How would you guys handle this?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by ksm, Nov 8, 2012.

  1. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    difficult child is 14 and has a fb account, actually she has 2 of them but only uses one. The 2nd one has just 5 people (including me, an uncle, a lady from church, a cousin and a friend of mine) These people are also on the first account too. Anyway, yesterday I noticed that she had shared some photos from some other friends and three of them had words I thought were objectionable. The content as a whole was not offensive, but the B word and the F word was used. I know they are used often among teens, but we have had several conversations that we had higher expectations for her, and expected not to see those things forwarded by her.

    Yesterday, I politely asked her to delete the offending items, hang up her laundry, and then we would go to the DMV for her learners permit. I took a shower and when I came out, she informed me that she deleted her main fb account. I told her I only asked her to do the offending things that she posted. THen she went on about, well, a lot of people use those words and it would be best just to delete the whole thing. Well, I hunted for her old account and didn't see it... but then realized that she probably could have just blocked me. So I had a couple friends search fb, and her original account was still there.

    When she was ready to go to the DMV I explained that we wouldn't be able to go as she lied to me. What?? About what?? When?? When I told her that she didn't delete it, then I got major attitude... I am outdated... everyone uses those words... etc. With in about an hour I got an apology and the next question was "can we still go to the DMV today?" Tried to explain that if I couldn't trust her with a computer in my home, how would I trust her with a car on the street?

    How would you guys handle this? THanks. KSM
  2. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    I am a newby but I think you handled it well. Yes they are words kids use all the time but if you had previously instructed her not to use them and not to forward those emails then she knew she was doing something wrong and did it deliberately. Then she proceeded to block you and lie about it. Deliberate disobedience deserves punishment.
  3. svengandhi

    svengandhi Well-Known Member

    I'm just flabbergasted that she can get a learner's permit at 14. In my state, it's 16 and I think that's young.

    As for the main problem, I've learned to suck that up on FB. My 16 year old son has a foul mouth, as does my 22 year old. The other 3, including difficult child, do not. I do not like that language and I tell them that it is an indication of a lack in one's vocabulary. However, I use FB to monitor their activity and if having to read a few cuss words is the price to pay for that knowledge, I'll live with it. It upsets me more when my sons use that language at dinner. I have kicked them out of the room on occasion. They are getting better at managing their mouths.

    I would tell your daughter that while her choice of language may be common among teens, she needs to remember that adults don't like to employ people with poor vocabulary skills and that she needs to watch her language when she speaks. I'm more upset by hearing it than seeing it.

    Good luck.
  4. svengandhi

    svengandhi Well-Known Member

    I hit send before I finished.

    I would definitely make her return your access and would wait at least a week before going to the DMV. I would also let her know that a repeat will lead to you taking possession of her permit for a specified period of time.
  5. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Yes, 14 is awfully young, but it is very restriced. You have to get the learners permit before you can take driver's ed this spring. The only time she could use it is if an adult is in the car with her. I think at 15 (if she has completed everything else) she can drive to and from school or work by herself within a specified time limit and can have no other friends in the car. Then at 16 would be more like a regular license. Plus, she has to rack up 50 driving hours with an adult before she can take the driving test at the DMV. If she "actually" drives, it would be in a vacant parking lot to just get used to the car. And I think my son will help her with that.

    I have thought of two options. Go to the DMV in 4 to 6 weeks. Or, she can add me as a friend, and give me the password to her fb account, and we could go today. I have already told her she will not use my computer, my wifi, and in my house to get on fb. Since she has lost two iPods, the family computer is the only option. School computers block fb (yea!). We may be old fashioned to her - but we have values and will not tolerate certain things in our home. And since she will be living here for 4 more years.. (yes I am counting!) she had better get used to rules.

  6. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    Just me, but if she would rather lie to your face and block you from fb, then I would be more concerned about what else might be going on. I'd suspect that bad language wasn't the half of it. My difficult child had (possibly still has, who knows?) several fb accounts - most of which were used to hook up with strange men and chat inapproiately. Oh sure - she was more than willing to friend us in the "safe" account that she kept for parents and family. But the "real" accounts? Made up names and photoshopped pics to make her look older.

    After many, many warnings and many, many consequences...we have finally banned difficult child from our home computer and so far, do not trust her enough to proceed with a driver's license. Our feeling is: if we cannot trust you with a small thing, we are certainly not going to trust you with the responsibility of a big thing.

    Is our difficult child using other people's computers to chat inappropriately on fb? Probably. I can only enforce what goes on in my home and in my car.

    What are your reasons for proceeding with a drivers license?

    Do you feel good about letting your difficult child drive your car?

