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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 657422" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>JulieAnn, you know how you feel dread in the seconds before you really wake up? You have vague thoughts of your son...with the feeling of worry and alarm...but most of all fear...that you need to do something....</p><p></p><p>That is how I woke up. I hurt all over.</p><p></p><p>My next thoughts were: <em>I will always be like this. I might never get better. I will always be in physical pain. </em></p><p><em></em></p><p>Stop.</p><p></p><p>Thoughts are actual processes, just like any other process in the physical world. We can shape our thoughts to a large extent.</p><p></p><p>I am at the beginning, in terms of how to do it, but I am getting the concept.</p><p></p><p>Our brains are like computers (computers are like our brains?) Our memory is filled with all of the bytes of information with which we have filled it in the past, shaped by our experience and habits, the the software, so to speak.</p><p></p><p>It is a process of deciding what information and practices we now want to choose to substitute.</p><p></p><p>With respect to my waking dread: How my day proceeds is to some extent my choice. I do not need to succumb to my fear if I choose not to.</p><p></p><p>I can challenge those thoughts, see that I am trying to scare myself. ALWAYS and NEVER when they refer to feelings are always suspicious characters. I tell myself that. Already I feel better.</p><p></p><p>I calm down pretty quickly.</p><p></p><p>I stumble down the hall to the kitchen and living room. Should I weigh myself or not? I have been trying to lose weight....I have yielded to "the fog," these past 9 days and chosen to not weigh myself.</p><p></p><p>I chose to weigh myself. I have gained 2.5 pounds. Victory, I tell myself. Why, victory???</p><p></p><p>I have confronted my fear, and I have taken control. I will be conscious. I do not have to live in the fog. I can choose to curb my eating. To write down what I eat. Exercise. Be conscious. The process with our thinking is no different.</p><p></p><p>I am borrowing the concept "fog" from ScentofCedar, I think. I don't remember the book from which she learned it.</p><p></p><p>The way I understand "fog" is kind of like the feeling with which I woke up. It is an amorphous,gauzy thing that distorts my understanding of where I am, and what is going on. It lingers in the air. I feel no control. I cannot see clearly. I cannot see where I am going. I just feel scared. I feel dread and fear.</p><p></p><p>Sometimes we choose the fog. It feels preferable to be in the fog than in clear skies. We choose it when we fear seeing, fear knowing. I have lived in the fog for many, many months now. I am strong enough to seek clear skies.</p><p></p><p>A number of members have very generously shared the books and concepts that have helped them. A few that come to mind right now are ChildofMine, ScentofCedar and RecoveringEnabler.</p><p></p><p>JulieAnn, this way of thinking is a bad habit that can be changed. There are reasons that we hang onto the kind of guilt that seems so strong and persistent as to have the power to stop us, limit us, define us.</p><p></p><p>Some of us are looking at the patterns we learned in our families. We post about that.</p><p></p><p>But other things, too, influence the choice to cling to and live with limits. We sometimes believe in magic...that if we suffer...we can bargain for our child. Some of us post about this, too.</p><p></p><p>There is a lot going on here on this board: coping, understanding, examining, analyzing, exploring. A lot of work is going on.</p><p></p><p>JulieAnn, I do not want to be rude, here. But what in the world does your sleep and bed have to do with your son's? He is no longer an infant...you no longer responsible for buying his crib, putting on his sleepers.</p><p></p><p>There is the magical belief that some of us mothers have, I among them.</p><p></p><p>We believe falsely that:</p><p><strong><em></em></strong></p><p><strong><em>THERE IS SOMETHING THAT WE CAN THINK OR FEEL, </em></strong><em>that will restore them to well-being, and I will do it and do it and never stop doing so that my child will be safe and happy. </em></p><p></p><p>While heroic and admirable of us, and eminently self-sacrificing, there is no way that our suffering can change anything whatsoever about the circumstances that our adult children are choosing.</p><p></p><p>Your suffering does not work to change things for your adult child. It does not work. Your suffering only makes you suffer. Nothing more.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes, JulieAnn, you are exactly right. You know it, I know it. But sometimes, we need each other to remember.