How To Take Back Control From 7Yr Old/Neighbors Complaining Of His Screaming

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Confused, Nov 27, 2013.

  1. Confused

    Confused Guest

    Well, I really really tried not coming back on here but I cant help it- You all are my help. Now, my neighbor called ( nothing new been complaining but now comments that something has to be done)my grandfather to call me and ask what is going on, what is wrong they hear my son screaming bloody murder. )( hes had several mini tantrums today) My son screams like he's being tortured and really can be heard down the block. Of course so can the noise from him kicking in his door, trashing his room. I yelled out the kitchen door" my son has mental disorders and Im trying to get help you all know that" Yes.. my neighbors have heard enough of him now. My friend came at that time to go to the store with us because theres no way could I handle him alone in there and low and behold he acted up.. she heard him several isles away and rushed over to help me. Everyone stared again :( I talked to her about the pills and EEg and she said "you know he's this way with or without the pills" but I said "yes, but I think hes worse!" Telling us to walk in front of behind.. throwing himself on floor saying his sister or I did it is not new.. but even more so and hes not afraid to do it in hes more and more comfortable to do it in public. :(

    Well, we got home and of course my son was getting ready to cook and he scratched his behind, I nicely said wash your hands, he angrily did. Started to cook and scratched it again, so I said nicely again to wash his hands he blew ran in room. Kick, scream etc..Can last 5 minutes or an hour...

    .....Then Calm...

    Now, his food ready to check in oven and he says he wants to do it I said hes not old enough and he demand he do it ran in room slammed door scream bloody murder shutup .. etc...

    I wonder if any medications will ever work.. so far everything Im reading the side effects can cause more aggression :( I know, trial and error with medications...

    I have the book you all suggested read it twice .. Im trying now I gotta get another one to read it but how do I take back control... how do I do this now he's getting worse? The neighbors will call police Im sure.. they are fed up hearing it day and night - rare days nothing. I love my son and I need to find a way. He really does control us and part of that is because he knows I am trying to keep things calm for my dad , so to keep calm for my dad, I dont punish as much as I should. His favorite thing is outside but if I take that way I am really punishing myself and the rest because thats my way to get his energy down ( although pills knocked down at least half of it) plus when I have taken it away... omg is the house shaking and breaking! His room Im clearing out, No Wii or Tv, his door I have to leave or he will pick on our doors so better his then ours. Usual punishments dont work with him, and most time, no matter what we do, after punishment ( twice he was on it two weeks incl no outside) and he went right back and did the same thing!!!!

    Sorry all... I know Im just venting the same ol things. Hope your Thanksgiving is a great one!!! Im gonna do something different and post a couple recipes soon...( food is still my downfall)
  2. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    Try another way of looking it. Not how to take a control back or how to efficiently punish. You have tried that and it is not working.

    Instead try to come up with structure and schedule that helps your son and you others to get through the days with minimal damage. Don't be too afraid of noise or him acting up, but try to understand his triggers and things that tend to lead to him having bad time. And try to come up with things that help him calm or note the situations in which, or after which, he is more calm and agreeable. For example, if playing outside helps him, don't ever take it off as a punishment. Instead make sure he gets enough outside playtime regularly and in right times (for my boys, even for easy child, the nights were absolutely horrible, if they didn't get couple of hours of outside free play after school at that age. Luckily our school days only lasted four hours or less so they had lots of time to play at afternoon before their hobbies and having to do their homework.) Food is another big thing. Try rescheduling snacks, that may make a huge difference.

    Does he like to be read? It was one of magic activities in my house. Having kids with me on the couch and reading for them for half-an-hour after dinner calmed them down really well and helped them concentrate and behave more calmly for rest of the evening.

    Try different things and find the ways that work with your son. medications on themselves are not likely to do the trick, neither are punishments or any other discipline strategies. But try also different discipline strategies. With difficult kids positive reinforcement works often better than punishments. And from negative consequences the natural consequences work better than unrelated punishments.
  3. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    Seems like good advice from SuZir. I should take it myself....
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Confused, you don't have to leave. You aren't here too much. We all posted a lot at the beginning of our "journey." Please stay.

