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How to you continue to take care of your mental health?
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 220154" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Tracy, I can really relate to the ADHD plus Asperger's combination. That's difficult child 1. easy child 2/difficult child 2 doesn't have a firm diagnosis of Asperger's as well, but being female it's more difficult to pin down such a diagnosis. It fits for us, though' it's our working hypothesis. And difficult child 3 - full-on autism plus ADHD. A handful.</p><p></p><p>So you can imagine just how "interesting" our family life has been, especially in the evenings when all medications are wearing off plus the day's overload of stimuli is causing a general breakdown in everyone's ability to cope.</p><p></p><p>You need to find entirely different coping methods. You're close, but still not on the right track. You're a mess, understandably, but there is a way out of this and once you get the right combination, it is much, much easier.</p><p></p><p>Remember, I've had three of them, plus a easy child who didn't cope too well with the range of problems of the younger ones and who also was a bit of a martinet with them which didn't go down too well. These kids will REALLY resent a sibling trying to discipline them and you see a tsunami of oppositional behaviour from the difficult child in response to this, followed by hysterics and tantrums from the easy child (or other difficult children).</p><p></p><p>There are a number of things that can work in your favour - your Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), the Aspie's Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) tendencies plus natural tendency to want routine and rules.</p><p></p><p>What doesn't work - </p><p></p><p>1) Negativity, shouting, refusal to compromise.</p><p></p><p>2) Punishment, loss of privileges, lectures.</p><p></p><p></p><p>What DOES work - </p><p></p><p>1) Praise, catching the child being good</p><p></p><p>2) Reward, encouragement</p><p></p><p></p><p>What you need to do to begin to help your child - </p><p></p><p>1) Study the child. Keep a diary (a text file on the computer will do). Learn what the child likes, what the child dislikes. Note what triggers meltdown and also note what the warning signs are tat a meltdown is on the way. Then learn what will soothe the child down and either calm him post-meltdown or maybe even ward off a meltdown.</p><p></p><p>2) Use this information, especially the warning signs and the "how to calm him".</p><p></p><p>3) Chuck out all your previous parenting guidelines, all the things you've been doing that don't work (because if they don't work, they're not worth hanging onto). Replace these flawed (for your child) techniques with "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. Read the book, take from it what works. You can also use the same techniques for a easy child or for a range of other problems.</p><p></p><p>Some of the things you've set in place actually fit this very well. You've handed control to your child, in ways that he feels he needs. Some people would see this as a bad thing, since the attitude is often that the adult has to be the one in control. The trouble with Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) kids (autism, Asperger's, Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) not otherwise specified) is that the world is so confusing, so distressing, so hard to cope with, that ANY control they feel they can grab back is a comfort. The more you try to impose your will on your child, the more problems you will have.</p><p></p><p>These kids have a natural tendency to follow rules, once you have them programmed in. But first you have to help him find ways to make sense of it all.</p><p></p><p>You said that at times it's like dealing with a four year old instead of a thirteen year old - you are spot on. Yes, it is. And a big part of the problem especially with other people, is that we keep saying to ourselves, "He shouldn't need this sort of support at his age," or "He should be behaving better than this, at his age."</p><p>You need to forget about how old he is and instead focus on how he is coping (or not coping). In other words, ignore the year on the birth certificate. Permanently.</p><p></p><p>Never again should you allow or use the phrase, "You should be able to do this AT YOUR AGE." It just doesn't apply any more.</p><p></p><p>Example: a young friend of ours, a year older than difficult child 3, won a place at an academically selective high school that only takes the top 0.5&#37; of the applicants. But this kid couldn't get himself to and from school, he needed to be literally led by the hand. When they were trying to wean him off the government-subsidised taxi, they gave him a mobile phone and accompanied him on the train journey. After practising this for weeks, they finally left him to take himself on the train. He got lost. She rang him on the mobile phone and said to him, "Where are you?"</p><p>He replied, "I'm here!"</p><p>She couldn't get any better answer out of him than this. He simply couldn't understand that "here" means different things to different people; it's a problem with theory of mind, a common problem even with high-functioning autistics at least at some stage in their development.</p><p></p><p>An example of theory of mind - the test involves sitting in a room with the child, the parent, the tester. The tester then makes a big thing of taking a toy (maybe a teddy bear) and hiding it say, under a cushion. The parent then leaves the room and the tester then makes a show of moving the teddy bear to a very different hiding place (under the couch). The tester then asks the child, "where is the teddy bear?"</p><p>The child paying attention says, "Under the couch."</p><p>The tester then asks, "When your parent comes back in, where will THEY think the teddy is hidden?"