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How to Know if you Are/Were the Scapegoat and Stopping It
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 655577" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Confused, I'm happy you have some good family memories of your childhood. Sometimes the scapegoating doesn't start until later, when a compliant child suddenly does something that offends one of the would-be abusers, such as getting into trouble with a teacher. Did your Grandpa even ask your side of the story or did he assume that the teacher had told 100% the truth? In these types of families, when our bullies hear bad things about us, they believe them 100%. They don't stick up for us. I do remember that, although my childhood was never good or filled with affirmation and love, it got worse when I started to really rebel as a teenager, and trust me I spoke up more than you did so it was TERRIBLE. The scapegoat is often the one who blows the family's cover and the family, in self-defense and to deny, decides to say, "No, it's YOUR fault! You're LYING."</p><p></p><p>I got blamed plenty for things I didn't do and no matter what I said , my mother never quite believed me. An example is, I was only supposed to date Jewish boys. I thought it was a really insane rule and I told her that, but for a few years I did obey that rule most of the time. But my mother would jump on me that any boy with blond hair was a gentile boy (horrors). It wasn't true, but she didn't believe me. That made it easy to take the next step. "If she isn't going to believe me anyway, why even try to listen? I think it's a silly rule anyway."</p><p></p><p>As the scapegoat, you are either so compliant that you are afraid to raise your voice or you speak what you feel and if it isn't how THEY feel, you are HORRIBLE! The second one was me and still is, and since I am not longer emotionally related to anybody except my father, I don't care what the other two think of anything I speak out about.</p><p></p><p>I did marry two guys who weren't Jewish. My sister did too, but she got no guff because of her decision. I had paved the way, by standing my ground, to make her life easier for her. SHE wasn't evil for doing what I had done, which was evil <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite2" alt=";)" title="Wink ;)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=";)" /> And she wasn't evil for excluding my brother from her wedding for being ugly. I bring this up because my mother knew why she exclused him and he was her Golden Child, yet sh e let my sister get away with it and I doubt if she ever brought it up again to Sis. If I had done that...I don't even want to think about it...lol.</p><p></p><p>In these types of families, there are rules for each different person. Some can do anything. Some can do almost anything. Some can't do anything right. My mom told me I didnt' adopt kids because I cared about kids who were needy...I did it for the money. The joke was, when she said it to me (in private, of course in a very snotty, mocking voice) I had adopted two kids from overseas and you don't get a subsidy for overseas adoption. I told her, but I was lying. She'd talk over me. "Oh, please!" "Oh, please!" Every thing I di was twisted to be a negative. It was nuts. She was nuts. I was nuts until I realized she was nuts...lol.</p><p></p><p>Families like yours ARE two faced. When they want something from you, they are nice to you if you deliver. When they want something from you and you are NOT compliant, you are the devil himself. But, my cyber-child, you are simply a good young woman who is finally seeing the role you were groomed to play...everyone's caregiver and Cinderella. And you are not loved and accepted unconditionally. If you don't do what they want, you are unaccepted. This is a very sad and also very common dynamic in a dysfunctional family whose Leader is highly controlling. Most of us from abusive families were raised by at least one control freak. 'Do what I say or you're no good." And sometimes there is one chosen scapegoat while the other kids are treated better, even if they arae no better people than you are...or worse. But the Controller whispers about you in their ears and wanting Mommy love, and never asking us for our side of the story, the family is encouraged to also treat the scapegoat as a bad person. It is so freeing to be able to say what I want without taking any mind of w hat my ex-siblings thing of me. They no longer have my ear just because I do love them. I don't know how it happened...but the love is either gone or deeply buried. I feel not responsible for what they like or don't like anymore and I enjoy this freedom.