    I think the question is more what to do when you get negative attention from others who don't understand because I personally don't feel you can do much to force him to comply. You may be able to make it better (talk to therapist for strategy) but he has problems that are beyond what one human mother can do much about other than to get him help, which you are doing. This kind of reminds me of somebody I know who had a little boy they adopted as an infant, but there was schizophrenia in his genetic family tree and it turned out that he was never "right." Often when I drove past her house, the police where there because he had broken a window or was so out of control that she, home alone during the day, could not control him. Sometimes his father was home and he couldn't control him either and there were other kids in the home. She heard comments all the time, but she learned to ignore them. If they called CPS, let them. They came to know her and her son and they ended up helping a lot. The neighbors could call the cops. The cops knew the story too. She stopped caring about what others said or thought. I met this woman in a group for parents of adopted kids...we still stay in touch. She took him to a psychiatrist for years and years and therapists, he was on tons of medication, they tried everything.

    You don't owe anyone an explanation nor can you control what other people do or think. But it also isn't important what they think.

    I know that your question was about how to take back control from your mentally ill son, but I don't think it is a parenting issue. Some kids issues are too severe for them to respond to common sense parenting. When I first came here, the regular posters talked about something called "Rhino Skin." I think we should start using that phrase again! As parents of differently wired children, we definitely need to develop rhino skin!

    One day I'll tell you about the day I had to chase Sonic (autistic spectrum and now twenty) down the mall hallway while he screamed like a banshee. If there had been cell phones then, I'm sure somebody would have called the cops on me. Guess what? I just DID tell you! But the kicker is that he is adopted and he is black and I'm white. So you can only imagine how it looked to other shoppers when this two year old black child ran away from me screaming like he was being murdered with me chasing after him desperately trying to catch him before he got out of my sight. I ended up having to carry him, as he screamed, kicked and bit me, out to the car. This incident turned a few heads...I was aware of people gasping and staring. I was in tears.

    This is a situation where outside help and professional interventions are best. You just started doing this. See where it leads you. My son's behavior got considerably better with interventions. But he was neurologically different, not mentally ill as well. Time will tell what is really going on with your son...he is really too young to know yet. Could be more than one thing, and what is wrong is what will dictate what might help him. Take pressure off yourself to do it alone. Hugs!!!!
    Last edited: Nov 28, 2013
  5. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Depending on how CPS is in your area... you could get pre-emptive, and call them yourself.
    Sometimes CPS can get you access to help - including respite. And if they already know the story ahead of time, they know how to respond when/if the neighbors call.
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Great idea by IC and also tell the police that you have a child who is having neurological/mental health issues and that you are doing all you can for him so that if other parents call they have a heads up.

    When the police were called on my acquaintance from the adoption group, they knew the parents were good parents and not abusive (a conclusion they can jump to if they don't know how hard you are trying to help him). You can even go in and make an appointment. to talk to them and show some of the info you have.

    I can't emphasize how helpful CPS and the police were to the couple with the overly disturbed little boy. They were instrumental in getting him humane residential treatment when it was clear he could not live at home anymore (he still visits). They did not threaten the parents because they were well aware of the situation.

    I think pre-emptive explanations from you to the important people who may get involved if neighbors, who are clueless, call CPS or the cops on your family. You can built up a trust and work together. Even when this child would swear at the police, they were used to him and understanding. It has been several years now and this family is doing well with their other three kids, who were victimized by this boy's explosions. They are always happy to see him when he comes home for a weekend visit. When this child lies and tries to say his parents abuse him, he is no longer believed and it is seen as part of his illness. There has never been any marks on him and none of his siblings saw any abuse, not even spankings. In the end, these feared people can end up being your friend. Respite would be great for you and I believe CPS or Social Services can help you with that. You deserve a rest after walking on eggshells almost 24/7.