</p><p>The autistic child (without theory of mind) believes that the parent knows what HE knows, and will answer, "Under the couch."</p><p>A easy child child who DOES have theory of mind will say, "I know the teddy is under the couch but my parent didn't see us move it; my parent thinks the teddy is still under the cushion."</p><p></p><p>People might think that simply not having theory of mind is no big deal, but it follows through into other aspects of life. A problem I especially used to have with difficult child 3 (and also easy child 2/difficult child 2 when she was younger) was the assumption in the child that I knew what was in the child's mind. I was expected to be a mind-reader and there were huge tantrums if I failed to correctly read that mind AND meet the child's needs IMMEDIATELY. </p><p></p><p>Other aspects of theory of mind, is the equality factor (as I call it). This is where the Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) child treats other people exactly as they treat him. Thus I had a young easy child 2/difficult child 2 standing there, hands on hips, scolding me when my tired brain got the drinks order wrong. "I told you I wanted juice, not milk!" she shouted at me. "Why don't you ever listen?"</p><p></p><p>This is NOT rudeness, not as we know it. It is in fact a child being extremely fair and honest. If you punish this, then in the child's eyes you are being very unfair, and absolutely no lesson will be learned (except that maybe you are a mean person who is a bully, throwing your weight around simply because you are bigger and have more power).</p><p></p><p>To teach politeness and respect, you first must show politeness and respect to your child in your interactions (no matter how bad the provocation). This is really difficult to begin with; you have old habits to break. But it does work. Someone has to be the hero; frankly, it is only right that the first person to change behaviour should be the adult without the diagnosis, not the child still struggling. We already know how to behave, so WE should set the example for the child.</p><p></p><p>The food faddishness is a big factor with a lot of Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) kids. It's part Sensory Integration Disorder (SID), part flavour, part texture, part anxiety. The more anxious a Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) kid gets, the more rude he will seem. But the more you scold, the worse the anxiety will get. That's why you find behaviour apparently not responding to many discipline techniques you try to impose.</p><p></p><p>You've responded to your child's difficult faddishness by handing him control of his meals. That frankly is a good coping technique, but he will learn more if he learns to prepare meals for people other than himself. He needs to learn that other people LIKE food that he doesn't like. However, he may be very resistant to this for a while yet, because if he still lacks theory of mind it will be too difficult for him to wrap his brain around. This isn't about intelligence here, it's about the maturity of his brain. He WILL get it, one day. He may already be getting it, but still trapped in old habits. difficult child 3 now does have theory of mind, but he has to think hard about it. When he's being impulsive, he snaps back to his more infantile way of looking at the world and other people.</p><p></p><p>Your other rules - "he is to follow house rules 100% of the time" - you need to have the rules defined and written up. be prepared for him to argue logically. be prepared to have to dot your i's and cross your t's. Don't take it personally or feel he's being manipulative; he's simply trying to determine exactly what his boundaries are.</p><p></p><p>He is to keep his hands to himself and not throw things - this could be difficult, if he is throwing or hitting impulsively. He needs to find a different way of letting off aggression. He will probably need to role-play these alternatives and will need positive motivation and encouragement.</p><p></p><p>The laundry - he needs to be coaxed and supported through this. You will need to almost literally take him by the hand and lead him through the steps. You may find you need to modify the rules.</p><p></p><p>You also have a BIG deficit in your plan - the "or else". What are you going to do if he doesn't follow the rules? Frankly, with these rules I think you need to set them up as ideals and use a reward system for compliance, rather than punishment for failure. A good reward system is something immediate (maybe for each successful day) and preferably non-monetary. For difficult child 3, the reward for a tantrum-free day was 15 minutes' game time with me, next day. You might need to break up the tasks and have reward for each requirement met. Also, never withdraw a reward once earned. </p><p></p><p>He is also old enough to take an active role in setting the rules for the household especially the ones he must follow. If he says he doesn't think he can do it, listen to him and ask him why. Then be prepared to compromise with him, to at least try and see how it goes.</p><p></p><p>As for physical exercise - maybe this can be part of your daily routine together, perhaps taking a walk together for 20 minutes, to get some exercise. Make it clear that you need the exercise just as he also needs the routine of getting some fresh air. Alternatively, invest in a Wii game system and use Wii Fit to exercise. I've found that difficult child 3 is using this on a daily basis and it's a really healthy routine for him. I need to be using it more myself, but it's a way to get moving, get healthy and get active, without having to leave home.</p><p></p><p>Read "Explosive Child". Have a look at the discussion on it in Early Childhood forum. Work out the baskets for him, make up your list and give it a try. It actually should be easier for you, not more difficult.