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Failure to Thrive
How to take control of my circumstances and my destiny. II
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 693744" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Well, this could be my theme song. I will try to look at this objectively through your post, to see if we can get somewhere.</p><p></p><p>First, people are hurtful. In general I think people do not take responsibility or care to for how much they hurt other people.</p><p></p><p>Second, I believe that some people "look" more vulnerable in that they are more open to their feelings, express them, and show hurt and reaction to being hurt. And they may not defend themselves. I believe that people like this are easy "marks" and some people go after them.</p><p></p><p>I can go for years and not be targeted at work. When I am not targeted, it seems I have kept my cards close to my vest, not revealed anything about myself, tried to keep a poker face, been very selective about who I let in.</p><p></p><p>This time, for all of the years of suffering, I have not done so. I think I want to be more open too. I have been a long time without female friendships in particularly. I have isolated myself from women for the reasons you describe.</p><p></p><p>I used to be a woman with many, many friends. I was the one in my family who was legendary for making good and intimate friendships, and keeping them. I think what changed, is this feeling as having been "betrayed." I am wondering now if I just did not accept the humanity of other people. I moved on rather than worked to keep the relationship.</p><p></p><p>I talk to M a lot about this. M is like me in that he makes friends easily, attracts people to him. He has moved on in his life too, but he does not blame himself, or anybody else. He just seems to think it is what it is. I think that is the main sense in which we differ, the self-blame, always putting the responsibility on ourselves. For everything.</p><p></p><p>M really, really hates it when I allow people to hurt me, and do not respond in some way to protect myself. In M's mind--I need to attack back. Put it right back to them. </p><p></p><p>I believe I must allow people to hurt me, for the very same dynamic I describe above: Letting myself be the pin cushion, because everything <em>has to be my fault. </em></p><p></p><p>To the extent we have any control at all I think it is with this element. Letting go of fault and responsibility. Which I think must be your issue (and mine) with our sons.</p><p></p><p>It will be interesting what I do at work, now. Because I really do have the power now. Objectively. I do the work really well. They are really short on people in my profession. I do not really need the money. Well, I do, kind of. But it is not that I will starve.</p><p></p><p>I can define this whole endeavor as a laboratory to work out these issues. If I wanted to. Just like you have the option of doing this with those stupid women, or any other situation--if you choose. It is just about how you define it.</p><p>Now. Here you have two choices that I can see. One you can in your mind reject participating. Because these women are showing themselves to be mean-spirited and small. Why would you want to spend time in this kind of atmosphere. Your precious time and self.</p><p></p><p>Or you can rise above it. Just not hear or see their smallness, and rise to the occasion. Know that you mean well and are a good person and have a great deal to contribute. In this way of looking at things these people are just "noise" and the important thing is the project and what you can contribute.</p><p></p><p>I believe everybody has the opportunity to choose.</p><p>Well, here you are illustrating the choice point you have. Why give these women power? Either option you choose you can take away their power in you, by how you look at things. These people are very small women who seem to feel bigger by their ability to exclude or to invite.</p><p></p><p>I think I would not want to be part of the group, because of their attitude. But I would not want to give them the satisfaction of winning, by running away with my tail between my legs. I would want the high ground. So I think I would want to make it a win for me by writing a note that said something like this:</p><p></p><p>So glad you are doing the heavy lifting to make this speech club a reality for all of the kids!! If it would help you out, I will be able to do xx or xx (define what you are willing to do and make it specific and time limited), if you let me know in the next week or so so that I can carve out time in my schedule.</p><p>I think you have to decide what is best for you, independent of what anybody thinks.</p><p></p><p>Personally, I would not want to hear the voices of this type of catty and control-freaking person. I think I might want to stay right there and bring earphones and say this: Pardon me for not participating.. I am taking a course on the Advanced Turkish Language, that I need to finish ASAP--insert sweet smile here--(or high energy physics--or the preparation of souffles to go to Cordon Bleu Cooking school on my next trip to Paris), and meanwhile I would be listening to a book on tape or Tango or what ever on my IPOD. Right there with them. Looking beautiful and svelte and high style. And oblivious. I am sure they are ugly and their husbands look at you!! That used to happen to me. (No more.)</p><p>Well. I am exactly this way. I always prefer to be around the marginal and eccentric person. I feel more comfortable, I enjoy myself, and I feel more amused and interested--and safe. I believe this is my real peer group. I always have.</p><p>So, your way of looking at it is that he was sticking it to me because I stood up for myself. It was pay back. Trying to get me back into my proper place.</p><p></p><p>And when I was passive aggressive--in a sense I mocked him--in front of another supervisor, who found it highly amusing, actually, I was returning the favor, letting him know that two can play the game. That I can play dirty too.</p><p></p><p>Except, I really went after myself. But now I see why. I punish myself for feeling my power and for letting others see it too. It is way more comfortable for me to feel like a "victim".