    Please, please keep coming here. I like you and I don't think I'm the only one. We see your struggles and how hard you are trying to help your child. And post as often as you like. We're here for that purpose.
  7. Confused

    Confused Guest

    SuZir- Great ideas!!! I am deff going to do that.. starting today!!!!! It makes sense and Im glad you agree not to take the outside time off! Im glad this worked for your kids and gives me hope for my son. Outside time for any child is wonderful and healthy. Reading.. he does like to read and have me read to him but he doesn't last very long until he is up and running around or bored. He's in Scouts but just like when he was in Mini Sports, he wanted to do it, but yet at least half the time trying to get him going was a whole other thing! Even when its something he wants to do... its based on his time only. I know medications dont work a lone, for years I asked his pediatrician for a therapist but they said it was all me.. I should take the results of the EEG back to them to show them it wasnt all me!!! Anyway thats over with and now therapy looks like it will happen soon. :) We always do reward him for his good attitude, when hes not angry he is very helpful and smart, fun to me around, we let him know in many forms!

    Malika- we can do this together and let each other know how its going :) I need to see your post how your son is doing on the medications...

    MidwestMom- Thanks, I just feel I am here repeating the same over and over.. well, I am actually. I am glad your friend got the help and I see what your saying about the neighbors and intervention. Actually, as I mentioned in the beginning my mom did have Schizophrenia amd I know theres a chance my kids can get it and usually symptoms dont show until late teens to early adults. Luckily is skipped all of us and I feel in my heart he doesnt have it, but as you said, I wont know for sure until he's older. I do know as you all mentioned and my countless hours on the computer, all his symptems have checklisted for ADHD/ODD which doctors said yes to, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), the doctors believe thats part of the ODD to " get" to us. Time will tell they say. Now, I know he needs more testing but I under Conduct Disorder, you can see what I checked off and I say possible Bipolar but I know- Im no Dr and have to wait.

    CPS here finds you guilty automatically and takes the kids away then investigates :( Ya we have yelled back.. not a great idea and makes it worse but I admit that because I know I have never harmed my kids nor ever will. But my grandpa ( again this morning) says WE made my son this way because of yelling.. Ummmmmm we didnt yell back until after a few years of this!!! But we arent yelling anymore and my son still is strong. I told him it was proven in the EEG that his aggression part is not functioning correctly so for this is to be born that way. He keeps saying theres nothing like that when he was a kids and its all bologna and I told him oh really? Then what was wrong with my mom- she was born that way!! There are Mental/ neurological Illness your born with!!!! Oh of course there are the cases of abuse, but we are not abusing them. Their father is violent, as well as their fathers brother and their father... hereditary too. I told my grandpa they didnt have the technology then and plus people who had issues they locked up in psychiatric Hospitals or threw them in Jail. They didnt know how to handle them. No testing or techniques yikes.

    Some people and their thoughts just because your son is black and your white.. uggh that gets to me! I know adding that to a screaming child people really get weird. I dont see color, in fact one man I wanted to marry was black and let me tell you, a Man he was!!!! I trusted him with my life as well as my daughter ( son wasnt born yet- wasnt pregnant) I got the comments if we had kids how they would be teased, my daughter would be teased and my family and ex broke us up.

    InsaneCdn- I know but.. just hoping thats not the intervention I get. But I do need more proffessionals for sure. Oh the day my son called the cops a while back.. I told the Cop my son was going to the DR to get tested because he is ADHD/ODD and he asked what medications he was on.. I replied nothing yet he just said ok. I am going to bring my son to talk to another cop at the station so they see him and know hes fine. We do have a few cop friends but they dont work in our jurisdiction.

