How will she ever manage to survive on her own?

[Nancy]

difficult child told me the other day her throat was awful, tonsils were very swollen and she couldn't swallow. She made an appointment through the clinic where she got her insurance but they couldn't see her until mid March. She was going to just wait until then and suffer. I looked up the insurance info and told her they had urgent care clinics for walk-ins (they didn't tell her that when she called for the appointment grrrr and she didn't think to ask). They did a strep culture, rapid test negative, sent culture, still negative. They gave her naproxen for pain and a mouthwash to numb the throat.

Today she says her throat looks worse, has large green area on tonsils. I told her to go back to the clinic. This time dr. says it looks awful and does a bacterial culture. Gave her a prescription for antibiotics after a secod dr came in to look who verified it looked awful (they are not prescribing antibiotics anymore for most things around here). She has had problems with infected tonsils for several years now and really needs them out but I don;t know how she can take the time off work for that.

Since the clinic free pharmacy is closed I told her where to check for cheapest price and she finally found a place that charged $25. After she gets finished with everything and we finish our many calls and texts back and forth I told her I didn't know what you would do without me to help you figure these things out and her response was "I know that's why I have you."

OMG she is so funny sometimes. on the other hand she is still totally unprepared to be living on her own.

 

[Hopeless]

Hope the medicine helps her. My easy child had several strep throat infections over the years. We finally had her tonsils removed last year and it was a very rough recovery because she was 17. She out of school for two weeks recovering and many calls to doctor to help with her pain. She has a high pain tolerance normally.

 

[susiestar]

I had a roommate in college who was TOTALLY unprepared for life. Her mom and dad never really required her to do anything but get good grades, date a 'nice' boy, and look pretty. She was a disaster. At one point I told her mom flat out that not making the girl do chores was a HUGE mistake as she couldn't wash clothes, figure out what to eat on the weekends when the cafeteria was closed, or do more than heat water in a microwave. This girl couldn't even make microwave popcorn with-o three tries.

I ended up writing out a 'how to' manual for her - how to wash clothes (spraying them with deodorant does not count and the entire room reeked because she thought she could wait from mid Aug to Thanksgiving to take them home to wash. THen she took her mom's$250 french lace camisole and washed in on hot iwth bleach. It disintegrated, only the seams and some trim at the neckline came out of the wash. I included a 'how to talk to the doctor' section iwth literally what you need to do/say. Once I gave it to her, I stopped answering any question in the book. I also called my mom at least once a week to thank her for not making me helpless.

This girl didn't have addiction to stunt her growth. Your daughter does. The things you tried to teach her stopped being absorbed when the addictions took over. It is a LOT different than the way this girl was parented, where she literally never did a chore in her life - they had a live in housekeeper and a maid to do all the chores.

My point is that maybe you need to write a 'how to' guide for your daughter. one she should take EVERYWHERE that includes asking the doctor if there is a medication on the cheap rx list that would fix the problem. THere are more than a few cheap antibiotics that are strong and if you ask, often a doctor can give them to you. But you have to think to ask, which even my husband doesn't do.

It is a suggestion, and I am NOT saying that you in ANY way made difficult child helpless. You didn't, the drugs/alcohol have. But a guidebook and then making her refer to it might be a big help to her.

I am glad she has you, and you truly are a really great mom in a really tough situation. It is just an idea, a way to help her learn to cope while she still has you, Know what I mean??

As for my roomie, she left middle of the next semester with 11 infections that almost killed her and took a huge toll on her brain. She got them by swimming in a condemned lake and then not seeking treatment until her roomie called 911 because she was turning blue. OF course that is irrelevant to your daughter, thankfully.

 

[Nancy]

You know Susie a how to manual is not a bad idea...honestly

 

[InsaneCdn]

Susie... the how-to manual idea applies to all sorts of GFGness. Like... memory problems, planning/sequencing challenges, auditory processing disorders...
If the person can read well enough to follow the instructions, AND cares enough to actually use it... it works.

To the point that I actually write how-to manuals for myself, especially when learning a new skill.

Nancy... I was horrid at learning all sorts of life skills (academically quite bright and practically useless). It took me to about age 25 to figure a lot of this out. The advantage of working on a how-to manual is that both you and she will repeat doing it the same way... which re-inforces learning.

 

[bby31288]

This happened to me oh about 19 years ago! Diagnosed me with Mono!! Also prednisone helped almost immediately. It was so painful with these patches that looked like you could pick it off!

 

[DammitJanet]

It took Cory until about 25 before he learned how to do most things by himself and even now he wants me to do many things he is capable of doing on his own. Some things are because he was not allowed to do them...like social security would only let me talk to them and he wasnt allowed to call them on his own. I got that changed so he is the one now who has to deal with that. What is so strange is that Cory can do everything for his kids but still wants me to take care of him....lol. Yes he has mommy issues. I think it is baby boy syndrome. He wants to always be my baby boy and he doesnt realize no matter what, he always will be.

 

[Nancy]

They did a mono test on her, should know in a few days.

 

[jinger]

But, with each experiences she learns something. My girl is a college graduate and is still learning how to handle many aspects of adult life. Your wise counsel will serve your daughter well. It's a healthy sign that she asks for your advice and appreciates it.

