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How to just stay out of it...
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<blockquote data-quote="TheWalrus" data-source="post: 676768" data-attributes="member: 19905"><p>I agree - sounds like if you aren't careful you will be entrapped in triangulation. I have learned the hard way that when Difficult Child comes with rages about a partner and I take her side, it can come back to haunt you. If they work it out, everything gets turned around and Difficult Child tells girl/boyfriend everything you said about them and then you have BOTH of them resenting you, even though you were "on" your child's side. My daughter has done this several times. It can go back and forth endlessly like a tennis match and you are constantly missing the serve your child bounces back and forth (because you will always end up wrong in the end) if you aren't careful.</p><p></p><p>You also have to remember, regardless of what you think of your child's partner, that you are only getting ONE point of view - and it is the point of view of an "adult" that you know yourself does not always behave appropriately or make the best decisions. I have never had my daughter tell me the "entire" story and have found out after the fact, after I have taken "her" side, and after I have been ensnared in her drama, that she played a very big part in the drama and was in no way an innocent.</p><p></p><p>I have learned to keep my voice completely neutral and give neutral responses like, "I am sorry that happened," and, "That doesn't sound pleasant," as she goes on. Then I repeatedly say, "Well, I know it is hard but I know you will do what is best for you," and, "I know you will figure this out." Regardless of what kind of relationship/problem she brings to me (friends, boyfriends, family, etc.), this is how I respond.</p><p></p><p>Because I am "boring" and don't get emotional and take her side, raging against whomever with her, and I don't "offer" her ways out or to rescue her, she rarely tries to drag me into her relationship drama anymore. </p><p></p><p>You can't play tennis without a partner.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="TheWalrus, post: 676768, member: 19905"] I agree - sounds like if you aren't careful you will be entrapped in triangulation. I have learned the hard way that when Difficult Child comes with rages about a partner and I take her side, it can come back to haunt you. If they work it out, everything gets turned around and Difficult Child tells girl/boyfriend everything you said about them and then you have BOTH of them resenting you, even though you were "on" your child's side. My daughter has done this several times. It can go back and forth endlessly like a tennis match and you are constantly missing the serve your child bounces back and forth (because you will always end up wrong in the end) if you aren't careful. You also have to remember, regardless of what you think of your child's partner, that you are only getting ONE point of view - and it is the point of view of an "adult" that you know yourself does not always behave appropriately or make the best decisions. I have never had my daughter tell me the "entire" story and have found out after the fact, after I have taken "her" side, and after I have been ensnared in her drama, that she played a very big part in the drama and was in no way an innocent. I have learned to keep my voice completely neutral and give neutral responses like, "I am sorry that happened," and, "That doesn't sound pleasant," as she goes on. Then I repeatedly say, "Well, I know it is hard but I know you will do what is best for you," and, "I know you will figure this out." Regardless of what kind of relationship/problem she brings to me (friends, boyfriends, family, etc.), this is how I respond. Because I am "boring" and don't get emotional and take her side, raging against whomever with her, and I don't "offer" her ways out or to rescue her, she rarely tries to drag me into her relationship drama anymore. You can't play tennis without a partner. [/QUOTE]
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How to just stay out of it...
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