</p><p></p><p>You can not change their minds. Don't try. Just be good to yourself because YOU know who and what you are. They just want to keep your self-esteem low so that they an stay in control over you. Confused, I think you and Cedar are similar in that you just wanted everything to be great so you played your roles to try to make things better. There is no way to make things better, whichever way you try to make it better. You can only make yourself better. Hugs!!!!! <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 655577, member: 1550"] Confused, I'm happy you have some good family memories of your childhood. Sometimes the scapegoating doesn't start until later, when a compliant child suddenly does something that offends one of the would-be abusers, such as getting into trouble with a teacher. Did your Grandpa even ask your side of the story or did he assume that the teacher had told 100% the truth? In these types of families, when our bullies hear bad things about us, they believe them 100%. They don't stick up for us. I do remember that, although my childhood was never good or filled with affirmation and love, it got worse when I started to really rebel as a teenager, and trust me I spoke up more than you did so it was TERRIBLE. The scapegoat is often the one who blows the family's cover and the family, in self-defense and to deny, decides to say, "No, it's YOUR fault! You're LYING." I got blamed plenty for things I didn't do and no matter what I said , my mother never quite believed me. An example is, I was only supposed to date Jewish boys. I thought it was a really insane rule and I told her that, but for a few years I did obey that rule most of the time. But my mother would jump on me that any boy with blond hair was a gentile boy (horrors). It wasn't true, but she didn't believe me. That made it easy to take the next step. "If she isn't going to believe me anyway, why even try to listen? I think it's a silly rule anyway." As the scapegoat, you are either so compliant that you are afraid to raise your voice or you speak what you feel and if it isn't how THEY feel, you are HORRIBLE! The second one was me and still is, and since I am not longer emotionally related to anybody except my father, I don't care what the other two think of anything I speak out about. I did marry two guys who weren't Jewish. My sister did too, but she got no guff because of her decision. I had paved the way, by standing my ground, to make her life easier for her. SHE wasn't evil for doing what I had done, which was evil ;) And she wasn't evil for excluding my brother from her wedding for being ugly. I bring this up because my mother knew why she exclused him and he was her Golden Child, yet sh e let my sister get away with it and I doubt if she ever brought it up again to Sis. If I had done that...I don't even want to think about it...lol. In these types of families, there are rules for each different person. Some can do anything. Some can do almost anything. Some can't do anything right. My mom told me I didnt' adopt kids because I cared about kids who were needy...I did it for the money. The joke was, when she said it to me (in private, of course in a very snotty, mocking voice) I had adopted two kids from overseas and you don't get a subsidy for overseas adoption. I told her, but I was lying. She'd talk over me. "Oh, please!" "Oh, please!" Every thing I di was twisted to be a negative. It was nuts. She was nuts. I was nuts until I realized she was nuts...lol. Families like yours ARE two faced. When they want something from you, they are nice to you if you deliver. When they want something from you and you are NOT compliant, you are the devil himself. But, my cyber-child, you are simply a good young woman who is finally seeing the role you were groomed to play...everyone's caregiver and Cinderella. And you are not loved and accepted unconditionally. If you don't do what they want, you are unaccepted. This is a very sad and also very common dynamic in a dysfunctional family whose Leader is highly controlling. Most of us from abusive families were raised by at least one control freak. 'Do what I say or you're no good." And sometimes there is one chosen scapegoat while the other kids are treated better, even if they arae no better people than you are...or worse. But the Controller whispers about you in their ears and wanting Mommy love, and never asking us for our side of the story, the family is encouraged to also treat the scapegoat as a bad person. It is so freeing to be able to say what I want without taking any mind of w hat my ex-siblings thing of me. They no longer have my ear just because I do love them. I don't know how it happened...but the love is either gone or deeply buried. I feel not responsible for what they like or don't like anymore and I enjoy this freedom. You can not change their minds. Don't try. Just be good to yourself because YOU know who and what you are. They just want to keep your self-esteem low so that they an stay in control over you. Confused, I think you and Cedar are similar in that you just wanted everything to be great so you played your roles to try to make things better. There is no way to make things better, whichever way you try to make it better. You can only make yourself better. Hugs!!!!! :) [/QUOTE]
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How to Know if you Are/Were the Scapegoat and Stopping It
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