    Best wishes and Happy Thanksgiving to you all.. so far so good here and he has been up since 6:30am!!!!
  8. Confused

    Confused Guest

    [h=3]Specific Symptoms of Conduct Disorder ( you all know this already) Slanted Red is my son... but straight red, please correct me as Im not sure if its the same thing he does compared to list of symptoms??? I know U all cant Diagnose, I just need to understand "differences" before next appointment Thank u[/h] Conduct Disorder is characterized by a repetitive and persistent pattern of behavior in which the basic rights of others or major age-appropriate societal norms or rules are violated, as manifested by the presence of three (or more) of the following criteria in the past 12 months, with at least one criterion present in the past 6_months:

    Aggression to people and animals

    • often bullies, threatens, or intimidates others
    • often initiates physical fights
    • has used a weapon that can cause serious physical harm to others (e.g., a bat, brick, broken bottle, knife, gun) ( chased with-scissors other items no stab, yes sometimes have hit with bat/tball stand, remotes, toys...) same thing????
    • has been physically cruel to people.....just during tantrum hits/chases scissors ,throws things at us or around has bitten us see above...
    • has been physically cruel to animals
    • has stolen while confronting a victim (e.g., mugging, purse snatching, extortion, armed robbery)
    • has forced someone into sexual activity
    Destruction of property

    • has deliberately engaged in fire setting with the intention of causing serious damage
    • has deliberately destroyed others’ property (other than by fire setting) when in his tantrums
    Deceitfulness or theft

    • has broken into someone else’s house, building, or car
    • often lies to obtain goods or favors or to avoid obligations (i.e., “cons” others)
    • has stolen items of nontrivial value without confronting a victim (e.g., shoplifting, but without breaking and entering; forgery)
    Serious violations of rules

    • often stays out at night despite parental prohibitions, beginning before age 13 years
    • has run away from home overnight at least twice while living in parental or parental surrogate home (or once without returning for a lengthy period)
    • is often truant from school, beginning before age 13 years

    Childhood-Onset Type.
    This subtype is defined by the onset of at least one criterion characteristic of Conduct Disorder prior to age 10 years.
    Individuals with Childhood-Onset Type are usually male, frequently display physical aggression toward others, have disturbed peer relationships, may have had Oppositional Defiant Disorder during early childhood, and usually have symptoms that meet full criteria for Conduct Disorder prior to puberty. These individuals are more likely to have persistent Conduct Disorder and to develop adult Antisocial Personality Disorder than are those with Adolescent-Onset Type.
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Confused, I don't think the onlookers were prejudice. I think they may have wondered though who this child was that I was chasing and why was he screaming like I had a butcher knife in my hand just ready to kill him. Yes, he screamed like his life was in danger!!! Yikes!!!

    I did not mean your son has schizophrenia. It's just that whatever he has will not be clear this early. My guess is more than one thing is going on and, psychiatry being an inexact science, there are no blood tests to tell us what is wrong or if our children's diagnosticians are right or not. All we can do is pray and hope for the best. My Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) son started out a terror and got considerably better, but my oldest child who inherited my mental health issues has moments when I think he is no better than he was when he was little and hitting and shoving other kids. So (shrug) none of us can guess the outcome of our journey. I hope for the very, very best for you and your son. You are certainly doing all you can.

    And there is no such thing as posting too much. Check my # of I'm not alone. I started when my son Sonic was young and had a wrong diagnosis of bipolar. Since he is now twenty, I have been here at least for thirteen years. Maybe my experiences can help others?? I don't know. I do try. And I don't ever want you to think you are posting too often. When you get more centered, you will be able to give back if you like, but it is NOT required.
  10. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Things that are done during a tantrum are not "deliberate"... they are reactive. It's a critical difference.