</p><p></p><p>Once you can begin to make some of these changes, your life should become much more positive and his behaviour should begin to improve. It's not a cure, but it's definitely a better way to manage.</p><p></p><p>I've been there, well and truly. Feel free to ask me more any time.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 220154, member: 1991"] Tracy, I can really relate to the ADHD plus Asperger's combination. That's difficult child 1. easy child 2/difficult child 2 doesn't have a firm diagnosis of Asperger's as well, but being female it's more difficult to pin down such a diagnosis. It fits for us, though' it's our working hypothesis. And difficult child 3 - full-on autism plus ADHD. A handful. So you can imagine just how "interesting" our family life has been, especially in the evenings when all medications are wearing off plus the day's overload of stimuli is causing a general breakdown in everyone's ability to cope. You need to find entirely different coping methods. You're close, but still not on the right track. You're a mess, understandably, but there is a way out of this and once you get the right combination, it is much, much easier. Remember, I've had three of them, plus a easy child who didn't cope too well with the range of problems of the younger ones and who also was a bit of a martinet with them which didn't go down too well. These kids will REALLY resent a sibling trying to discipline them and you see a tsunami of oppositional behaviour from the difficult child in response to this, followed by hysterics and tantrums from the easy child (or other difficult children). There are a number of things that can work in your favour - your Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), the Aspie's Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) tendencies plus natural tendency to want routine and rules. What doesn't work - 1) Negativity, shouting, refusal to compromise. 2) Punishment, loss of privileges, lectures. What DOES work - 1) Praise, catching the child being good 2) Reward, encouragement What you need to do to begin to help your child - 1) Study the child. Keep a diary (a text file on the computer will do). Learn what the child likes, what the child dislikes. Note what triggers meltdown and also note what the warning signs are tat a meltdown is on the way. Then learn what will soothe the child down and either calm him post-meltdown or maybe even ward off a meltdown. 2) Use this information, especially the warning signs and the "how to calm him". 3) Chuck out all your previous parenting guidelines, all the things you've been doing that don't work (because if they don't work, they're not worth hanging onto). Replace these flawed (for your child) techniques with "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. Read the book, take from it what works. You can also use the same techniques for a easy child or for a range of other problems. Some of the things you've set in place actually fit this very well. You've handed control to your child, in ways that he feels he needs. Some people would see this as a bad thing, since the attitude is often that the adult has to be the one in control. The trouble with Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) kids (autism, Asperger's, Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) not otherwise specified) is that the world is so confusing, so distressing, so hard to cope with, that ANY control they feel they can grab back is a comfort. The more you try to impose your will on your child, the more problems you will have. These kids have a natural tendency to follow rules, once you have them programmed in. But first you have to help him find ways to make sense of it all. You said that at times it's like dealing with a four year old instead of a thirteen year old - you are spot on. Yes, it is. And a big part of the problem especially with other people, is that we keep saying to ourselves, "He shouldn't need this sort of support at his age," or "He should be behaving better than this, at his age." You need to forget about how old he is and instead focus on how he is coping (or not coping). In other words, ignore the year on the birth certificate. Permanently. Never again should you allow or use the phrase, "You should be able to do this AT YOUR AGE." It just doesn't apply any more. Example: a young friend of ours, a year older than difficult child 3, won a place at an academically selective high school that only takes the top 0.5% of the applicants. But this kid couldn't get himself to and from school, he needed to be literally led by the hand. When they were trying to wean him off the government-subsidised taxi, they gave him a mobile phone and accompanied him on the train journey. After practising this for weeks, they finally left him to take himself on the train. He got lost. She rang him on the mobile phone and said to him, "Where are you?" He replied, "I'm here!" She couldn't get any better answer out of him than this. He simply couldn't understand that "here" means different things to different people; it's a problem with theory of mind, a common problem even with high-functioning autistics at least at some stage in their development. An example of theory of mind - the test involves sitting in a room with the child, the parent, the tester. The tester then makes a big thing of taking a toy (maybe a teddy bear) and hiding it say, under a cushion. The parent then leaves the room and the tester then makes a show of moving the teddy bear to a very different hiding place (under the couch). The tester then asks the child, "where is the teddy bear?" The child paying attention says, "Under the couch." The tester then asks, "When your parent comes back in, where will THEY think the teddy is hidden?" The autistic child (without theory of mind) believes that the parent knows what HE knows, and will answer, "Under the couch." A easy