</p><p></p><p> Control, is tough to do, I think, because after all, we are humans. But we can, I believe, come to challenge our thoughts, dialog with them and learn alternatives that are infinitely kinder and realer than those we have been battering ourselves with.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 657422, member: 18958"] JulieAnn, you know how you feel dread in the seconds before you really wake up? You have vague thoughts of your son...with the feeling of worry and alarm...but most of all fear...that you need to do something.... That is how I woke up. I hurt all over. My next thoughts were: [I]I will always be like this. I might never get better. I will always be in physical pain. [/I] Stop. Thoughts are actual processes, just like any other process in the physical world. We can shape our thoughts to a large extent. I am at the beginning, in terms of how to do it, but I am getting the concept. Our brains are like computers (computers are like our brains?) Our memory is filled with all of the bytes of information with which we have filled it in the past, shaped by our experience and habits, the the software, so to speak. It is a process of deciding what information and practices we now want to choose to substitute. With respect to my waking dread: How my day proceeds is to some extent my choice. I do not need to succumb to my fear if I choose not to. I can challenge those thoughts, see that I am trying to scare myself. ALWAYS and NEVER when they refer to feelings are always suspicious characters. I tell myself that. Already I feel better. I calm down pretty quickly. I stumble down the hall to the kitchen and living room. Should I weigh myself or not? I have been trying to lose weight....I have yielded to "the fog," these past 9 days and chosen to not weigh myself. I chose to weigh myself. I have gained 2.5 pounds. Victory, I tell myself. Why, victory??? I have confronted my fear, and I have taken control. I will be conscious. I do not have to live in the fog. I can choose to curb my eating. To write down what I eat. Exercise. Be conscious. The process with our thinking is no different. I am borrowing the concept "fog" from ScentofCedar, I think. I don't remember the book from which she learned it. The way I understand "fog" is kind of like the feeling with which I woke up. It is an amorphous,gauzy thing that distorts my understanding of where I am, and what is going on. It lingers in the air. I feel no control. I cannot see clearly. I cannot see where I am going. I just feel scared. I feel dread and fear. Sometimes we choose the fog. It feels preferable to be in the fog than in clear skies. We choose it when we fear seeing, fear knowing. I have lived in the fog for many, many months now. I am strong enough to seek clear skies. A number of members have very generously shared the books and concepts that have helped them. A few that come to mind right now are ChildofMine, ScentofCedar and RecoveringEnabler. JulieAnn, this way of thinking is a bad habit that can be changed. There are reasons that we hang onto the kind of guilt that seems so strong and persistent as to have the power to stop us, limit us, define us. Some of us are looking at the patterns we learned in our families. We post about that. But other things, too, influence the choice to cling to and live with limits. We sometimes believe in magic...that if we suffer...we can bargain for our child. Some of us post about this, too. There is a lot going on here on this board: coping, understanding, examining, analyzing, exploring. A lot of work is going on. JulieAnn, I do not want to be rude, here. But what in the world does your sleep and bed have to do with your son's? He is no longer an infant...you no longer responsible for buying his crib, putting on his sleepers. There is the magical belief that some of us mothers have, I among them. We believe falsely that: [B][I] THERE IS SOMETHING THAT WE CAN THINK OR FEEL, [/I][/B][I]that will restore them to well-being, and I will do it and do it and never stop doing so that my child will be safe and happy. [/I] While heroic and admirable of us, and eminently self-sacrificing, there is no way that our suffering can change anything whatsoever about the circumstances that our adult children are choosing. Your suffering does not work to change things for your adult child. It does not work. Your suffering only makes you suffer. Nothing more. Yes, JulieAnn, you are exactly right. You know it, I know it. But sometimes, we need each other to remember. Control, is tough to do, I think, because after all, we are humans. But we can, I believe, come to challenge our thoughts, dialog with them and learn alternatives that are infinitely kinder and realer than those we have been battering ourselves with. [/QUOTE]
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