    There was a point where ODD or CD just HAD to apply to my difficult child... in reality? it's a list of other dxes, which because they were not diagnosed, he didn't have the accommodations and interventions he needed at school and was literally going insane. Get the real dxes, and get real help for those dxes and... in our case? even now, those behaviors only show up during... tantrums. (it's scary at difficult child's age... he is in HS; but it is getting better)
  11. Confused

    Confused Guest

    MidwestMom- I see your point, It can go both ways. But sadly for me, the race issue ( most my grandfathers side) is prejudice so just what I been suffering through made me think that. Ya, its amazing how they scream like that! I know you didnt say my son had it, but I do have to brace myself because I do know its a possibility... we have a long road ahead but am glad we are started. One day at a time for all of us. I know your still struggling in different ways, as others here and I hope you all pass through it.

    Yes!!! You have helped me and many others and others have helped me and others!!! ( Too much soda lol) This forum is beyond just somewhere to type... its help, understanding and like a family of sorts. I saw other forums and I just didnt feel the same as I do here.

    One day I hope I can give great advice, but for now, I can offer my support and let everyone know what has or hasn't worked for mine!
  12. Confused

    Confused Guest

    Thank you InsaneCdn!!!! Thats what I needed to know!!! I am still getting more help for an actual diagnoses. I appreciate it and Im glad your son is getting better :)
  13. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    There is one possibility if you are up for it. Read Riley's book "The Defiant Child." I actually like his methods.

    If you are home with him for the majority of the time then you can rock his world. You strip his room down to a mattress, blankets, pillow and one set of clothes at a time. Take everything else out that he has.

    He has to earn everything back. This will be war but its a war you have to win.

    Now I also think outside time is good. At one point I had my son digging holes in the ground, carrying logs all over the yard. He wanted to run so I made him run back and forth between two large trees.

    It can be heck. Mine was hard. When he became a teenager I literally wanted to bring in one of those 6X10 chain link dog pens and put it in his room so I could lock him in. I never did but it sure would have been nice. One thing I just dont understand....the law can put a kid in a pen but their parents cant.
  14. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    There ARE some kids who show antisocial tendencies at a young age and are on that track. We adopted one. Your son is not in a good place. But wait and see what happens as he gets older. Time will tell what is really going on. In the meantime, try hard not to think of what your neighbors, your mother, your kissing cousin, the teachers or anyone think about your child's behavior. You are not the cause of it nor can you cure it, nor could THEY if they were in your shoes (although often clueless parents think "If only he lived in MY house..."

    CPS was not good to my acquaintance at first. They had to see first hand that this kid had really serious problems that had nothing to do with the parents. They had to get hit by the kid (and he was always strong) and to see him scream bloody murder and destroy things in front of them and hear him cuss like a soldier before they tried to find help for the family and the child. The police also had to be called over several times to know how to handle him (at least to calm him down). They became very helpful. Those who remained close to the family and knew the boy realized he was sick, not "bad." He actually has a very good heart, but he is very, very mentally sometimes he is unable to show it. He was removed from the house when he displayed inappropriate feelings towards his younger sister. At the time he was eleven and they had not expected that to happen (the strange feelings towards his much younger sister). Although he had not touched her thankfully, he admitted he was attracted to "young girls like my sister." For safety reasons, he was removed.

    But now they say their home is peaceful with their other two children and them. He has a biological sister whom was also adopted into this family and she started out even harder than him and they thought SHE would be the problem. She has really come around and is a joy as a daughter, even though she shares this boy's genes and his unstable beginnings. She went to an outpatient treatment center for school on eyear and her entire life and attitude changed and now she is a great and loving daughter. Go figger.

    You never know how your story will turn out. For this girl, now fourteen, she is just a lovebug. So it is really impossible to guess the future of any of our kids. Or any kids at all!
  15. Confused

    Confused Guest

    DammitJanet- Thank you. I actually started doing that once... no way I can take furniture out tho, but everything else will come out. I will get that book. Good idea about all the exercise with your son!! I be wiped out in 10 minutes!!

    MidwestMom-Iknow what your saying and its good that everything worked out.

    Well...great morning already... I got to get son his in a rage in his room all because I let him know I was getting in the bathroom unless he needed it first :( They are suppose to leave in 5 minutes and yet he is in his mood. Guess hes going late again :(