are mommies who want to fix everything with a kiss and a bandaid and make it alright again. We can’t fix the things in their lives anymore. Relationship issues are hard to experience and learn from even at mature ages. These kids are so young, and don’t even know themselves yet, but yet they think only of themselves and instant gratification. These young kids don’t see life beyond the moment. Your son is scared for himself and for the moment. Sounds like the girlfriend is still a child having a ride, like a fun vacation / a new experience, with new things being provided for her, and being taken care of without having to make any commitment or contribution. Our panic and worried feelings and emotions are actually just physical reactions to our thoughts. Sounds like your feelings of hating to feel responsible to "do something" might be sending your body into a physical “fight or flight” mode and that's why we feel do drained and hate it to feel "in the middle" like we need to do something. JMHO. What works for me when I feel like that, I leave the scene to do something physical to pump the stress and adrenaline out – for me it’s leaving for a couple of hours to “power walk” around 5 or more miles (leave the phone at home) . Often during those times, the mind gets some clarity and peace. Then when I get home sweaty and thirsty, there are “me” things to attend to for a awhile, such as having a cold drink and a shower. The urgency has dissipated, and I find I have survived the immediacy of my panicky feelings. On another thread, Cedar posted the following comments ** ** This {[I]situation / what’s happening[/I]} is only for you to observe. Your child is still trapped in something he cannot break free of with your help. He needs to do this alone. ** It helps me sometimes, when I know there is nothing I can do without making the situation worse, to repeat: "[B]There is nothing I need to do." [/B] I love what Cedar said – “[I]There is nothing I need to do."[/I] There's nothing I need to do about my son’s situation, but I do need to take care of what’s happening to me physically (feelings / emotions) to release the stress. That's why getting out to walk or something else requiring exertion helps me personally and helps me “stay out of it.” There’s nothing you can do for son and girlfriend. You do need to do something for yourself. In bad snowy weather I might need snowshoes to get outside and trek the hillsides for the afternoon, or maybe go to a gym or indoor jogging track or run in place in the house, or pile up some pillows to have a punching session -- (and it will be good exercise to boot ) -- all for just pumping out the “fight / flight” response you feel. Then say a quick prayer of thanks that “ [I]There is nothing I need to do[/I]." Take care. Kalahou [/QUOTE]
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