How to stop enabling abusive narcissistic entitled adult children

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by SomewhereOutThere, Dec 11, 2016.

  1. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    I am glad you are taking steps in the right direction. My son does the same and i have reached the point where his calls are blocked. It's like my brother said he will drain you dry if you let him. I am also retired. It is always either just this time and i will be good and can pay you back. Or i won't survive if you don't. It never ends. Your son sounds the same. Someone on here told me they will get angry until it sinks in you mean it. It is not your responsibility. One thing that helped me was to think back to what i was doing at his age. I also look at his 2 younger brothers who ask me for nothing. Keep holding those lines.
     
  2. Calgary Mom

    Calgary Mom New Member

    Thank you, Copabanana. You’ve definitely given me some food for thought. I think this forum is going to be a game changer for me.
     
  3. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Dear Calgary Mom

    I am only now realizing that this is an old thread. Others are unlikely to see your post here. If you send a note to RunawayBunny, she is the site administrator, she will move this post to your own new thread. Or you can copy it, and do it yourself.

    All the best.
     
  4. JayPee

    JayPee Sending good vibes...

    Welcome Calgary Mom,

    You may be a "new member" here but you are an old member of the "club". I appreciated reading your post. It gave me more resolve in the path I'm taking. "Not enabling adult sons". It's often our own illusion of reality that puts us in the predicaments we end up in. For me, the illusion that my sons are still caring, loving gentle young boys that I raised, is my own reality that I have to continue to work on because that's what often pangs at my heartstrings.

    The reality is, the only time they "need" me is for money. I'm trash, garbage and kicked to the curb when I won't hand it out.

    I have to remind myself that life, addictions, mental and emotional illness has changed them and at this point they are not working at becoming better people. In fact, I highly doubt they see themselves as the one who needs changing.

    To some degree I can't blame all of this ugly pattern on my sons. After all I played a role in it too. They knew if they hounded me enough and tried to gain my pity (which quite frankly is pretty easy for most of us parents) that I'd cave and give them money. Even if they didn't come right out and ask, if I saw how pitiful, lonely and miserable they looked, I'd give them money without asking.

    They may change someday and then again they may not. In the meantime, I'm working on changing me so I find value in myself to not take such abuse and disrespect.
     
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  5. Calgary Mom

    Calgary Mom New Member

    Hi JayPee: thanks for your reply to my post. To have to live with that times 2 has got to be incredibly difficult. I real like what you said about our illusions of who are sons are. That’s really true for me; I have kept wanting to believe that my son is a sweet boy at heart when time and time again his behaviour shows me otherwise. It is time to start believing what is reality and acting accordingly.
     
  6. Acacia

    Acacia Active Member

    Thank you for posting this. It's important to hear again that no matter my good intentions, I need to step away. Whatever I do, say, or give is never enough for my DS. I want my life back.

    I agree that a good Coda group is invaluable.

    Mamacat, I empathize because my daughter cut herself and grandchildren out of my life. The gift has been learning to love and care for myself.
     
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  7. Beta

    Beta Active Member

    "It took me a very, very long time to arrive here. Somehow, we get ourselves trapped in a place of obligation to our adult children. We feel we are supposed to tolerate whatever cr*p they throw at us out of their own anger, inability to function, addictions, dissappointments etc. There's like a "bad committee" in our heads telling us "just take this kind of abuse one more time because, gosh they were good kids and they're having a tough time." When in reality, none of us adults could successfully or rightfully so dish this kind of stuff out to people we work with or live with, without ramifications."
    So true. Thank you for writing this.

    "For me, the illusion that my sons are still caring, loving gentle young boys that I raised, is my own reality that I have to continue to work on because that's what often pangs at my heartstrings. I have to remind myself that life, addictions, mental and emotional illness has changed them and at this point they are not working at becoming better people."
    Again, so true. This is what I'm working on right now. Getting free of the illusion.
     
  8. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    It was Maya Angelou who said, to paraphrase, when somebody shows you who they are, believe them.

    For me this is true for everybody except for our children. I believe our children act out in all kinds of ways, and can do and say horrible things, and still be inside, themselves. I believe they can return to us. But I am in the very small minority here on this board that believes that it may serve us, if we can hold a beacon of hope that our beloved children will return. Not in self-sacrifice or in denial of the reality of their self-immolation. But in hope.

    I believe we kill off a part of ourselves when we close off completely to the potential of goodness in our children. It's as if to say that we failed, deluded ourselves, and lived in vain. When we kill off our hope. We pay such a price when we close off to that part of us that loved them with all our hearts and all of our souls.

    To keep open to the possibility of the sweetness of love, in ourselves and in our children, is not to accept abuse. It's not to deny the reality of bad behavior. It's to acknowledge that as long as we live we are their parents, and they are our beloved children.

    It's not because the way they live and act makes them worthy of our hope and love but because we are worthy of that, of loving them. We are strong enough to love in the darkness and we deserve that.
     
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    Last edited: Dec 1, 2019