</p><p></p><p>Do you think, rebelson, you might feel the same way?</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 693744, member: 18958"] Well, this could be my theme song. I will try to look at this objectively through your post, to see if we can get somewhere. First, people are hurtful. In general I think people do not take responsibility or care to for how much they hurt other people. Second, I believe that some people "look" more vulnerable in that they are more open to their feelings, express them, and show hurt and reaction to being hurt. And they may not defend themselves. I believe that people like this are easy "marks" and some people go after them. I can go for years and not be targeted at work. When I am not targeted, it seems I have kept my cards close to my vest, not revealed anything about myself, tried to keep a poker face, been very selective about who I let in. This time, for all of the years of suffering, I have not done so. I think I want to be more open too. I have been a long time without female friendships in particularly. I have isolated myself from women for the reasons you describe. I used to be a woman with many, many friends. I was the one in my family who was legendary for making good and intimate friendships, and keeping them. I think what changed, is this feeling as having been "betrayed." I am wondering now if I just did not accept the humanity of other people. I moved on rather than worked to keep the relationship. I talk to M a lot about this. M is like me in that he makes friends easily, attracts people to him. He has moved on in his life too, but he does not blame himself, or anybody else. He just seems to think it is what it is. I think that is the main sense in which we differ, the self-blame, always putting the responsibility on ourselves. For everything. M really, really hates it when I allow people to hurt me, and do not respond in some way to protect myself. In M's mind--I need to attack back. Put it right back to them. I believe I must allow people to hurt me, for the very same dynamic I describe above: Letting myself be the pin cushion, because everything [I]has to be my fault. [/I] To the extent we have any control at all I think it is with this element. Letting go of fault and responsibility. Which I think must be your issue (and mine) with our sons. It will be interesting what I do at work, now. Because I really do have the power now. Objectively. I do the work really well. They are really short on people in my profession. I do not really need the money. Well, I do, kind of. But it is not that I will starve. I can define this whole endeavor as a laboratory to work out these issues. If I wanted to. Just like you have the option of doing this with those stupid women, or any other situation--if you choose. It is just about how you define it. Now. Here you have two choices that I can see. One you can in your mind reject participating. Because these women are showing themselves to be mean-spirited and small. Why would you want to spend time in this kind of atmosphere. Your precious time and self. Or you can rise above it. Just not hear or see their smallness, and rise to the occasion. Know that you mean well and are a good person and have a great deal to contribute. In this way of looking at things these people are just "noise" and the important thing is the project and what you can contribute. I believe everybody has the opportunity to choose. Well, here you are illustrating the choice point you have. Why give these women power? Either option you choose you can take away their power in you, by how you look at things. These people are very small women who seem to feel bigger by their ability to exclude or to invite. I think I would not want to be part of the group, because of their attitude. But I would not want to give them the satisfaction of winning, by running away with my tail between my legs. I would want the high ground. So I think I would want to make it a win for me by writing a note that said something like this: So glad you are doing the heavy lifting to make this speech club a reality for all of the kids!! If it would help you out, I will be able to do xx or xx (define what you are willing to do and make it specific and time limited), if you let me know in the next week or so so that I can carve out time in my schedule. I think you have to decide what is best for you, independent of what anybody thinks. Personally, I would not want to hear the voices of this type of catty and control-freaking person. I think I might want to stay right there and bring earphones and say this: Pardon me for not participating.. I am taking a course on the Advanced Turkish Language, that I need to finish ASAP--insert sweet smile here--(or high energy physics--or the preparation of souffles to go to Cordon Bleu Cooking school on my next trip to Paris), and meanwhile I would be listening to a book on tape or Tango or what ever on my IPOD. Right there with them. Looking beautiful and svelte and high style. And oblivious. I am sure they are ugly and their husbands look at you!! That used to happen to me. (No more.) Well. I am exactly this way. I always prefer to be around the marginal and eccentric person. I feel more comfortable, I enjoy myself, and I feel more amused and interested--and safe. I believe this is my real peer group. I always have. So, your way of looking at it is that he was sticking it to me because I stood up for myself. It was pay back. Trying to get me back into my proper place. And when I was passive aggressive--in a sense I mocked him--in front of another supervisor, who found it highly amusing, actually, I was returning the favor, letting him know that two can play the game. That I can play dirty too. Except, I really went after myself. But now I see why. I punish myself for feeling my power and for letting others see it too. It is way more comfortable for me to feel like a "victim". Do you think, rebelson, you might feel the same way? [/QUOTE]
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How to take control of my circumstances and my destiny. II
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