 

[DDD]

It's hard to accept (at least for me) that they missed years of maturing progression. As much as I am thankful for the progress easy child/difficult child has made there are HUGE gaps in his maturity that really are worrisome. I "think" that those of us who have been able to stay connected with our difficult children must be destined to spoon feed them for an extra decade or two before they can really function near age appropriately. Hugs DDD

 

[StressedM0mma]

Ok, I am going to toss out a different perspective here. I am not a difficult child, I am 42, and I still call my mom and ask for help/advice on things. She has always been my "go to" person when I need help figuring out what to do. I never asked her to make my appts. for me, but I have on occasion asked to to come along., when we were having the major issues with difficult child last year, she offered advice and even to come up here to live with us for awhile.

And, when I am sick, I still want my mom. Yes, as a grown woman, I would like to go back home and have my mommy take care of me. Now I am not saying that what your difficult child is doing is the same, I know that it is not. Just wanted to say, sometimes even us "regular" folks still want their moms to take care of them.

 

[DammitJanet]

True stressed. When Cory is sick, he still wants to come sleep at my house...lol. I know if Jamie was not living 6 hours away, he would do the same thing!

 

[Nancy]

You know I really do like when she calls me for advice and it warms my heart when she isn't feeling well and needs me. I'm a bit worried, ok more than a bit, that she doesn't seem to have the skills necessary to figure things out on her own, but you all just gave me a good idea and I don't know why I haven't been doing this all along. I am going to start asking her what she thinks she should do rather than just rush in with advice. I will try to problem solve with her and get her to start thinking. It will be hard for me because I'm a go getter, I see a problem and I figure out a solution and I will have to give up the control in that in order to help her and get her to start problem solving.

 

[AnnieO]

I still call my Mom for advice, I ask her to come help me... I even asked her to be there right until they took me into the OR for my C-Section! But... She and Dad taught me the basic stuff, like laundry, doctor appointments, first aid, changing a tire and my own oil and windshield washer fluid, how to use a screwdriver and drill, what to do when the toilet overflows... It is that sort of thing that I am trying to teach my kids and seems to be ignored or unlearned. There is a huge difference between "call the doctor for me" and "what should I ask the doctor when I call?"

 

[rejectedmom]

just gave me a good idea and I don't know why I haven't been doing this all along. I am going to start asking her what she thinks she should do rather than just rush in with advice. I will try to problem solve with her and get her to start thinking. It will be hard for me because I'm a go getter, I see a problem and I figure out a solution and I will have to give up the control in that in order to help her and get her to start problem solving.

Nancy that is a very good idea. There will come a time when we can no longer do for them and trying to get them to a place where they can make it on their own is difficult. For my easy child/difficult child I douse this tactic alot. For my difficult child though I think it is a useless exercise given his inablitity to think things through. In his case I try to instill in him that there are services available to help him with his many needs. He is beginning to understand that and is planning to get his medical assistance as soon as he gets out and is looking for a sober living program that will take him in. Will he succeed? I do not know, but at least he is making progress in learning what is available to him. It is a long road we parents walk. -RM

 

[StressedM0mma]

Nancy, my mom taught me all the things Step said as well. And, I think the way you plan to go about things is great. You can be "helping" her, she will actually be making the decisions. I am like you, I want to solve all the problems, but all that does it create more. Sigh.

 

[Nancy]

I did teach her all those things but as you said step the difference between me teaching her them and her absorbing it is huge. She has never been able to connect the dots, her reasoning and ability to predict the future so she can modify the present is non existent.

 

[InsaneCdn]

There's an article in one of my ADHD books that talks about a young woman working in fast-food, fairly good at it, so they pick her for assistant-manager training. Does fantastic through training, gets the promo, and... they take the manual away from her because "she knows this stuff now"... and her performance nose-dives. Either her mom or her boyfriend notice, get her to speak to the manager and explain her working memory issues... and she gets the manual back, and eventually moves up to manager.

Maybe she really does need a "how-to book for basic living".

 

[AmericanGirl]

Nancy,

i get the difference between being taught and absorbing.

my brother, who is 48, was like that until about 30. Totally irresponsible. Very ADHD. Both of his kids are too.

then he finally saw the light, got his degree, and has done really well with that stuff since then.

i've really slowed down with trying to teach difficult child anything, even 'indirectly', without being asked. He won't do it and tends to get defensive. It's sad but I have to wait until he falls and then....only if he asks.

i hope your daughter feels better soon.

 

[Kathy813]

I thought of this thread today when easy child called me since "as a mother you would know this." She has a very sore throat and a rash that comes and goes on her face and neck. I guess she wanted me to diagnose her over the phone.

I told her that I knew you could have a rash with a strep infection because difficult child had scarlet fever when she was little which is basically strep throat with a rash. I googled it to make sure and read what I found to her and told her she needed to go to the doctor to find out and get antibiotics if necessary.

This is my totally responsible easy child who could have googled the symptoms just as well as I could. I think she just needed to tell me that she didn't feel well.

I guess sometimes you just need your mom.

I think that the distinction between teaching and absorbing in interesting. I never officially "taught" easy child or difficult child how to handle their money or other lifeskills and yet easy child seemed to learn just by having those skills modeled by husband and me and difficult child didn't.

I was never taught how to handle a checking account but it just made sense to me that you had to pay attention to how much money was in the account and not write checks for more than you have in the bank. difficult child just blithely wrote checks without ever checking on how much was in the account. Maybe difficult child's just lack common sense.

~Kathy