    If not - why not? should do what feels right to YOU. You are under no obligation to help your child with a drivers license "just because". Driving is a privilege - not a right. Make sure your difficult child is worthy of that right.
  7. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Like I said, I would not have her driving a car on a public street... at least not until she has drivers ed. Which she can take in the spring or in the summer. It is mainly a piece of paper that says she passed a test to get the learners permit. I am afraid that I will be more comfortable with younger sis driving way before difficult child. difficult child is too distractable, and I don't trust her. But there are very few days where we are both available to go to the DMV and do the paper work.

    I don't think she is in to fake sites. She has about 400 "friends" on her main fb account, and most go to the high school that she is in... or is a friend of a friend. We turn off the wifi after 10pm and it dosn't come back on til 6am, just so she can't get on and chat... but since she lost her ipod, that isn't an option. I keep the family laptop in my bedroom and it has a password on it.

  8. greenrene

    greenrene Member

    If this were my difficult child (who has proven time and again that she cannot handle internet privileges, thinks nothing about lying, and is currently on an indefinite grounding from Internet use), she would be banned from computer use for a long time. The level of deceit here is huge, and it is with a potentially dangerous medium (social media), which in my opinion needs to be heavily monitored with teens, especially teen difficult children. I can totally see my difficult child trying to pull something like this.

    I would also put off the permit for at least a week or so. Then again, my situation is with a difficult child who is very difficult, and we have to take a hard stance on things to have any hope of her getting a clue.
  9. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    To me - this is really key. A drivers license should be predicated on what YOU are comfortable with. It sounds like you are really not a fan of the idea of difficult child driving at this time.
  10. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    She turns 15 in March and that is when she can take the drivers ed type course. Except for her driving in an empty parking lot with an adult, that is the only driving she will be allowed. IF she gets her permit, it will be something I can use as leverage for good behavior. Her school work is pretty good this year - 2 A's, 2 B's and a C in Algebra. This is the end of the trimester. But once I have her password, I can have my email set up on the account, so would get a notice if changes are made.

    But she has a long way to go before I will let her behind the wheel. KSM
  11. buddy

    buddy New Member

    In my house I don't have alot of options for consequences because most of my son's activities are.part of therapy so I pick restrictions very carefully. I think its reasonable to wait a bit on the permit since the very day she broke your trust it would be a mixed message to say but I trust you driving. But I'd reserve that consequence as a long term thing for higher level infractions. But everyone is different of.course. I think limiting access to FB is a great choice though they easily can use friends items to get on. You have to decide how much of a power struggle you want. Without saying it to her, I personally would ignore if she goes on it somewhere else. The limited access (no iPod phone or computer type of thing ) seems more enforceable.

    In the spirit of Ross Greene and others, I wonder where this issue is compared to other challenges she has. If, compared to safety or behaviors that directly impact stress in the home etc., where does this issue fall? I grew up not swearing and do not like it. I have learned to live with it because its so difficult in our situation to modify. So, it is divided into categories and if the words fall into the embarrassing or rude even disrespectful category the goal is to distract and get the focus on something else. If sounding or in your face name calling then warnings are given and through distraction etc., he has to.stop or the consequence will happen. But, it can't be a super high ticket thing or he gets so stressed he can't stop....he actually can't even remember saying some things. But all this is because for us.... a higher need is to manage physical aggression.

    So, if.this is a point where you have most "a basket behaviors" like anything or similar .... and you have worked through b basket behaviors to this point, then it makes sense to work on it as you are doing. I'd encourage you to be realistic about how much you can control when it comes to.word.choices ... just because in a difficult child house lowering overall stress is key to keeping serious behaviors in control. (in my humble opinion of course ).....

    The other thing I'd think about is if the skill you are trying to teach is respect for rules in general, or being trustworthy, or to use polite language, or what the difference is between social language with a peers vs. an authority figure vs. a general/public audience, or how to use other options inc tone of.voice, or is lying Does.she to following specific directions etc. You get the idea.

    None is better or worse but defining it can make it so you don't fall in a trap I have fallen into infraction leads to another issue and another because they all feel bad and are not what I would prefer him to do... and his response to my consequence is disrespectful then that gets punished etc...eventually it's very hard to turn the situation around and get peace and learning opportunities afterwards. And I have been stuck with having handed out barely enforceable consequences plus end up punishing myself and causing overall anxiety which triggers more unacceptable situations. In other words we.spiral down quickly.

    Sorry about the added periods ..... my phone adds them.

    Hope this makes some sense. Overall on the face of it I think your choices are logical. I was just answering your question by offering some food for thought. Throw it out if you don't think any of it fits your family.
    Last edited: Nov 8, 2012
  12. lmf64

    lmf64 New Member

    I think you handled it exactly the right way! Good job Mom
  13. Smart mom!! You handled it very well. I don't think I could have done anything better. It might be time for one of those keystroke capturing software programs so you can see what she is up to.
  14. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Good job!

    Boy, she sounds like my difficult child. :)