child child who DOES have theory of mind will say, "I know the teddy is under the couch but my parent didn't see us move it; my parent thinks the teddy is still under the cushion." People might think that simply not having theory of mind is no big deal, but it follows through into other aspects of life. A problem I especially used to have with difficult child 3 (and also easy child 2/difficult child 2 when she was younger) was the assumption in the child that I knew what was in the child's mind. I was expected to be a mind-reader and there were huge tantrums if I failed to correctly read that mind AND meet the child's needs IMMEDIATELY. Other aspects of theory of mind, is the equality factor (as I call it). This is where the Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) child treats other people exactly as they treat him. Thus I had a young easy child 2/difficult child 2 standing there, hands on hips, scolding me when my tired brain got the drinks order wrong. "I told you I wanted juice, not milk!" she shouted at me. "Why don't you ever listen?" This is NOT rudeness, not as we know it. It is in fact a child being extremely fair and honest. If you punish this, then in the child's eyes you are being very unfair, and absolutely no lesson will be learned (except that maybe you are a mean person who is a bully, throwing your weight around simply because you are bigger and have more power). To teach politeness and respect, you first must show politeness and respect to your child in your interactions (no matter how bad the provocation). This is really difficult to begin with; you have old habits to break. But it does work. Someone has to be the hero; frankly, it is only right that the first person to change behaviour should be the adult without the diagnosis, not the child still struggling. We already know how to behave, so WE should set the example for the child. The food faddishness is a big factor with a lot of Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) kids. It's part Sensory Integration Disorder (SID), part flavour, part texture, part anxiety. The more anxious a Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) kid gets, the more rude he will seem. But the more you scold, the worse the anxiety will get. That's why you find behaviour apparently not responding to many discipline techniques you try to impose. You've responded to your child's difficult faddishness by handing him control of his meals. That frankly is a good coping technique, but he will learn more if he learns to prepare meals for people other than himself. He needs to learn that other people LIKE food that he doesn't like. However, he may be very resistant to this for a while yet, because if he still lacks theory of mind it will be too difficult for him to wrap his brain around. This isn't about intelligence here, it's about the maturity of his brain. He WILL get it, one day. He may already be getting it, but still trapped in old habits. difficult child 3 now does have theory of mind, but he has to think hard about it. When he's being impulsive, he snaps back to his more infantile way of looking at the world and other people. Your other rules - "he is to follow house rules 100% of the time" - you need to have the rules defined and written up. be prepared for him to argue logically. be prepared to have to dot your i's and cross your t's. Don't take it personally or feel he's being manipulative; he's simply trying to determine exactly what his boundaries are. He is to keep his hands to himself and not throw things - this could be difficult, if he is throwing or hitting impulsively. He needs to find a different way of letting off aggression. He will probably need to role-play these alternatives and will need positive motivation and encouragement. The laundry - he needs to be coaxed and supported through this. You will need to almost literally take him by the hand and lead him through the steps. You may find you need to modify the rules. You also have a BIG deficit in your plan - the "or else". What are you going to do if he doesn't follow the rules? Frankly, with these rules I think you need to set them up as ideals and use a reward system for compliance, rather than punishment for failure. A good reward system is something immediate (maybe for each successful day) and preferably non-monetary. For difficult child 3, the reward for a tantrum-free day was 15 minutes' game time with me, next day. You might need to break up the tasks and have reward for each requirement met. Also, never withdraw a reward once earned. He is also old enough to take an active role in setting the rules for the household especially the ones he must follow. If he says he doesn't think he can do it, listen to him and ask him why. Then be prepared to compromise with him, to at least try and see how it goes. As for physical exercise - maybe this can be part of your daily routine together, perhaps taking a walk together for 20 minutes, to get some exercise. Make it clear that you need the exercise just as he also needs the routine of getting some fresh air. Alternatively, invest in a Wii game system and use Wii Fit to exercise. I've found that difficult child 3 is using this on a daily basis and it's a really healthy routine for him. I need to be using it more myself, but it's a way to get moving, get healthy and get active, without having to leave home. Read "Explosive Child". Have a look at the discussion on it in Early Childhood forum. Work out the baskets for him, make up your list and give it a try. It actually should be easier for you, not more difficult. Once you can begin to make some of these changes, your life should become much more positive and his behaviour should begin to improve. It's not a cure, but it's definitely a better way to manage. I've been there, well and truly. Feel free to ask me more any time. Marg [/QUOTE]
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